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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to just divide the bill ...

226 replies

GenerallyIndecisive · 02/02/2013 16:43

Me and my DH had lunch today with some new friends. We have wanted to meet new people so have been making an effort to go to things and talk to new people so we were pleased when a couple we had been chatting to on and off for a few months suggested lunch. They picked quite a pricey pub but we had seen they did a few nice light bites and were happy to go there.

It was a nice lunch and we all got on really well but when the bill came the other couple just said to the waitress oh split the bill and handed over their card... Their food / drink was about £20 more though so we ended up paying £10 extra.

Money is really tight for us at present as I only get Maternity Allowance (was made redundant at 20 weeks pregnant and had only been there 1 year 11 months so no redundancy either).

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable to feel a bit upset and says that most people would just split the bill without giving it a second thought.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 02/02/2013 21:45

To be honest, I would automatically split the bill and unless say, one couple didn't have starters/puddings but the other did, I wouldn't think to check exactly what our share was. However, I've never minded at all if someone says "oh, do you mind if we pay for our own?" at the start, because then you can normally ask for separate bills at the start and then not have to do the akward working it out at the end thing.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/02/2013 21:48

No, but I do disagree. I'm sorry if I sounded confrontational, but I am conscious that the OP is here and you are being quite harsh towards her, IMO.

badtemperedaldbitch · 02/02/2013 21:52

I'mnot being harsh to her at all. Please explain what I said that was harsh?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/02/2013 21:55

Well, the way I see it, telling someone it's normal for them to subsidize dinner for someone well off, and that she's being unreasonable to be surprised, is a bit harsh.

In my experience, friends who are better off tend to be quite careful not to make other people feel inferior. I do myself, and my mates who're better off than me do the same. You're guilt-tripping her for not being well off, and that is a bit nasty, surely? She can't help how much money she earns.

badtemperedaldbitch · 02/02/2013 21:59

How on earth did you draw that conclusion from what I said? Gross misinterpretation!

Op if you think what lrd thinks then I apologise. Please read my first post. .you 5th post was a response to lrd.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/02/2013 22:01

How'd you mean? Confused

I'm sorry if I misunderstood.

I thought you were telling the OP it was normal to divide the bill in this sort of situation. I am a bit confused though, because my first post wasn't to you but you seem to think it was?

Snazzynewyear · 02/02/2013 22:02

Hate it when this happens but you have to now be prepared to deal with it next time. If you ever go out with them again say at the start 'We'll pay for our own food and drinks, we're being very careful with budgeting at the moment'. Having said that I have pointed out before now to not-a-care-in-the-world-bill-splitters that their share costs a lot more. Doesn't make you popular but does make the point. Quite a few people do this knowing they can count on others being too polite to mention it.

CloudsAndTrees · 02/02/2013 22:02

The intention isn't for one person to subsidise another's meal though. The intention is just to share each others company and have a nice time.

I doubt the OPs friends went out that day with the intention of getting a free steak.

And it can actually make people feel inferior if you ask them if its ok to split the bill or if they want to separate it. It's like saying 'you might be a bit skint or a bit tight, so Ill just check before doing the easiest thing'.

The whole bill splitting thing just looks so cheap (sorry!) and it does change the tone of the meal and leave things on a bit of a downer if too much thought is given to paying. That's why it's up to people who don't want to split to make things simple for everyone and ask for a separate bill.

HoratiaWinwood · 02/02/2013 22:02

bad - you did tell the OP she was pretending to be someone she is not. I think that's a bit rude.

Original poster
GenerallyIndecisive · 02/02/2013 22:04

The only thing I found offensive was:

I think it's rude to try and pass yourself off as something you're not.

I'm not trying to pass myself off as anything. My circumstances have changed dramatically since being made redundant at 20 weeks pregnant. I'm the same person but our money is really stretched. I haven't bitched about our new friends, they were lovely. I just wondered if I was being unreasonable to feel a bit Hmm and what other people did in the same situation.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/02/2013 22:05

clouds - yeah, I get that, but IMO nice people try to pay attention. I can see that if you all have meals costing pretty similar amounts, no one will notice. But you could hardly fail to notice someone has had soup and paid for you to have steak. IMO most people would feel awkward.

I do see that lots of people on this thread have issues with people who might be 'cheap' (or 'not rich' as I would call it), and that's something I try to avoid in my day to day life.

IMO it is not on to judge someone for not having as much money as you. If you love expensive food, fine, but IMO for a first dinner out with someone you don't know, it's best to start off paying attention to what their budget seems to be and being careful not to take advantage.

