To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

[Lowla]

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

What's to stop you/the carer from putting the cheque /cash in the office yourself?

Because the school's policy is for the children to take it themselves. That's what's stopping me.

Also, dd rarely has school dinners. this was a one off with the £10.

Lowla, you took out your frustrations on your dd because you had had a bad day!

But i didn't take my frustrations out on her...

I took them out on my keyboard when typing my OP, whilst dd was blissfully unaware in the next room.

I told dd off for 'embellishing' about her teacher, and i told her i was upset she lost her shoes.

Yes, even if i'd otherwise had a great day, i still would have told her off.

FWIW - telling off does not equal screaming.

Buzzard - that's actually really interesting. And fits in with dd.

The only time she says the full truth about something is when she's discussing past events i.e. a year plus ago.

Thanks very much.

littlemisssarcastic your comment about the OP only listening to those who stroke her furrowed brow is frankly a bit unfair. You're expecting someone who has already said she is extremely stressed to behave rationally. What I am trying to do here is be constructive and provide a clear path of action that the OP can follow without further stress. I think the OP is expressing some of her feelings (anger towards the posters who are angry at her) in a way that says to me "very very stressed and in need of calm, helpful guidance". When the OP is less stressed she might come back to this thread and see that it is possible to float above silly responses and discuss things calmly with criticizers who have a wpoint worth making. But for the moment, let's actually try to alleviate the stress, provide help to the OP and ultimately provide help to the OP's DD.
FWIW I have ranted on here in order to not rant in real life many times. i think a lot of people do it. Isn't that what it's for?

We've all had bad days, and surely the majority of children can be really difficult at times, never mind a child with an ASC. Her chronological age might be 5 but developmentally she is probably a quite a bit younger. My DS also has high functioning autism (which isn't "learning difficulty" Kiriwawa) and I have been frustrated beyond measure at the way he reacts to things. It's so difficult to know his motivation, and until I properly understand why he is behaving the way he is (all behaviour is communication, we have to look for the reason for the behaviour in order to change it) then I will struggle to know how best to deal with it.

I don't think taking away her DVDs when she tells a lie will help btw, you're just making a rod for your own back by potentially losing something you can use as a reward for the behaviour you want to encourage. Autism meddles with the person's ability to understand consequences for their actions, and unless you are perfectly certain she does understand a) exactly what a lie is, and b) why it is wrong to tell untruths and all the associated social reasons for lying, you're not going to have much success. I don't think it's likely she does truly understand, because those kind of concepts are very difficult for a child on the autistic spectrum to process, and she is very young - even an NT child of her age might struggle to genuinely get it.

I also agree that although school seem lovely to you, they really are not supporting her properly - they should be assessing and identifying the areas she struggles with, and devising strategies to help her manage. You are both struggling way too much, and they are leaving a lot to you and not looking for ways that accommodate your DD's difficulties. The palaver over the dinner money is an example of this - there is no room for this kind of rigidity where SNs are concerned, and frankly it's a system that will probably cause a lot of angst amongst a significant proportion of the parents. Because children DO lose things and DON'T understand the value of money.

I thought your DD sounds lovely by the way, even if your placatory butterfly picture had an ulterior motive...

(and OP sorry if that sounds patronising )

For the third time on this thread, DS SCHOOL HAS THE SAME POLICY AND HE IS ONLY IN RECEPTION, he has to take his £1.90 in, in cash every day, the children on the school bus also have to.

The school staff do not deal with lunch monies, the dinner ladies do.

I am horrified, DS is so little, but its school policy, and its annoying as hell.

My DS has some issues, they are behavioural, they are sodding hard work, I get angry at him, I try so hard not to - but there are days, when its all just too much, and his screaming and tantrumming is hard hard work.

I know its my problem and my fault, but still, we are all human, give the OP a break.

LovesGSD - that's what the office staff are there to do in the mornings at the beginning of term at our school(!)

Without giving any revealing details, where the heck do you lot live, where 5 year olds are held responsible for their own lunch-time finance? I think you should contact your MPs.

