Would you allow your 14 year old to go to a party and have 1 or 2 drinks?

[tjah04]

It is a house party with other kids from school.

Personally I am shocked but have been told that I have no idea and to wait until mine get older and I will understand.

I do not understand. My Dsis says that it is a compromise with a teenager and she is working on mutual respect.

I am worried that this type of compromise undermines a parents authority.

What do you think?

Unless things have massively changed in the 20 years since I was 14, excessive drinking would not be done at organised parties as, even if there weren't adults present, there was a house/property which could of been damaged and there would have been consequences/parents informed which wasn't worth the risk.

All of our excessive and irresponsible drinking was done on the streets or in the woods. Parties were a tame affair. This also means that the inevitable post-drinking sex also took place on the streets by some as young as 12 (not me - I waited until 16 with a boyfriend).

Unless you prevent your child from going out with friends until they are of an age where you feel getting drunk is acceptable then I'm afraid a determined teenager will find a way to do it.

I am a long way from having a teenager yet but already dreading it!

Home breathalysers are available quite cheaply these days and my DC will be subject to testing and expected to pass or these will be consequences!

I find it ironic that some of the parents who are saying 'hell no' are admitting that they at the same age did drink.

Did your parents ban you or did they trust you?

If they banned you, clearly that failed so what makes you think your ban will be anymore effective?

If they trusted you, are you therefore implying you've done a bad job as a parent and cannot afford your child the same level of trust that your parents gave you?

I had to laugh at 'allow'.

I drank at that age and I am damn sure my mum did not 'allow' me too. I think your DSis has a good sensible approach.

Damn, Damn, Damn. I can spell, I do know that allow me to has a single O in to!!

Err no! DS1 is 15, almost 16. I may consider it when he turns 16 but not before. No way!

niceguy2 when I was 14, my parents didn't give a shit what I was doing. I was out clubbing at 14 and drinking on the streets. I went to parties and don't know how I got home. I have tried to be a better parent than that.

My DC are older now. They were always allowed a little beer/wine at home. DS2 (18) doesn't like alcohol AT ALL but it's amazing what pressure he gets put under, not only by his peers but also adult relatives, to have a drink.

Not looking forward to the teenage years....

I had what at the time seemed like much too strict parents, at 14/15 many of my friends were allowed "out" on friday and saturday nights, basically drinking cider, 2020 etc on the street, local war memorial, parks etc. I was only allowed to houses of friends whose parents they knew a little, or to the cinema or whatever. For any sleepovers they would speak to the parents about arrangements. I wasn't really the type to lie anyway. I felt pissed off and left out as lots of conversation at school revolved around plans for/events at these nights.

They let me go out at 16 with 11pm curfew, by then we could get into pubs most of the time, and mum would always wait up, so couldn't get away with too many drinks.

Now have DC can kind of see their point more!

Good point niceguy, not thought about that.
As far as I can remember I never actually told my parents there would be drink there. They're not stupid by any means so probably knew. The house party that I had when slightly older certainly had under age drinking and they were on holiday. I may have downplayed the amount of partying that went on that night come to think of it....
What my parents did has already been mentioned on here. We were told to phone them, no matter what time and they would come and get us so I suppose the trust was implied there.
Still not sure I would let him though, my mind would be filled with the reports of those parties advertised on FB and hundreds of teenagers turning up fighting!
I would have to consider where it was and which child was hosting I think.

I'd like my DD to have her first drinks at home with us and get used to what it feels like to drink alcohol. If I think she's sensible/mature enough I'd probably be OK with 1 or 2 drinks at a party at that age - it's not ideal but I'd prefer her to do it with my blessing than behind my back. My parents were very strict about drinking and consequently I am was a nightmare with alcohol from about 13, got into some very silly situations which I would never want DD to repeat. I know 'allowing' her doesn't mean she won't then push her luck but I'd rather try it than banning alcohol completely.

That said she's only 10 now, wouldn't be surprised if my feelings change once she's older :)

Maryz I have filed away your 'thank their mates for getting them home safely and don't bollock them' advice for future reference, you talk a lot of sense.

Hi Foggles. Sorry to hear about your parents. I understand where you are coming from but being a better parent does not necessarily mean banning them from drinking.

I just think it's better to let them have a couple with your blessing than ban them only to risk them hiding it with Maryz example as a possible consequence. And then they hit 18 and go into a pub/club getting totally smashed and ending up god knows where because they've no experience at all.

I just think it's better to let them have a couple with your blessing than ban them only to risk them hiding it

How does one ensure that it is just a couple?

niceguy - sorry if I have not been clear but I never banned my DS's from having alcohol. Quite the opposite - we've tried to educate them on safe drinking levels. I just didn't agree to DS1 taking alcohol to house parties at 14 years of age when I knew they would be unsupervised. That wouldn't happen under my roof so I don't see why I should condone it elsewhere.

In the area where we live, there is a zero tolerance on drinking in the streets. The pubs also work closely with the police and do not tolerate under age drinking. All of this was not available when I was 14. What it is doing though is pushing the teenagers into drinking indoors and, where it was only cider & 20/20 when I was young - they are now knocking back bottles of cheap vodka.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. There are kids out there that may not be be bothered about having a drink before they are 20, and others that feel they should drink, or want to drink. My friends brother, had friends that were drinking from the age of 15, 16 or 17, he didn't drink anything but soft drinks until he was about 25. I hate to say it, but he is now an alcoholic and trying to manage things. This, of course, could also have happened if he started drinking at a much younger age, or maybe he would have levelled off and just continued to drink a 'normal' amount of alcohol.

