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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if I am doing the right thing with ds and little boy with SN

24 replies

doorbellringer · 31/01/2013 23:05

My ds is 15 months and we go to a toddler group weekly. One of the leaders takes his little boy along aged 3. He is big for his age weighs about 3.5 st and very tall.
The little boy has learning difficulties so I make an effort and play roll the ball or try basic sign language (I'm not the best but I try). I talk to the dad about everyday stuff like "how's your week been" or "have you tried that new pizza place in town". The reason being there seems to be a lot of knowing looks between the other leaders and I've heard snippets about his condition but I think the dad appreciates no questions just general chit chat. I just take them both at face value and hopefully apply a bit of common sense; like not upsetting him by imposing great big bear hugs etc.

Probably every other week little boy gives ds cuddles and they both inevitably topple over or he gets over excited and maybe pushes a bit too hard to get the ball or toy or whatever. I do not try to stop what is about to happen by rushing over to "protect" ds as i think it is essential to both their social development and i think that it would be mean to act like he needed to be isolated from normal rough and tumble. Ds sometimes cries when they fall but after a quick cuddle is fine and either goes back to little boy to continue playing or wanders off. No harm done.
My question is am I doing things right? I apologise if I have not used the right terminology or if I come across as patronising. It is not my intention at all.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 31/01/2013 23:10

the right thing in letting your son playing with this boy ?of course you are your little son is ok if he has a tumble the boy likes him and doesn't mean to hurt him just be careful incase he doesn't know his own strength but apart from that you and your ds are seeing this little lad as just that a little boy the dad will be watch as well. toddlers dont break from a bit of rough and tumble

redandwhitesprinkles · 31/01/2013 23:11

I think you are doing brilliantly-they are both probably relieved at being treated as 'normal' with a bit of leeway with the rough and tumble.

Original poster

doorbellringer · 31/01/2013 23:26

mrsjay lol no of course I don't mean an I doing the right thing letting them play. There is absolutely no issue. Just am I handling everything right in general. I cannot emphasis enough I don't want to come across as patronising but just wondering if others with more experience would advise differently?

OP posts:

Original poster

doorbellringer · 31/01/2013 23:33

redandwhitesprinkles thank you.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 01/02/2013 09:40

. Just am I handling everything right in general. I cannot emphasis enough I don't want to come across as patronising but just wondering if others with more experience would advise differently?

of course you are doing it right

AllThatGlistens · 01/02/2013 09:48

As a mum of 2 disabled boys I love to read posts like this!

You are absolutely doing the right thing, obviously make sure your little one is safe (my 2.4 DS is incredibly tall and strong, towering over older children so I completely understand the strength issues) but its lovely to hear, I know my DH and I would love to just have 'normal' chats about everyday things without being made to feel uncomfortable by some parents.

'In general' I'd happily natter away to you if it were my DS and your little boy, you're doing just fine

AmberLeaf · 01/02/2013 09:48

Just talk to the Dad like you would any other parent at P&T group.

FightingForSurvival · 01/02/2013 09:52

Yes thank god there are some nice peeps in the world.

MrsWolowitzerables · 01/02/2013 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

doorbellringer · 01/02/2013 10:48

Thank you it means a lot

OP posts:

Original poster

doorbellringer · 08/02/2013 01:57

Sorry for dragging it back up and sounding insecure but I just really don't want to hurt the little boy or his dads feelings.

So, today my ds was playing with other little boy when my ds was running over to me to show me something. Other little boy intercepts him with a big hug and they both fall down. My ds crying in surprise so I pick him up for a cuddle and tell him "it's ok it was just x giving you a cuddle" (again I could predict the tumble but let it happen). Then other little boy comes over for a sorry cuddle. So I scooped him up on other knee and said "oh dear x is here to see you are ok let's have a three way cuddle" And we all cuddle, and I ruffle little boys hair and give him and my ds air kisses. Then they both get put down and go on their merry way. The leader looked pleased and relieved in equal measures. I am not trying to sound like a smug git or a saint or anything. I just think I did what most folk would do.
However my question is - will the leader not mind that I don't ask questions about his little boys' condition. Will he think I am uninterested- which is not the case, I just think he appreciates the non-questioning. Did I handle the bump and roll and say sorry situation ok. I didn't overwhelm the little boy just affectionately ruffled his hair to let him know it was ok.
Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 08/02/2013 02:35

I'm sorry to say it but this is beginning to sound smug & saintly. Yes it's bloody normal. No he won't mind FFS.

You're great, perfect & wonderful.

Original poster

doorbellringer · 08/02/2013 02:48

Thanks for that. Not my intention but ok if that's your perception.

OP posts:

somedayma · 08/02/2013 03:05

sorry but I agree with babies

why are you making such an issue of normal behaviour?

Icelollycraving · 08/02/2013 08:01

You are doing a nice thing. I'm sure the parent appreciates it.
You are beginning to sound a little saintly. Are you genuinely unsure of your behaviour?!

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 08/02/2013 08:07

You're doing fine. Dont overthink it.

CloudsAndTrees · 08/02/2013 08:21

Of course you are doing fine.

It's coming across as a bit smug and 'look at what a wonderful human being I am because I'm able to interact with a child who has SN' because SN or not, he's still just a child.

You do it need to over analyse every interaction you have, you will find out soon enough if you have done something you probably shouldn't have done. There isn't a right or wrong anyway, all children are different and need to be responded to differently, SN or not.

Catchingmockingbirds · 08/02/2013 08:28

I'm with babies here, you're making a big deal over nothing.

AnaisB · 08/02/2013 08:46

Just continue to act like a normal person.

justaboutchilledout · 08/02/2013 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adagio · 08/02/2013 10:20

Maybe I misunderstood? I thought Babies was trying to ask if its the right thing to do not to ask Dad/Leader about the disability, or if ignoring/not noticing it is ignorant (in a background/climate of very nice and normal interaction with the child)?

I have no idea by the way, I read this stuff to try and educate myself for when my one gets bigger - she is 7 weeks, and whilst I have and excellent arsenal of skills and toolkits for managing staff and projects, I don't currently have the same level of information/knowledge about kids!

Floggingmolly · 08/02/2013 10:24

What are the knowing looks exchanged between the other leaders? What do you think they're getting from your behaviour (which is perfectly fine)?

Original poster

doorbellringer · 08/02/2013 10:35

adagio that's exactly what I was trying to say/ask. You have got it spot on but I seem to gave said it in a clumsy way and been misunderstood so provoked the above reactions.

OP posts:

Casserole · 08/02/2013 10:41

For fuck's sake, people really will pick anything to shreds on here some days.

OP I think it sounds like you're doing just fine. I think with regard to asking / not asking - I'd probably just leave it. If it naturally comes up in conversation you could show interest but otherwise I think the dad is probably just relieved that there's one less person to worry about :)

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