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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be surprised that in 2013 people are up in arms about a woman keeping her surname on marriage?

238 replies

ComposHat · 31/01/2013 23:45

For clarity's sake, it is worth stating that I am a gentleman mumsnetter who is due to get married in the spring.

My fiancée is keeping her surname after the marriage. It wasn't something we'd discussed, it was just something both of us assumed that we would both keep our surnames on marriage.

Anyway over the last few weeks I've been shocked at some people's reaction to this.

My fiancée met her Aunt who was over from Australia who asked her what her surname would be after marriage, to which she responded 'same as it is now.' her Aunt was a bit dumbfounded and her Aunt's husband who is a bit of a stereotypical unreconstructed Aussie male, starting going on about 'what sort of bloke would stand for that' I'm amazed he hasn't put his foot down' etc etc.

A male friend of my parents had a similar reaction. He asked my mum how she felt about there being another Mrs Hat in the family and when she explained there wouldn't be, he was beside himself.

Am I really surprised that people have such definite opinions on such things and feel entitled to express them to us in quite vehement terms?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 01/02/2013 14:00

Oooh, get Edam with her Extreme Bossiness Grin

PenelopePipPop · 01/02/2013 14:01

"2) I couldn't give a shiny shite about if someone who is peering over a hotel register thinks I'm having an affair with my own wife. I actually quite like the idea of being thought of as the Leslie Phillips of the Lothians in some busybody's mind."

Indeed it does add a certain frisson. We spent our honeymoon in Italy and the propriator of one of the hotel's we stayed was so a-palled at the idea of an unmarried couple sharing a double room that on our second night there she had moved two single rooms into our double room. Which we pushed together. And she pushed apart again the next day. Etc etc.

Frankly I enjoyed the fact that we scandalised someone on our own actual factual honeymoon. I am not prepared to comment on whether we got up to filthier sex as a result...

CreamOfTomatoSoup · 01/02/2013 14:02

My friend took his wife's name when they got married. He failed to tell his (quite conservative) father about this and stormed out of the wedding when they were referred to as Mr and Mrs Wifesname.

CreamOfTomatoSoup · 01/02/2013 14:02

The father stormed out.

TheSmallPrint · 01/02/2013 14:04

I was told by someone younger than me that I was being disrespectful to my husband by not taking his name. Hmm

My mum and MIL both ignored the fact I didn't change it and all postal communication to us from them is addressed to Mr and Mrs DH first and second name!!

limitedperiodonly · 01/02/2013 14:04

AdoraBell I'd love to say more but it would hijack the thread and more importantly she'd recognise herself and come and get me Grin

minouminou · 01/02/2013 14:05

Awwwww.....go on, limited!

We'll protect you.

motherinferior · 01/02/2013 14:06

Please do, limited, I've got a deadline to dodge...

minouminou · 01/02/2013 14:08

Yeah......same here......let's dodge deadlines AND bonkers sisters......

Original poster
ComposHat · 01/02/2013 14:09

Hijack away limited I don't mind.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 01/02/2013 14:09

In the unlikely event of Mr Inferior and me finding the time and opportunity to check into a hotel toute seules, I suspect our generally somewhat domestic and sub-erotic manner together would kind of suggest we weren't having a wild affair. (Even though we're not married.)

SnowyWellies · 01/02/2013 14:10

Me too!

Although am wondering if 5mad and I should set up a support group for mothers-who-refuse-to-pair-socks

fiftyodd · 01/02/2013 14:18

I kept my name (we married in 1988) and on the whole it hasn't caused many issues, but there are a few:
The bank told me I had to write to them to tell them I wasn't changing it on my own account which we turned into a joint account. I ended up getting the manager to the house to apologise.

Dc are double-barrelled and complain about having the longest names on the school register.

Some relatives insist on calling me by dh's surname.

One positive is that it's a great way of filtering out cold-callers - if they call me Mrs DH Surname, then they don't know my actual ID.