I have a 15 year old dd. She is one of the youngest in her year, therefore a year younger than anyone else. When she went to a party just befor her 15th birthday, she asked us if she could bring alcohol. My dh and I felt she was too young and explained this to her. I had asked her what did she think she would have wanted to bring, she said maybe some wine, not beer, which I figured. We have discussed the dangers of having too much to drink, drugs etc. She brought some soft drinks with her.

When she got back home, we chatted about the party etc. She was fine and had a good time. I asked about what alcohol was there and she said wine, vodka, beer etc. I asked if she had any, she looked at me and told me she had some vodka and voluntarily told me how much. We talked again about underage drinking, wine versus spirits, being young etc.

She was truthful and honest, and next time she will be allowed to bring alcohol of some sort. Ideally i dont want her drinking, but I would rather she had the choice of drinking what she brings, rather than just having what everyone else brings with them.

This is such a difficult question. If I knew the parents and was sure that they would be there for the whole party, then maybe I would let my DC take lager or cider, but definitely not alcopops, wine or spirits.

As other posters have said, house parties can easily get out of hand nowadays. Many DC invite loads over when the parents are out/away and it seems that many don't have any idea how to treat things. I have heard from DS1, who has a very active social life, of many horrendous house parties that he has been to. Parties where toilets have been broken (as in smashed), carpets wrecked, etc.

When I was 16/18 we often had house parties. All the furniture would be moved out of one room into the garage, any horizontal surface would be covered in plastic. The drinks/food would be in the kitchen and, most importantly, my parents would be upstairs, everyone would know that they would be upstairs and they would come down once or twice, just to check. I have fond memories of those parties. It all seems a bit more hardcore nowadays. It's ironic. People won't let their DC walk to school, stay at home on their own for more than a couple of minutes when they're younger, but don't seem to check on their teenage DC.

Are you sure that your DC even wants to go to this party? Sometimes, they really do want you to say "no", even if they grumble about it to their friends. It's easier for them to say that you won't let them rather than to say that they actually don't want to.

As is the case with so many decisions that we make re our DC, only we know them and we always make the best decision at the time, that we can. I try to be as little judgmental as I can with other parents, as I am not walking in their shoes.

I also agree about making sure that they know that they can ring you at any time if the party seems to be getting out of hand or if any of their friends seem to be in trouble. That's what my parents did and it worked very well. I wouldn't be telling them/their friends off, either. The only time I did was when DS1 (18) told me he was going to take vodka to a party. I told him I thought it was a bad idea and that beer would be better. He still took vodka, drank it very quickly and was brought home by a friend very much the worse for wear. The friend slept in DS's bed and DS spent a very uncomfortable night on the kitchen floor, with me staying up nearly all night beside him as I was so worried. He hasn't done that again.

ILJJ agree totally with the " sometimes they want you to say no" and I've said I'm happy to be the " big bad parent" if they want to use me as a reason not to go to something they aren't happy about.

This has so far only been used to collect from a party/sleepover when DS didn't want to stay over , but that's fine.

We do a lot of taxiing when they have parties too. I/DH are always happy to turn out and take /fetch back. THe other safety thing about alcohol and teens of course as they get older is driving. Even if the driver is stone cold sober , driving home late at night with a car full of noisy kids (drunk or not) when you are tired and partied out, really isn't a challenge a new driver should take on I feel.

(control freakery moment.... I'm not sure I trust other parents if i don't know them, to drive my kids home on NYE for instance either!)

I didn't allow my 14 year olds to drink, I'm pretty certain they did though.

No, she doesn't go to house parties, her friends don't have them. She won't be allowed until she's at least 16.

I drank at 16 and above, went to pubs and nightclubs - that was a different era and where I lived was the alcoholic/drug capital of Britain. Join that with alcoholic parents and no supervision whatsoever and I'm lucky I didn't get into even more trouble.

Sadly there's too many daft parents - let me mention again the mixed sex sleepover dd was invited on for a 13th birthday party - the parents were going to be upstairs and would provide 2 beers each utter fuckwits IMO. No, no one went.

Compromise?? What is there to compromise about?? My DSD is 16 and there is absolutely no way I would allow her to drink. I'm not naiive and of course I know that teens drink and do drugs, but that doesn't make it OK. We are responsible for her safety. I understand that I can't control what goes on behind my back, but I can control what goes on in front of me and what values we teach and portray.

We had made it very clear to her to never drink and drive. We said that if you ever are in a situation where your ride is drunk (or you are) to call us for a ride or a taxi and we won't get mad. Well, a bit mad maybe...

No, I wouldn't allow it.

My son is 14 and I know that some of the kids in his year are having house parties and some get drunk.

He doesn't have any interest in drinking but I didn't at the same age either.

Oh and he isn't doing it without my knowledge, because we're quite open about discussing stuff and he's allowed to have a small drink with a meal at special occasions at home.

He isn't interested in having a small drink with a meal and he doesn't go to the parties.

I started drinking in pubs when aged 14 (I think things were a bit more lax in the 70's). I'm not trying to argue that was a good thing, but there were plenty others my age doing the same

I'd be interested to hear from those posters who think 14 is too young, when did they start drinking alcohol, and what was their parents attitude at the time.

(As an aside, I remember my aunts telling me that my dad was captain of his pub's darts team aged 15, he's now in his mid 80's)

Ì drank at 14. I was not wild (though I had pretty adventurous friends who've turned VERY respectable in old age and are horrified that THEIR teens are trying to get up to same as they did!) but my parents did their best to be understanding and open in the hope that I would be open back - that aspect did make me try to do my best by them - while keeping up with my adventurous friends. I would have been OFF THE RAILS if my parents had openly condoned my drinking underage. I dread my children reaching their teens but my rough plan is to try and instill responsibility and an understanding of their health and then fingers crossed and hoping and praying and involking an assortment of Gods to look after them......