Hhear hear Anna

She is 5 and had ASD. You being totally unrealistic and totally unreasonable to be angry with her.

My 6 YO son (year 2) does not have any medical issues, just a bit scatty. I would not give him any lunch money, have to pay it straight to school or he'd lose. Any envelopes for school office I hand in himself. PE shoes always from M&S = £3.50 - they are velcro so if half a size just do up tighter.

He forgets his book bags every day unless I specifically remind him when I pick him up. He is wet as he forgot to go to the toilet. He leaves his snack on kitchen table so doesn't have that unless I take it to school. If I want to give a note to his teacher I email her as he would lose the note. He has lost his coat several times - I now ask friends with older children for handme downs so we have a couple on the go at any one time.

Don't buy new blazer - make an appointment with school senco to discuss now to help her.

Ok ur upset ur angry, Everyone has given advise n ways to help' but seriously u say shes been constantly reminded to check her stuff. How long has she been responsible for the 10pound every week before she lost it. Credit for that :)She lost her trainers u furiously went to asda, she doesnt care,if she did not care why would she be making you a picture to cheer u up & ur worry about how angry u are to recieve it, Money may be tight u only get one chance to make them all they can be, My 4yr loses things & finds them all the time thats life

Can't help being drawn back to this thread. I'm still finding it distressing. Sounds like OP is not coping well and DD is suffering as a result. Poor little thing.

MY DS isnt 5 - he is 4. Its really annoying, and it relys on him telling his teacher he is having hot dinners himself.

Anna1976 Maybe you are right, but no harm done. OP isn't even listening to my posts. You see, I am one of the posters who is distressed by this thread.

I'm sure OP will come back and reply to your post though Anna, since you are wanting to help the OP.

Personally, I am more concerned about her DD, and therefore OP wont have anything but defensive sarcasm to say to me.

It's all about the OP!! Boom boom!!

You are angry and frustrated to an insane degree and you need to get help for yourself before things get out of hand, because bad days happen, but we all have a choice as to how we deal with them, and you chose the wrong way today.

Your comments about your DD's 'lying' reveal you have no understanding whatsoever of children aged 5, let alone a child with ASD, and your comments about discipline/what scared her/throwing away her dvds reveal a similar ignorance of ASD children mixed in with some issue with anger management on your part.

Yes, i was angry that dd had lost her things again and didn't give a shit. This had added on to my already crappy day. And? I need help for having a bad day? If everyone went to their GP for have a rare crappy day, the doctors wouldn't have time to see genuine patients.
Stop being obtuse.
You have a problem and it is not your crappy day.

For your child's sake, please get the help you so obviously need.

Some other child took the money and kit either deliberately or by accident. Hopefully some parent out there will be honest and return it.

Littlemiss

Alienating the OP won't help her open her mind and challenge her thinking, which won't help her DD, which is what everyone wants. That's my view.

I took my DS to see a therapist, the therapist saw me and DH (Im not going to go into why, but its not because of how we were treating DS, but because as a family we were in a distressing situation.

The therapists logic was by supporting DH and I - that is how best to help DS.

Supporting the OP at this juncture, is how best to help her DD.

She knows she is stressed and no coping well.

Also re: the lying - I think that's fairly normal at that age - she doesn't mean to lie, more that's just how things appear to her. She probably forgot you gave her the money.

OP - people are trying to be supportive, but surely you can see that you have totally unrealistic expectations of a 5 year old, and you need to be sitting down with the class teacher/head teacher/SENCO at school to work out how they can help. If they can't then maybe its the wrong school.

eg I explained that DS always forgets his snacks and we have agreed that he can have a box of cheerios and some school bars in his tray. I always hand money and forms directly to office. On PE days, apart from in middle of winter send him in wearing shorts and t-shirt so he only has to change shoes. With DD send her age 5 in leggings under skirt so she only had to take skirt off. And thats without SN.

Jamie & Letme - hear hear.

To some extent, this is all about what we can do to help the OP so she can help herself and others to help her DD.

