AIBU to be surprised that in 2013 people are up in arms about a woman keeping her surname on marriage?

[ComposHat]

For clarity's sake, it is worth stating that I am a gentleman mumsnetter who is due to get married in the spring.

My fiancée is keeping her surname after the marriage. It wasn't something we'd discussed, it was just something both of us assumed that we would both keep our surnames on marriage.

Anyway over the last few weeks I've been shocked at some people's reaction to this.

My fiancée met her Aunt who was over from Australia who asked her what her surname would be after marriage, to which she responded 'same as it is now.' her Aunt was a bit dumbfounded and her Aunt's husband who is a bit of a stereotypical unreconstructed Aussie male, starting going on about 'what sort of bloke would stand for that' I'm amazed he hasn't put his foot down' etc etc.

A male friend of my parents had a similar reaction. He asked my mum how she felt about there being another Mrs Hat in the family and when she explained there wouldn't be, he was beside himself.

Am I really surprised that people have such definite opinions on such things and feel entitled to express them to us in quite vehement terms?

I kept my surname 20+ years ago, and know several people who did the same about the same time. It wasn't new then. FIL did complain a bit to SIL, but as our children took DHs name it's not been too much of an issue.

I was actually spooked when my nieces were addressed as Mrs newHfirstname newHsurname at their weddings, and didn't seem to even think about taking their Hs surname. But then I was horrified that the whole family knew when DNeice was about to be proposed to.

i kept my surname and the kids have my name too,no real reason for it,i just wanted to,i dont see a reason why they should have his name over mine and vice versa,neither of us know our dad(who we got our names off)and i felt slightly more strongly about it than my husband does so we chose mine,he has kept his though.

when dc4 was born mynan rang wholives in france and said oh baby "insert dads surname" thats nice,i said no theyve all got me name and she said it was terrible,i asked why,she said well its just nice.

People always say that when they dont know the real reason they do things like this!its just nice!

I take it that the Aussies asked the question as they didn't know what ComposHat's last name was, not because they had an inkling she would behave in such a bluestocking manner.

Yep, having only ever met them briefly, they didn't know my surname so just assumed that she would be taking that on our marriage. It didn't enter their thinking that she might want to keep her surname.

As for children, this will be difficult for reasons craic suggested, I'm not keen on double barrelled surnames for any children should we chose to have them. Especially if they chose to have children with someone else with a double barrelled surname? The prospect of grandchildren quadruple-barrell surnames seems a trifle unwieldy.

I prefer her surname to mine, so maybe have my surname as a middle name, which isn't uncommon in Scotland.

I've been Ms Cowgirl since I opened a bank account at 18. Don't see why getting married would change that, after all DH kept his name.

I also hate when my mother in law sends u scards andstuff saying "mr and mrs joe bloggs"

is that just me?and if i ask for anyones address she sends it as "mr and mrs old welsh man"

so annoying.

I changed my name when i got married, caught up wedding fever and thinking properly. I tried to like it but it doesn't suit me and with various inlaw incidents it was becoming almost rage inducing writing their name(sorry dh!)

When i was researching how i go about changing my name when still married, do i need deed poll etc, i found lots of other women asking the same and even on different forums there were people replying "have consulted your inlaws to see how they feel?"
Women still husband's property then?

I'm now looking forward to the inlaws response when they find out, they are drama llamas so it should be good!

I know, families who give their kids double-barrelled surnames are just passing the problem/potential arguements onto the next generation, poor fuckers like me!

That post is so badly written blame dd for hanging off my arm and stupid auto correct.

It amazes me too when people comment or are surprised. I use both names, as I could not be arsed to change bank accounts or my passport or drivers licence. I go by 'Ms [original name]' and 'Mrs [Husband's name]' I quite like having two names and swapping them around according to what I feel like at the time. I am a committed feminist also. (Actually, a DAunt who is quite aggressive sneered at me when I said that I did use DH's surname and commented 'And you call yourself a feminist'. I replied 'A feminist means being able to make the choices that suits me'. I have mumsnet to thank for that response- and it shut her up. )

I don't mind at all if people call me Mrs DHname. DH says he quite likes it if people phone him up and ask for Mr Myname because he knows immediately they're a cold caller trying to sell him something.

I have always used Ms and although the DCs are double barrelled I don't particularly like double barrelling, it just seems the most sensible option. We expect the DCs will drop one of the names as adults.

But its not a problem for children with a double barrelled surname they can just choose which names/names to give to their children. I dont care what names my children give to their children.

I think it is understandable that older people think it is strange.

