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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you allow your 14 year old to go to a party and have 1 or 2 drinks?

95 replies

tjah04 · 01/02/2013 12:30

It is a house party with other kids from school.

Personally I am shocked but have been told that I have no idea and to wait until mine get older and I will understand.

I do not understand. My Dsis says that it is a compromise with a teenager and she is working on mutual respect.

I am worried that this type of compromise undermines a parents authority.

What do you think?

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 01/02/2013 12:49

The question is just whether you let them go to the party surely, you can't really control what she does when she is there. It is the drinking part that sounds bad but is fairly inevitable if she is going to parties, so I would rather discuss sensible drinking than ban outright. My 14 year old neighbour recently had a house party when her parents went away, it sounded like six or so girls, a couple of alcopops each and hours of karaoke - is isn't necessarily as debauched as we are all imagining - so depends on the kids and their friends to some extent.

I can see the argument to giving beer or something low alcohol content to take, otherwise a willing older brother will pop out and get people spirits (that always seem like much better value if coming by alcohol is difficult).

Original poster
tjah04 · 01/02/2013 12:50

She thinks adults will be there but does not know them. I am very worried

OP posts:
Startail · 01/02/2013 12:50

Yes, if I was certain that everyone was only going to have one or two.

I'd be totally hypocritical not to.

Our local pubs and village dance bars served us from 14.

Totally hypothetical, DD1 never gets invited to those sort of parties.
Her friends idea of a wild time is a trip to the theatre or a hike across the hills and hot chocolate in a tent.

Maryz · 01/02/2013 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChilliChips · 01/02/2013 12:53

Nope (and I have a 14 yr old). Although going by some of her friends on FB, there's a rather broad range of approaches to drinking at this age. Dd1 was offered a small glass of wine at Christmas but refused. If she was going to a party I'd assume that some of them would be drinking, though. At 14 I'd still be wanting the host's parents to be supervising heavily.

Ragwort · 01/02/2013 12:53

It depends, if it was a family I knew well and was 100% confident that they would be there for the whole party and supervising the drinks then yes, I probably would. But in these circumstances when you don't know the other parents, and your DD only 'thinks' they might be there, then no, I wouldn't.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 01/02/2013 12:55

A lot of the posters saying no, no way, seem also to be accepting that it'll probably happen anyway and whilst they won't enable it, they know they can't stop it.

If I knew and trusted the parents, yes, I would and have.

QuickLookBusy · 01/02/2013 12:56

No not at 14

I let DDs go when they were 15 nearly 16.

They were always picked up at 10.30 ish. They weren't allowed to stay at parties until they were in sixth form.

catladycourtney1 · 01/02/2013 12:56

I think it depends on a lot of things - how mature is your dd? Do you trust the people she'll be with? Will there be adults? Personally, if my daughter was fairly mature and knew about the dangers, etc etc, and I trusted that she was going where she said she was going and the people she was going with, then I think I would.

I certainly used to go to house parties and drink from around that age, and I got in some sorry states, too... But then when I turned 18 and started going out properly, where there were people I didn't know and the possibility of drink spiking/being attacked/passing out in the street, I knew my limits and fared a lot better than some of the more sheltered kids I knew.

QuickLookBusy · 01/02/2013 12:57

Sorry, agree with TheOrigional, if I knew parents and adults were there, I would let them go at 14.

Goldmandra · 01/02/2013 12:58

Yes some teenagers will smuggle drinks into parties and have a sneaky swig. Even with parents present they probably ingest some alcohol.

However there's a big difference between a supervised party where alcohol isn't allowed and one where it is encouraged/accepted.

DD1 (15) attended a couple at a friend's house last year. I had ensured that alcohol was not expected and an adult would be present.

A few months later I picked her up from one at the same house where there were lots of alcohol bottles lying around and no adult in evidence. It also turned out that the party goers had been going off into the family's beds in couples. I told her she wouldn't be going to one there again.

The next party they had was a complete disaster and the house was wrecked. DD told me I had been right to keep her away.

I knew there would be illicit alcohol available at the first one but the fact that it wasn't allowed and the party was supervised put a limit on how much drinking happened and how the teenagers behaved.

I respect my DD's ability to make responsible choices but I also acknowledge that she is too young to take full responsibility for her own well-being in a room full of unsupervised, drunk teens.

ivykaty44 · 01/02/2013 12:58

I really don't like the idea, but I wouldn't stop her.
Dd went to a party just before christmas where all the party goers were given a bottle of wicked, I wasn't told before hand or even asked. Dd came back in a very lively state but no harm was done - though not sure about a couple of other girls as they are not allowed to drink for religious reasons.