Giving the OP constructive new ways to think and act, so she sees how to move forward and isn't just reacting to frustration/ feeling trapped, is what is needed here. The strategies for getting help that she has mentioned up thread sound the right way of acquiring new ways to think.

No-one likes seeing a stressed (and quite possibly angry) parent not coping with a child's (quite possibly very annoying) behaviours. But the way forward isn't just to say "poor child, it's not her fault, you shouldn't be angry". It's "here's how you need to deal with it yourself, and here's how you explain things to the kid so the behaviours change".

But i didn't take my frustrations out on her...

You berated her all over Asda to the extent that you got dirty looks from people, and you also got a look from a woman whose trolley you moved. I have a certain mental picture of the sort of verbal harangue that went on. I have seen scenes like that when out shopping and they weren't pretty.
Can't tell a child you're upset. Can't insist a child looks for their shoes tomorrow. Can't tell a child to stop running away from you in case they get lost. Are these the things you were saying that turned heads?

And it would be impossible to be as angry as you have been to people on this thread and to vent about your DD yet cool as a cucumber in your living room. You said yourself that your child tried to write a letter of apology to you. It actually seemed to anger you a lot that she was 'blissfully unaware' in the other room and you were dreaming up ways to make her sit up and take notice of your anger, strategies like throwing away her dvds.

You've never felt like punching a wall? I never had until today either. Doubt i'll feel it again for a good while too. Feels as if i've finally released years of frustration.
Get help. This is not healthy and it is not normal.

Why have you bottled up years of frustration?

Op - I think some of the posts in reply to your thread are awful and very insensitive.

I think you're needing support. Your family are in denial about your DD's ASD and the school don't seem to be supporting you. It is only about 1.5 or so years since your DD was diagnosed. Emotionally you have a lot on your shoulders.

Perhaps before posting to the op people should think what it must be like to have to face up to your child having ASD and being pulled in the other direction by your family not believing it.

I would ask for the school to make exceptions for things like school dinner money. You need someone to share the burden and the school has a duty of care.

I wish you all the best op.

My DS is 10, and ASD and loses stuff constantly. I think he has had six pairs of glasses in 3 years. He left behind a £100 electric toothbrush when he went on a school trip, which we didn't get back.

He regularly comes home with one sock or no socks on.

It is what it is, he certainly doesn't do it deliberately.

Have you applied for DLA for your DD? It is quite obvious from what you say that there are costs that you have for her that, were she not disabled, you would not face - i.e. replacing all this kit.

Journey, its hard when your family dont believe there is anything wrong.

Anna1976 here's how you need to deal with it yourself, and here's how you explain things to the kid so the behaviours change".

I actually agree with you, but none of that is helpful if the OP doesn't even admit she needs help. If the OP cannot see that she has a problem, and just blames the child for the problems, progress will never be made.

The first part of solving a problem is to admit you have one. OP hasn't done that, and maybe that's why people are saying 'Poor child' etc etc, because all the OP keeps coming back with is the child is the problem, not her anger.

I think posters are quite reasonably trying to explain that the child is NOT the problem here.
How many posters have implored with the OP to get help? Many many posters have asked the OP to get help, directed the OP to the SN board, advised the OP to go to her GP etc etc etc yet she doesn't appear to think she has a problem at all and responds with sarcasm and defensiveness and at times, rudeness. If only her DD would do XYZ, everything would be just fine and dandy.

I agree that if the OP were to see that she has a problem, posters could explain how to deal with it. In fact, I have seen posters explaining how she could deal with the problems, which don't put the blame on the child, yet OP still comes back with sarcasm and defensiveness.

OP has been offered lots of advice and support on here, but the real issue is that OP doesn't think there is a problem with how she handles her DD's behaviours, she doesn't want advice, she only wanted to rant...and then continue doing what she's always done.

Very sad thread. Very sad indeed.

I am going to bed now. I hope OP gets some help, but until she admits (even to herself) that she has a problem, no one on this planet can help her, and ultimately, they then cannot help her to help her DD either.