To be honest I think it's strange, and I'm in my 20s! Why you not want to have the same name as your spouse? DP said he wouldn't mind taking my surname, but I would like to take his when we marry because I think it is nicer. I also think double-barreling is a bit tacky.

I also think this will cause various confused situations for you in the future. If I saw a Mr X and Mrs Y checked into a hotel, I would assume they were having an affair . And if your child had a different surname than yours, I would assume you were their step-parent. Having the same name means something to people - that you are a family.

My parents, the only people other than us this concerns are totally fine with it.

My sister is an academic so to change a surname to Dr X Husbandsname would be career suicide if she chose to marry. So I think they thought it would be the same with us.

I'm Miss Maidenname professionally and Mrs DHname socially. Nobody had raised an eyebrow, maybe because DH is fine with it so they don't feel he's being emasculated by this ball-breaking career woman he's landed himself with. I think they like me, but I'm the only woman in the family with a "career" rather than a part time job that fits around domestic responsibilities (not a criticism, different choices, I might do similar if our life changes so as to make it a good idea) , so I was a bit worried at first about what they'd think. They're lovely, so I think as long as DH is happy, they're happy.

My friend is getting married soon and keeping her name. She's an academic with a growing reputation, and I never doubted she'd keep her name professionally, but I was surprised that she was keeping it altogether. I know I was silly to be surprised, the social conditioning must run deep.

My SIL gets irate over letters addressed to Mr and Mrs

Paiviaso hate to say it, but you're making far too many assumptions there

I have my own identity and am not reliant on having the same name as DP. And as more and more women opt out of taking a husband's surname, then your assumptions will have less and less validity.

We are talking about an Anglo-Saxon tradition after all, one based on old laws stating the woman was legally the property of the husband. Are you really so suprised women are now opting out of this?

If you want the same name as your husband, why doesn't he change his?

Yes, that's true 5mad, but there is a problem when your partner sees both names as their name and refuses to separate them, as this would somehow be bastardising it.

Fairly certain DP's parents couldn't give a monkeys what we decided to do. I'm just pointing out that choosing between four names and any combination thereof (in the case of a couple with two double-barrelled names) is potentially as complicated as picking between two.

paiviaso-because its nicer?

see here it is again!

well paiviaso, when you assume you make an ass out of you & me.

I wanted the same name as husband and kids. I gave up maiden name on the understanding that they al carry on my maiden name as a middle name, quite common in Scotland.

Ambersock I think I agree that the people who really stick to this "tradition" are the ones who don't actually understand the background to it, and think "it's nice"

Even my mum, when she'd thought about it, said she'd have preferred to keep her name rather than change, as everyone did then.

yup, Compo people do get annoyed.

It's the worst part about it- I don't care, I like my own, original name, DH doesn't care, he doesn't have to change anything. i just don't get why people who it doesn't affect care so much - if my name is the same, then you don't have to learn a new name, so why the hell do you care?

it's daft.

KatherineKrupnik aren't you clever! I've never heard that one before.

My family and my MIL assumed it's because I have a career. It's nothing to do with that. It's because it's my name - or my father's, but we've got to start somewhere.

The only confusion is that sometimes DH is assumed to be Mr Limited. But that's not a problem worth worrying about. We can cope with people thinking we're having an affair.

My sister was so offended by a colleague's decision to keep her maiden name at work that she campaigned against it. I'm not kidding. When a mechanic called the office using the woman's married name to authorise some repairs it caused a few minutes' confusion until the penny dropped and he was put through.

My sister invented ever more dramatic scenarios whereby this woman's completely normal decision to keep her own name for work could end in tragedy in an emergency and she should be forced to use her husband's name.

My sister must have come over as a loon. She's not old btw

I didn't name change on marriage, never met anybody yet that cares less about it. This wikipedia entry is interesting, seems that women don't name change in most countries around the world. Much more common to take husband's name in the UK and commonwealth countries.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Married_and_maiden_names

People can be very odd about this.
DP and I aren't married, and our two DC are double-barrelled. One of the nastiest and pointless attacks I've ever been subjected to arise from this! An otherwise sane and rational female friend just LAUNCHED herself at me over it. She claimed we were DB-ing the names to get more respect for ourselves (wha'?) and that this wouldn't work. All sorts of weird stuff.....putting feminism above a loving relationship, confusing the kids, trying to be posh..... When I explained our reasons for DB-ing, she just kept responding "I don't care."
She started it off by saying ...."it's a bit........" So I had to ask what the "dot dot dot" was. Then.....BANG! And the chum is gone!

Weird!
Lots of friends have changed their name, and like a PP said.....it's about the choice.