To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

[Lowla]

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

I think the problem is that often when people post about feeling angry at their children they post because they are absolutely full of remorse and guilt at their reaction to a child, and are looking for advice and support on how better to respond to very normal (yet still irritating) behaviour from a child.

'Venting' suggests that on this and other occasions your DD has borne the brunt of some very raw feelings from you. I think that makes for very painful and distressing reading.

I hope you can manage to access some approriate help and support soon.

Have 4 kids and a TA in reception.

Fact.. All of mine lied/ imagined/

     All of mine lost jumpers, P.E kits etc 

      All of mine didn't understand the value of money or money stresses.

     All of mine wanted to please me.

As a reception class TA I get just the same NORMAL behaviour from the kids

You are expecting too much but by all means vent on here.

But don't blame your baby, she's 5....

Apologies bouncy.

I've seen so many posts before yours though accusing me of bullying that i jumped the gun a little.

Sorry, again!

Yep, i'm certain it's not other kids taking her stuff. DD just misplaces it.

I'm going to write in her SALT diary and ask to bring a meeting forward. The last learning plan i saw was back in September.

No, just an ordinary school. No fees. There aren't many TAs around here. The education budget has taken a hard hit though by our local council, so i guess it's to do with that.

I doubt they'll get one in just to help dd keep her eyes on her gym kit.

Lowla, are you from the US?

Also - how can you be sure that she is not being bullied? She would not tell you (is my guess) so how can you be so sure?

You forgive yourself everything and her nothing. This is not good enough, I suggest you seek help. Her behaviour is perfectly normal 5year old behaviour, yours is not. I can see you are stressed and disappointed with the child you have raised, why is harder for me to understand. Your behaviour is not what I recognise as a normal reaction and so I would urge you to find some help, and perhaps someone to talk through your rationalisation of this situation.

Thanks. Yes, dd is a major disappointment to me. Her behaviour - telling untruths with every breath she draws - is totally normal.

Yep, i'll get some help so i never feel angry with dd again. I realise now that a true mother always always always should be happy with her children. It is a maternal crime to be annoyed/angered by our little darlings.

Lowla, I would phone the school in the morning & make an appointment t with the teacher & SENCO.
Her constant lying must be of a concern to them too, & you could probably do with an Educational Psychologist' input.
A clear home / school diary should also help with a note written if DD hasn't had something in school. You will soon build up a relationship where they do believe you when you say you've sent it in etc.

The SN section of this site is amazing & you will get some good advice.

Yes - you def need help. Urgently.

I can't post on here any more as I am too upset by your horrible attitude to your little girl.

I hope for her sake that you do get help and soon.

Wanting to punch walls while crying and shaking with anger is not normal.

GET SOME HELP

Earlier you assured me that you had done proper research into your DDs disability, yet you clearly have no idea what you are dealing with or you would know that removing and destroying her possession is cruel and pointless. She will learn nothing positive from that

Your DDs behaviours are a product of her ASD and happen for well understood and documented reasons. Any proper research into theory of mind and executive function would teach you how her mind is struggling.

Get to know your child's disability, understand it, that is surely to key to understanding her, helping her, and supporting her.

Also I found having proper knowledge really helped me become much more patient. I suggest getting in touch with the NAS to see what parent training courses are available.

OP, you sound very disappointed in your daughter for things that aren't her fault. All five year olds make things up, that's just how their brains work - perhaps even more so with non-NT five year olds. You sound like you expect her to behave in way that would be more appropriate for, say, a 12 year old. When you think about it, it's a bit like expecting your 1 year old to do the washing up.
I completely understand your frustration, but some of the things you have said in relation to your daughter are, to be honest, quite cold and chilling.
Please speak to the school, seek rl support, punch a cushion, join the sen forum here...do whatever you need to so that you can enjoy your dd just as she is, with less stress to yourself.

She isn't from the US or at least doesn't live there now. We don't have councils for a start.

FOR FUCK SAKE GET SOME HELP, I have never felt like this about my kids the very fact you feel like this and think about your DD like this is horrible.

See? You've just yelled. Simple to do over the t'internet? Did you do that in real life though? When i was 'yelling' in my OP, i was physically silent.

You've never felt like punching a wall? I never had until today either. Doubt i'll feel it again for a good while too. Feels as if i've finally released years of frustration.

Yes, i was angry that dd had lost her things again and didn't give a shit. This had added on to my already crappy day.

And? I need help for having a bad day? If everyone went to their GP for have a rare crappy day, the doctors wouldn't have time to see genuine patients.

Your daughter sounds like she is creative and yes that she does embellish real life - but you choose to label her as a compulsive liar.