Thing is if you stop it then they will do it another way, and having one drink in a controlled situation is the lesser of two evils

niceguy2 · 01/02/2013 12:59

I wonder how many of you who has said no have teenagers?

As others have said they'd probably sneak a couple more than they are supposed to anyway. So I'd rather she went to have a couple with my blessing and not feel the need to hide it than go, get pissed, into trouble but then be too afraid to call me.

Teenagers need to be given increasing amount of rope so they can spread their wings and learn to make decisions (and mistakes) on their own. I let my DD drink from about 14 in the company of family/friends. Even bought her alcohol since I don't personally drink. She's now 16 and curiously enough she doesn't bother now at all. I even offer to get some for her and she turns it down.

Take away the forbidden fruit aspect of it and I guess it's pretty boring for a teenager.

Lilymaid · 01/02/2013 13:00

No - as said, drink (particularly vodka) is always smuggled in and it usually ends up with at least one child in a pretty bad way.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 01/02/2013 13:01

I had this situation not so long ago.

Ds1 (13) was supposed to be going to a party and the mother had phoned and asked if it was ok if he had a couple of drinks.

To me, no it's not ok. It's not in my house, I have no control over what or how much he is drinking.
I know in all likelihood he will have a drink before 18.

But I wasn't the only parent who objected to this and quite a few of the boys ended up not going.
In all fairness, I spoke to DS about it and said I wasn't happy about the drinking. He said that if all his friends were doing it he probably would do it so he didn't go, a few of the other boys didn't go either and stayed at our house with pizza and ps3

We later found out that 2 boys were sick in the house, the fish tank was smashed, and a mirror broken.
And a lot of DCs grounded.

awoogaagogo · 01/02/2013 13:07

I'd let them, yes.

Maryz · 01/02/2013 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theas18 · 01/02/2013 13:10

2 questions really.

Would I let my 14yr old have a couple of alcoholic drinks at home. Yes (but wine /beer /cider not alcopops. If you drink alcohol I think you need to know you are drinking it, not some sort of fruity pop that has a " get drunk" side effect).

Would I let my 14yr old go to a house party where there will be many teens, alcohol and little supervision? No I don't think so and they wouldn't want to go I don't think.

TheCatIsEatingIt · 01/02/2013 13:11

I'm not sure. When I was 14, we had parties at a friend's house. His dad would go to his girlfriend's, just up the road, so he'd have been there in minutes if we'd needed him, and we knew that if we did need him, we could call and he'd sort us out. We got thoroughly pissed, but no real harm was done. Sexual experimentation didn't go further than a bit of snogging and groping until we were much nearer 16. We still laugh about those memories now, nearly 30 years later, and many of the group are still good friends. Those who didn't want to drink or had really strict parents didn't drink but still had fun.

I think, if it was that sort of friendship group and that sort of set-up, I'd be cautiously ok with it. If I was less happy with the group, not just my kid, maybe not.

ScaredySquirrel · 01/02/2013 13:14

no I wouldn't. But I only have a 14 yo son at the moment, who isn't at all interested in booze. I haven't given him any drinks at family parties, and he hasn't asked.

There may be more pressure from my daughter when she is 14. But I won't allow it still and will clamp down if I discover it does happen. (suspect it will anyway though...).

AntimonySalts · 01/02/2013 13:15

No, no, no, no, no. And again: no.

Catchingmockingbirds · 01/02/2013 13:15

At 14, no that's too young IMO.

Theas18 · 01/02/2013 13:16

and I with maryz re truth. Truth and personal safety.

I have a 19 and 17yr old as well as the 13yr old. The 19yr old does as she likes now she's at uni, I've seen lots of party photos , but she always appears reasonably sober..ish (maybe I don't get the rolling naked in beer shots!). However she also needs to be up and singing Sunday morning, so there is a slight limit to how hung over you can be then LOL.

The 17yr does drink a little at parties but has never been rolling drunk either.

THey all know that while they are within driving distance (so OK not at uni!) if they are ever in a situation where they are worried /feeling unsafe we will fetch them (even if they've done something daft and got completely ratarsed or god forbid, taken something) and we will help not shout them out.

impty · 01/02/2013 13:17

dd is 15 and not allowed to go to parties with drink. She is offered small amounts of wine at family meals occasionally. She doesn't really like it though.
Its the same for most of her friends. Im sure it'll change in the coming years...Sad

Now when I was 15 Shock Grin .... well lets not go there!

Flobbadobs · 01/02/2013 13:21

I know what happened at house parties when I was 14/15, I remember most of it. No way in hell will mine be doing that at the same age!