AIBU to be surprised that in 2013 people are up in arms about a woman keeping her surname on marriage?

[ComposHat]

For clarity's sake, it is worth stating that I am a gentleman mumsnetter who is due to get married in the spring.

My fiancée is keeping her surname after the marriage. It wasn't something we'd discussed, it was just something both of us assumed that we would both keep our surnames on marriage.

Anyway over the last few weeks I've been shocked at some people's reaction to this.

My fiancée met her Aunt who was over from Australia who asked her what her surname would be after marriage, to which she responded 'same as it is now.' her Aunt was a bit dumbfounded and her Aunt's husband who is a bit of a stereotypical unreconstructed Aussie male, starting going on about 'what sort of bloke would stand for that' I'm amazed he hasn't put his foot down' etc etc.

A male friend of my parents had a similar reaction. He asked my mum how she felt about there being another Mrs Hat in the family and when she explained there wouldn't be, he was beside himself.

Am I really surprised that people have such definite opinions on such things and feel entitled to express them to us in quite vehement terms?

[ComposHat]

If I saw a Mr X and Mrs Y checked into a hotel, I would assume they were having an affair

There are two problems with your line of argument.

1. We would sign in as Mr Compos Hat & Ms Ophelia Buttocks just as we do now. She will be Ms Buttocks not Mrs Buttocks, she isn't marrying her dad.
   
   
   
2. I couldn't give a shiny shite about if someone who is peering over a hotel register thinks I'm having an affair with my own wife. I actually quite like the idea of being thought of as the Leslie Phillips of the Lothians in some busybody's mind.

[SnowyWellies]

Wow, just Wow, limited about your sister. I hope her colleague told her where to shove it. How out of line is that?

[minouminou]

Ha ha, Compos! Leslie Phillips of the Lothians! Ding dong.....
Why would you assume someone was having an affair? Who says either person is married in the first place?

[5madthings]

I cant see my childrrn being that bothered and i would hope i have raised them and encouraged them to have enough critical thinking skills that they woukdnt be so daft as to think they were 'bastardising' their name if they choose not to use all of it.

And pavlov lots if children dont have the same surname as one of their parents and plenty of people dont get married and not all that do call themsekves 'mrs' some on this thread have said they use ms or miss. Its your issue if you make daft assumptions and asume that everyobe shoukd follow what is rather an archaic tradition that dates back to women being possesions of their fathers/husbands. My choice is not to partake in that tradition, i dont care what others do and neithet do i make assumptions about them in the way that you seem to.

[plummyjam]

Although this article here suggests that most European women do use their husband's name despite not being legally required to change it.

[minouminou]

The only hassle we've had (other than bonkers ex-chum) is elderly relatives of DP's who didn't bat an eye at the double-barrelling, but insisted for a while on putting DP's name at the start of the barrel (just realised that sounds weird).
We'd decided my name should be first purely because the other way round sounds like a merchant bank! Took a few goes, but I think they've got it now.

[nickelbabe]

Miggsie
"I also find women who sit "practising" their new name by writing the signature with their to-be-DH's name over ands over a bit disturbing as well. As if somehow their personality is to be subordinate to someone else's."

good point!

i spent a long time perfecting my signature as a teenager.
it looks like mountains. if i'd taken DH's surname, i couldn't have made it look like mountains.
once, I tried having a large lower-case-style A at the beginning, but it looked bloody stupid, so I went back to my mountains.

[MerryCouthyMows]

What gets me is when I get a call for an appointment for DS2 or DS3, asking for 'Mrs Ex's Surname', even though we were never married, and haven't been in a relationship for nearly two years. Which they all know, because it's on their notes on front of them.

In order to get my phone number, they MUST have to open the file that has my name 'Miss CouthyMow' ABOVE my telephone number...

I had a call just today where this happened. And they never seem able to grasp the concept that though I have a 9yo and a 2yo with Mr Ex Partner, that I was never, and will never be 'Mrs Ex Partner'.

Even if we HAD got married, I would have automatically kept my birth surname, for emotional reasons.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghh.

[minouminou]

Ridiculous. Why do some people think so bloody RIGIDLY.
I've got hardcore very conservative catholic friends (think a glam Anne Widdecombe for the mum) who genuinely couldn't give a flying one about things like this. All they care about is that the family is happy and healthy.

[SnowyWellies]

That sounds funny limited! Does anyone ever pull her up on it? I do know people like that. I am usually too busy to care about what other people think- but recently was subjected to an angry rant myself from my cousin because my youngest Ds is always in odd socks. I put on socks that are to hand, and socks that fit and then get on with my life. He is 2. He does not care!

[sorry, off topic]

[minouminou]

Snowy.....just day you're prioritising function over form and then fall silent.