Congrats to Compos and fiancée and boo to your unreconstructed rellies!

curryeater · 01/02/2013 14:21

Congratulations, Compos!
I think people feel they can stick their beaks into other people's arrangements where marriages are concerned, because marriages are not just contracts between two people, but stand for a bond between them and society at large (and God, if you involve him /her too, but that's not relevant here). Honestly, that's one of the things that puts me off the whole thing. There is nothing actually legal that says I would suddenly have to iron DP's shirts if we got married, or always make sure there was at least one banana in case he wanted one, no matter how much I or the dcs might want it (as with my mother and my father). But I have this niggling fear that if we were married, people would stick their beaks in more, or it would bother me more that they did.

And people feeling free to opine about this to you - well what is happening here is that they are opining on the behaviour of a woman, which they always feel relatively free to do, but you are now hearing it because she is about to become your woman, so you have to take some responsibility for her wayward behaviour. Tut tut tut.

(I am reminded of a line in a Roddy Doyle book - ""Have you no control over your wife?" "No," I said proudly")

5madthings · 01/02/2013 14:30

fiftyodd that is so true re cold callers! we get lots is mrs dp's surname there...i reply sorry no one if that name lives at this address bye!

Links arms with snowy pairing socks up is so passe now i dont know why anyond bothers Grin

motherinferior · 01/02/2013 14:36

I usually tell people who want Mrs Hisname that she's dead. His mum died six years ago now.

Moominsarehippos · 01/02/2013 14:37

Our son (same first name as my late dad) sometimes gets mail addressed to his first name, my surname. It looks very odd.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 01/02/2013 14:40

I got married 20+ years ago and kept my name. I use Ms. I have lived most of my married life in what is probably the most traditional part of the US and have had no problems, with family or anyone else. I do have friends who have reported reactions similar to those experienced by the OP, however. Of my closest women friends, about half kept their maiden names and half changed to their husband's names. All use Ms. Of the name-changers, all use their maiden names as a middle name, as is common in the US.

Original poster
ComposHat · 01/02/2013 14:42

Yes I think the two sets of sensible pyjamas and a well thumbed novel each would suggest that we weren't a pair of clandestine lovers booked in for a night of 'making the beast with two backs.'

That is if anyone actually gave one gram of fuck.

OP posts:
AgnesAndTheOthers · 01/02/2013 14:45

oh limited, please tell about your sister, OP said its OK. Maybe if she's that bad, start a new thread, it could be a support thread for those with REALLY bossy sisters. I'd join, honest.

Congrats OP. Know where you are coming from though. Its the fact that people comment at all, why do they even care what you are called, just why??!! I don't care a hoot what others call themselves, but like you say, its the need to comment and to do so, so vehemently, telling-you-off kinda of way. Grrrrr.

SnowyWellies · 01/02/2013 14:58

yes please limited. I still have a deadline I am avoiding.

nice nice Gentleman Op for not minding. :)

Congrats OP too! I forgot to say that earlier!

Crinkle77 · 01/02/2013 14:59

I would keep my surname too. It is such an outdated concept. My surname is part of my identity and don't want to change it

limitedperiodonly · 01/02/2013 15:02

I've had a little practice go on a word document but it's too obvious. I'm going up the road to pay a cheque in and see if I grow a backbone.

motherinferior · 01/02/2013 15:05

It's your fault if I meet my next deadline, you know.

whiteflame · 01/02/2013 15:16

I got married last year and kept my name. I too was surprised how many people this seemed to seriously rile. Mostly people my age (under 30), funnily enough!

It was irritating that so many people seemed to think that I would like to be referred to just once as "Mrs DHname", so did things like post wedding pictures on Facebook with that caption. I really couldn't get them to understand that not changing your name was a bloody step forward for women, not something to be pitied. People saying "it's such a shame you need your maiden name for work". I did, but I wouldn't have changed it even if I had no job and never intended to work again. Got sick of trying to explain this though.