Snazzynewyear · 02/02/2013 22:05

On the 'subsidising' front. Me and DH used to be a lot better off and when we went out with friends who were less so, we would happily chip in more. That's changed but I'm not sure people's perceptions have - we are still thought of as people with deep pockets so no one thinks 'is it fair on them to split because neither of them have been drinking?' or similar. The fact is that we now have to get more upfront about it with people.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/02/2013 22:07

Oh, yes, I would chip in for someone who was less well off, that's true.

That's the opposite, though.

And I wouldn't chip in this amount unless it'd been clear to start, because it would seem kinda patronizing.

badtemperedaldbitch · 02/02/2013 22:08

Thanks clouds.... I was beginning to think I was going mad.

Lrd I was responding to your second post not your first

Horatio that was to lrd not op

HeathRobinson · 02/02/2013 22:10

'leave things on a bit of a downer if too much thought is given to paying'

I think it leaves things on a bit of a downer if people don't spare some thought to others' circumstances.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/02/2013 22:11

bad - my second post was me saying I don't know anyone who'd automatically split a bill, though? Confused

HoratiaWinwood · 02/02/2013 22:11

Horatia.

And OP was offended by it (we cross posted).

badtemperedaldbitch · 02/02/2013 22:12

If you had been upfront at the beginning there wouldn't have been a chance for a misunderstanding.

That's all I meant.. Sorry if my wording offended you op

HoratiaWinwood · 02/02/2013 22:15

I definitely agree with that. Any questions about who is paying what should come while you're looking at the menu if at all. It gives everyone at the table the chance to order steak or soup.

CloudsAndTrees · 02/02/2013 22:15

Well I think I'm a nice person, and I know DH, who is the one that does the actual paying for us, is definitely a lovely person.

But as I said earlier, we are usually the ones that end up doing the 'subsidising', if that's what you want to call it, and it just doesn't factor into a meal out for us to worry about other people's budgets when we are out. I'd expect that sort of thing to be considered when we were deciding where to go to eat in the first place.

It's fine not to split the bill, but if you are on such a tight budget that a few pounds here or there is going to make a difference, either suggest a cheaper place to eat, or ask for separate bills at the start. Don't make it other people's responsibility to worry about your budget when you are a grown up with a voice of your own and then get pissed off because they didn't go with what you wanted them to do. That's just silly.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/02/2013 22:15

I would normally split the bill. Some days you are going to pay for slightly more than you had, other times slightly less.

IME some people who are keen to only pay for their food are very quick to forget about things like the tip, or a service charge for the table if the group is over a certain size. I do say some, I know not everyone is like this.

I do think soup vs. steak is quite a discrepancy, but what did your DH have, OP, and what did the other person in the other couple have? What about drinks? It could have appeared that things were fairly even.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/02/2013 22:16

I don't imagine the other couples had a menu devoid of prices!

Come on, she was upfront. She and her husband ordered food.

Any normal person would have noticed they'd done so.

If you're trying to make new friends and haven't eaten out with someone before, that is a time to be quite polite and sensitive to the fact people have different budgets and different expectations, IMO.

badtemperedaldbitch · 02/02/2013 22:18

Lrd Yes and I had just said I did. You called me rude ylu said that I expect to have my bill subsidised like I'm some sort of freeloader

Maybe today my friends will subsidise my lasgane, maybe next time I'll subsidise their roast... I would think know but I trust my friends And am happy with splitting the bill are they. They want to pay their own that's okay too

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/02/2013 22:21

Well, I do think it is a bit like freeloading to expect someone less well off to help pay for your meal. Confused

I don't think this is about you. This is what the OP said these people did. They expected her to help pay for their meal.

They've not met before, so it is nonsense to say that it might even out another time - that attitude is fine when you know someone, but if you don't, IMO you should be polite and careful not to make someone spend more than they can afford.

The point is you know and trust your friends - but the OP was meeting someone she didn't know well. They should have been more sensitive IMO.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/02/2013 22:21

I don't think the couple did anything wrong. It's standard for most couples to split the bill. Unless you had dropped heavy hints about your finances, I don't think you would expect them to know your budget is tight. After all, they haven't known you for long. I think it's a bad idea to go somewhere you can't really afford as you won't enjoy the meal and will feel tense about the bill situation.

What's done is done, so don't make the same mistake again and next time suggest somewhere cheaper. If you're going to be friends you have to be honest otherwise it will lead to awkward situations, e.g. expensive birthday presents, days out etc.