[SnowyWellies]

Love it. :)

One time I said 'to me they are the same because I go by texture' but was met with a look.

[pettyprudence]

Dh said I couldnt "steal" his name when we got married I think he assumed I would want to keep my name, with it being the 21st century, but the way I saw it was I was swapping the name of one man I didnt particularly like (biological father) for one I did. It also has the added bonus of being higher up the alphabet
My other option was to change my surname to that of dm's but that didnt feel entirely right either.

[SpicyPear]

I'm surprised by this although that probably says more about where I live, cicles I mix in etc. I changed my name and think that raises more eyebrows amongst my peers, where keeping is now the norm.

I consider myself a feminist and know what it represents, but for me there is nothing wrong with wanting a family name. There are going to be issues down the generations with having to choose names. It's just practical fact. I'd like to see keeping your own name, DH taking DW's or DW taking DH's all being socially acceptable so the couple has free choice.

It made no practical sense for DH to take mine in our particular circumstances. We discussed it hypothetically and he felt that although he wouldn't mind, he probably wouldn't have wanted to deal with other's comments/confusion. Basically didn't fancy being a trailblazer.

[limitedperiodonly]

No snowy she's too scary. It's best to back away slowly with no sudden moves. Seriously, most people just want a quiet life.

You would be judged over the socks. Probably for encouraging bohemian attitudes in your child which will damage him in future.

OT too.

[BegoniaBampot]

Prettyprudence - hadn't thought of that one. I'm not close to my father at all or his family who were all quite strange , hadn't thougt that might have unconsciously be one of my readons.

My maiden name was also so common where I grew up. I thought of keeping my name and discussed it with my fiancé, the fact that he was ok with it actually made it easier to decide to take his as I liked it better than my own as it's quite unusual. I'm the only BegoniaBampot on Facebook and possibly the UK, hell maybe even the world (going away to have alook now). Also wanted the kids and parents all to have the same name. If he had had a horrible name, I might have rethought it and completely understand and thin it's normal form women to keep their own names.

[edam]

I've only met a couple of people (largely elderly) who have been at all bothered by me keeping my own name, and they are easy to brush off. Apart from my Gran who kept sending me birthday cheques made out to 'Mrs dhfirstname dhsurname' in a very marked manner.

The grief I did get is when local friends realised ds has my surname, not dh's. Raised eyebrows, comments about 'extreme feminism' and me bossing dh about. It's no more effing extreme than a child taking his or her father's name FFS. And FWIW it was dh who insisted on leaving his name out, I was quite happy to give ds both. (dh thinks his name is common and boring, which is true. But he did give ds both Granddad's first names for middles so there's a paternal line in the naming.)

[5madthings]

Oh god my children have a double barreled name AND they wear odd socks...they are doomed!

Life is too short to pair socks or for me to be bothered by other peoples name choices!

[AdoraBell]

Snowy and Limited my OH has a habit if slipping into the same kind of thing. I grew up with a ranty, among other things, father so I'm not putting up with it now. When he starts I butt in with "and it's my fault" he says "no, what are you talking about?" To which I say "it must be my^ fault otherwise you wouldn't be able to justify talking to me the way you just did" then he sees the light. Another one that works is "and what did I do to cause this reaction?"

[calandarbear]

I don't think YABU.

However, in real life I don't know any married women that haven't taken their husband's name so if some told me they were keeping their name on marriage I would probably raise and eyebrow and say "Really?" and then "ok then" and forget about it (and probably later totally forget and write Mrs husband's name on a card or letter without thinking and probably quite unintentionally offend said person).

That said I don't know many people (or infact anyone outside old school friends and the mothers at school) so am probably hideously out of touch with the wider world.

[RattyRoland]

My MIL was really funny when dp and I gave our dc a double barrelled name, she argued that as were engaged we should use his name, dc would hate being double barrelled etc.

Never occurred to MIL I may wish to keep my name!

[motherinferior]

Er...what's with this 'older people' (the BIL) and '20 years ago things were different'? BIL is only ahem less than a decade older than I am....and 20 years ago it was the 1990s, dammit, not the 1850s.

My aunt appears to think I have married DP and sends us cards to Mr and Mrs Hisname-myname (this is the surname the kids have). I sort of let her, and only her, get away with it, not so much because she is a 75 year old nun, but because she also sends hyphenated cards to my sister and her lovely female partner

[PrincessFiorimonde]

I married my now ex 20+ years ago and didn't change my name. My mum was the only person who commented, and even her comment wasn't outraged - she just asked why we didn't double barrel. Looking back, perhaps it was unusual that elderly relatives, very traditional in outlook, didn't comment (at least to my face!) and every year sent Christmas cards with both our names on.

We didn't have children. Not sure what we'd have done re: surnames if we had.