Had no idea what embellish meant up until Anna told me. I just call all non truths lies. Didn't realise there was another way of describing it. In future posts though i shall call them 'embellishments' though if that's nicer. Okay, dd embellished the other day. She said her teacher bit her! What an embellishment.

I don't think you could have been as calm as you think you were op if people were giving you evils in the supermarket

Yes, i was calm. Which is why i felt like ripping their heads off. They were obviously as precious as the majority of you. Can't tell a child you're upset. Can't insist a child looks for their shoes tomorrow. Can't tell a child to stop running away from you in case they get lost.

DS's school are introducing a smart tag system to try to reduce the lost property problem using labels from findmykit.com which might be worth suggesting.
A 5 year old is too young to manage cash for more than a few minutes at a time IMO.
Do you think that you (op) may have ASD as well? It might be worth discussing with your GP... She is very young and your reaction does seem rather intense.

OP, I understand the bit about your feelings when she gave you the picture and then expected to have the TV on. My DS, who has ASD, does this kind of thing all of the time. He will bring me a cup of tea and then say that of course he can now go out, or he will do something else nice then clearly expect some kind of payoff. It seems to us NTs to be very cold and calculating indeed. But that is just the way some people with ASD think. The rest of us probably do too, but we just don't make it quite so obvious!

He is 22 BTW, so we are used to his way of thinking now and actually find it quite amusing. As for the lying, could it be what I call an Autistic obsession? DS has done some pretty weird things over the years, obsessive use of words, repetition, interests and so on. Eventually he moves on to something else and then that starts to drive us mad.

I agree that the OP needs support and help.

But tbf I too have WANTED to punch walls. I've THOUGHT that my child was "bloody annoying" among other things. But I would never say that to him or actually punch anything. There's a difference.

Sorry if it's been said.

Please talk to her SALT about this. It's a communication issue. They can advise stategies for her.

At five years old she is little more than an infant. I cannot believe that any mother would speak of her child in such terms.

So cold and angry towards a little girl and still doesn't seem to realise or accept that it's not a normal reaction.

There's no point in repeating what others have said before me, much more eloquently than I could.

I'm chilled by this thread.

Flabbergasted actually.

I do have a lot of sympathy, OP. more than once in the years with our DS I have found myself at the end of my tether and am ashamed of some of the things I have done. The stress can be unbearable. Once I found myself sitting on the stairs banging my head against a wall

OP, you said in your title you were 'bloody furious' and 'on the verge of tears'. That is not a normal response to what's happened. WHY post on here if you aren't listening to anyone?

What exactly is normal? If everyone was normal, we'd be flippin' robots. I haven't cried in over two years (until today). Is that normal? Emotions are unique to their owner.

The fact i was so furious and on the verge of tears was because i'd had a shit day at work, and then discovered dd had yet again lost stuff, 'embellished' to the teacher, and the teacher seemed to think i was the one who misplaced the items.

I was stressed by many things today. Final straw on the camel's back and all that.

And i've listened to everyone! (except the strange people who are distressed by my thread...). I've taken lots of advice on board. I've admitted several times i was being unreasonable too.

Not my fault if people won't/can't read that.

Oh OP. you sound very defensive and dismissive of what people are saying. I doubt you can have been that calm if people in the supermarket were looking. I don't mean you were a raging loony, but you were clearly not 'calm'.

The language you've used is very angry, and very defensive. It sounds to me like you have got virtually no support at all in RL. You seem SO concerned about other peoples perceptions and worried about judgement, and that is turning to anger.

Are there any groups or anything nearby where you could get some support?

OP - just wanted to say - myself and my parents with ASD have all driven me shake and cry with anger and to feel like punching walls at times. I understand the frustration. It must be even worse for you because you're the only adult in this situation, you've got all the responsibility on your shoulders.

You sound like you need help - you sound stressed and worried, and you're expressing that on here in a way that suggests that if people say dumb or offensive things, this will stress you further rather than you being able to float above it. Many people will get worried by a lone parent expressing the sort of frustration you've expressed. The real question is what you do about it. You're on the path to doing the right things.

I think your suggestion of a SALT discussion and asking for a referral to the Ed Psych sounds like a really good idea. Keep in mind that not every psych is a good fit to a particular situation, so if the school's one doesn't seem to be helping much, then try another avenue. The NAS can be extremely helpful - get involved with them if you can. I think you could probably do with seeing your GP to discuss the stress of your situation - not necessarily asking for a particular referral or whatever if you don't want to (though GP can probably refer to a psych to help with the "untruths"), but talking through the options for help and what the triggers should be for asking for help via the GP.

Good luck

I'm really sorry, but I have NEVER heard of a school where they expect the 5yo's to bring the dinner money in. I just don't believe this thread.Sorry OP.