Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to not go to a close friends wedding?

136 replies

JadoreDior · 03/02/2013 22:20

We have been friends since school and still see each other 2-4 times a month. Anyway she is getting married this year, it is an extremely small wedding. The only people invited to the ceremony are immediate family only and then they have invited close friends and their partners to have a meal afterwards.

She has sent me a text today to let me know the date, and they have decided to do it on a Friday, which means I will have to use my holiday time off work which is really precious to me as we are booking a summer holiday and also over Christmas we are going away and spending it with family.

There also wouldn't be any point of me going after work because the meal is at 3 and then people are just having drinks etc - there won't be a disco or anything kind of entertainment so I'm assuming people won't be staying that long after the meal is over.

Also I'm not invited to the ceremony (which is fine I understand why I'm not) but it would mean me losing a days holiday to just go to a meal.

aibu to not want to go?

OP posts:

feministefatale · 04/02/2013 17:50

Being invited to the evening reception only is clearly (to me) being asked not to come to the church confused

Yes, exactly. Otherwise when they wen to the effort to give you an invite they would have put "wedding and reception". They didn't just run out of ink.

WorriedMummy73 · 04/02/2013 17:54

*I went to the church to see her get married.

What´s wrong with that?*

You were clearly not invited but decided that what the bride (whose special and important day it was) wanted was less important than what you wanted! How utterly selfish and rude of you. If they'd wanted you there, they would have asked you to be there. You weren't asked, therefore you weren't wanted. are you not seeing why people have a problem with this?

smokinaces · 04/02/2013 17:57

Ive gone to the church when I've only had an evening invite. Most of the time its because of the cost of the meal that restricts numbers - several times I've gone to church, seen the wedding, wished them well, gone home for tea and then gone back for evening reception. It's fairly common round here? Definitely not frowned upon, in fact one bride encouraged it in the end.

Op, if you don't have enough annual leave, take a half day unpaid. It's a close friend. It's worth it - just dont buy a new outfit or shoes etc and you'll be no worse off :-)

diddl · 04/02/2013 17:57

Blimey, I´m utterly selfish & rude now!!

smokinaces · 04/02/2013 17:58

As in one bride encouraged it with other evening guests once we had mentioned idea

YouOldSlag · 04/02/2013 17:58

But surely if she wanted you there she would have asked you

Surely the bride doesn't own the church. If somebody specifically asked me not to go to a church to see them get married, I would question why they wanted me there at any part of the day.

diddl · 04/02/2013 17:59

Well, that´s me told then!

notMarlene · 04/02/2013 17:59

Me too YouOldSlag. I tend to politely decline evening only invitations.

NopeStillNothing · 04/02/2013 18:04

I disagree, at my wedding the people I was willing to pay for the meal were invited to the 'whole day' starting at 1 in the church and moving on to the reception. Everyone else was invited to the reception at 7. This was just to avoid the confusion of inviting people to a 'broken event' rather than because I didn't want them at the church.
As it happened most people turned up to the church anyway and I was very touched and happy about that

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 04/02/2013 18:06

Many couples getting married don't do invites to the ceremony and evening do only because they recognise that it's rude to demand somebody's presence at the ceremony only to tell them to fuck off and amuse themselves while the meal is taking place, so restrict the official invite to the evening only. However, there are some who are happy for evening guest(s) to watch them get married if that's what the guest(s) would like.

It's not always that the couple don't want them at the ceremony just that they can't afford larger numbers for the sit down meal afterwards.

YouOldSlag · 04/02/2013 18:07

As smonkinaces said upthread, evening guests are usually not invited to the church as it is more to do with having to pay for people to attend the reception.

It's far ruder to invite someone to the church, send them away during the reception, then invite them back to the evening do.

If someone has had to travel up to attend an evening do, then I think it would be rude to insist that they do NOT watch you get married. That would be very rude, especially if they have travelled up and are at a loose end until the evening do.

If you like someone enough to invite them to your evening, it's really weird to ban them from seeing your ceremony.

It's like inviting them to share your joy and telling them to keep their nose out all at the same time.

PickledInAPearTree · 04/02/2013 18:07

Is it a church? She may have been forced into asking family only if is a small registry office. I would have thought that was acceptable enough personally I know people that have done this rather than pick and choose from friends.

YouOldSlag · 04/02/2013 18:08

I bet your wedding was a hoot WorriedMummy73

WorriedMummy73 · 04/02/2013 18:10

I'm not married...

Hobbitation · 04/02/2013 18:15

We got married at the village church, and some neighbours/friends of PIL came to the ceremony. We didn't know them as such so wouldn't have invited them to the wedding, but they obviously knew of us through being friends with PIL and wanted to see their son/DIL tie the knot. I thought this was lovely. They had also planted flowers down the river bank in the wedding colours and helped MIL with the canapes and drinks.

Suttonmum1 · 04/02/2013 18:18

YANBU. I had a small wedding on a Friday and would have completely understood any of the few friends I invited not wanting to take time off. Why do people blow these events out of all proportion?

YouOldSlag · 04/02/2013 18:18

Hobbit- that's lovely. You see, that's the right attitude, not anger because a bride's wishes were not adhered to.

WorriedMummy73 · 04/02/2013 18:20

I'm now going to have a mahoosive wedding and invite all of you! And it's going to be in OK! magazine and everything!!! Deep breath apologies for anger issues...

stifnstav · 04/02/2013 18:23

Diddl, I'm with you. Going to see the ceremony when invited as an evening guest is totally normal behaviour!

On our wedding pics we have four rows in the back of the church full of evening guests! Plus some of my mum's work colleagues!

Its nice that they wanted to be there even if we couldn't extend daytime invites to everyone. You're normal Diddl!

EuphemiaLennox · 04/02/2013 18:24

Lots of people who we only invited to the evening do came to the church to see us married.

It was heaving in the church, standing room only the back.

It was lovely.

diddl · 04/02/2013 18:31

Well, I get that couples might not want/be able to afford everyone at the reception, but it never occurred to me that someone invited to the evening reception only wouldn´t be welcome at the ceremony-venue permitting, of course.

I rather looked on it as a kind thing to bother to do tbh-go to the ceremony, go home for hours & then go back to the party.

Ii had no idea that anyone would be so stressed about it.

stifnstav · 04/02/2013 18:33

We are going to have to form some sort of underground evening guest ceremony attenders club, but obviously the first rule of our club is not to talk about the club.

Pancakeflipper · 04/02/2013 18:34

Diddl - I have been to ceremonies at churches ( not yet gatecrashed a ceremony at a hotel yet).

And sometimes not even gone to the evening do.

It was the 'done' thing where I grew up as families couldn't possibly ask everyone from the local villages without bankrupting themselves.

The bride and groom would notify everyone the time of the ceremony and it was never seen as being rude to go.

I have done with work colleagues who just couldn't afford to invite us all to the day do but asked if we'd like to go to the service.

Nowt' odd about it at all. And I don't like weddings much.

Yama · 04/02/2013 18:34

Threads like these make me think I'm an oddball.

YANBU op.

And by the way Copernicus called and it turns out that the bride and groom are not the centre of the universe.

diddl · 04/02/2013 18:36

me in a quiche??

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6