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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DH to be more involved in family life?

26 replies

BarcelonaBabes · 31/01/2013 17:29

I am a SAHM. DH works full time. At the moment DH:

Works Monday-Friday
Does sport on a Saturday all day, and sometimes takes a day off work in the week to do it too.
Sits watching sport or occasionally does some DIY, which gets left unfinished, on a Sunday.
He occasionally will bath our two year old but then just leaves him running around and doesn't put him to bed, and he just goes off and watches television. He won't bath our older child and says she's old enough to do it herself
He occasionally will empty the dishwasher or put a little bit of washing away, but not very often, maybe once a week.

I do:

Housework
Laundry (wash, dry, iron if necessary, put away)
Meal planning
cooking
food shopping
clearing up after meals
tidying up after everyone
Helping eldest with homework
Sorting school things for eldest, packed lunches, uniform and all that jazz
looking after the pets
Ferrying the kids around

I am fed up with feeling like a single parent. He won't even offer any input about what we could have for tea that night. I feel stuck in a rut and all I ever seem to do is domestic things, I never have any fun as there's always so much to be done. AIBU to want him to be more involved?

OP posts:
PoppyWearer · 31/01/2013 17:48

YANBU. My DH used to be like this but "unfortunately" his sporting career was ended prematurely by injury just before we had DC2.

I still don't see him during the week, but weekends are better! Grin

Pray to the God of non-serious sporting injuries?

Original poster
BarcelonaBabes · 31/01/2013 17:54

It's getting to be a deal breaker for me. He knows that tonight DD has an activity that finishes at 7.30 and that I prefer DS to be in bed before that so I need him to be home so he can either stay with DS or do the picking up. However he's phoned me to say he is playing sport tonight now straight from work, which means I have to keep DS up, drag him out in the car to pick up DD. I said it's not convenient and I need him home tonight but he said he's still doing his sport.

OP posts:
brainonastick · 31/01/2013 17:59

Of course yanbu. Why have you let him get away with this until now?

Original poster
BarcelonaBabes · 31/01/2013 18:01

It's gradually crept up on us really; he's always done sport so has always carried on doing it as he says he's always done it. He used to do a bit more around the house when DD was younger and did more with her but now he just sees the kids as my job. He won't even do a jigsaw with the youngest or help her with her homework.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 31/01/2013 18:01

You both need to read this.

Original poster
BarcelonaBabes · 31/01/2013 18:01

that should have said or help DD with her homework

OP posts:
Yfronts · 31/01/2013 18:04

Weekends and after work should be shared 50 50 responsibility/jobs/kids/free time wise. That what we do anyway. He needs time with the kids and to give me a break. I need some respite too.

Original poster
BarcelonaBabes · 31/01/2013 18:05

I just feel like I never get to sit down. DS currently eating tea then I've got to bath him, clear up kitchen, sort washing, get DD, put DS to bed, bath DD, get her to bed, sort things for tomorrow, do a load of ironing, put it away. I feel so tired today and it makes me depressed every evening knowing I won't get to sit down for hours.

OP posts:
grobagsforever · 31/01/2013 18:08

Yes, so on Sunday you just leave him with the kids for the whole day. That's fair. But you won't will you?

Original poster
BarcelonaBabes · 31/01/2013 18:13

the issue with that is that I would get home and have to do a whole day's worth of housework and get everything ready for the following day. It wouldn't occur to him to sort the uniform for DD or to go and do a food shop

OP posts:
AngelaCatalano · 31/01/2013 18:13

Wow, YANBU at all! I agree with pp- evenings/weekends all housework and kids stuff should be split 50/50. This is what we do and we also make sure we both get a break at weekends.

Have you really told your husband how unhappy you are and how unfair this is?

Original poster
BarcelonaBabes · 31/01/2013 18:16

Yes I keep telling him but he genuinely thinks things are ok as they are and says he doesn't understand why I feel fed up, and that that is how things are and he's not changing.

OP posts:
Jambonfrites · 31/01/2013 18:25

YANBU at all. Your DH needs to pull his weight at home.

What about changing the situation to force him to do this? I.e. if you start working and/or take up a hobby of your own, he will just have to do more for the kids himself. I get what you're saying about how you'll have more catching up with housework etc to do after but I think this might get easier over time as your DH starts to learn what needs doing and how things work.

These situations drive me crazy. Some men are either phenomenally selfish and lazy or they seem to think women actually enjoy domestic drudgery. You've got to make it crystal clear that the situation is unfair and must change. Good luck.

grobagsforever · 31/01/2013 18:46

Leave him a list?

StuntGirl · 31/01/2013 18:49

He sounds like an absolute tool tbh. If he cannot see that your days are ridiculously skewed then I don't know what to suggest.

LessMissAbs · 31/01/2013 18:50

I think thats what hes got you for. ie you are there to do all the family stuff, he works, he gets to do his sports uninterrupted. I don't think its right or fair at all, but I suspect thats how he sees it. I think its hard to change this mindset.

I say this as someone who does a sport very seriously myself, and noticed how theres a split between men with partners that share their interest and those that don't. I couldn't understand it at first, since DH and I love doing things together, but now I think its a deliberate choice so they can do their sport and not worry about the family thing.

Sorry, not much use. I be pissed if I were you.

grobagsforever · 31/01/2013 18:50

A job outside the home is a good idea. Just in case this man doesn't change. Do you have full access to money etc?

exoticfruits · 31/01/2013 19:05

Get a calendar and put down things that you want to do-make it clear he will have to be at home to cover. Announce that you are going out for a day with a friend and do it.

brainonastick · 31/01/2013 19:35

What, exactly, is he bringing to your relationship at the moment?

Money aside, it doesn't sound like he offers you practical or moral support. He isn't listening to you, he is taking you for granted, and it is clear he doesn't respect you. He does, however, leave with a shit load of extra cooking and clearing up to do.

Basically, what is the point of him?

Dahlen · 31/01/2013 20:37

Lots of marriages end up falling into this trap after children, without either partner being an abusive twat, but simply following traditional roles without thinking about the fairness involved. It's easy and culturally reinforced and normal. However, it's also dreadfully unfair and once attention has been drawn to it, a decent man stops taking advantage in this way. If he doesn't, he isn't a decent man.

Sometimes it can help to simply bugger off for a couple of weeks, but it needs to be this long, minimum, to make the point - a weekend won't cut it. It has to take in enough time for shopping to run out, bed sheets to need changing, washing to backpile, clothes to need ironing, and things to start generally falling apart. Some people really don't get how much unseen work is involved in keeping domestic harmony if they've never taken responsibility for it. Telling them doesn't work; they have to experience the sharp end of it.

IF that doesn't work, however, he's never going to change so you'll need to decide whether you can put up with it or dump his sorry arse for someone less selfish.

marriedinwhite · 31/01/2013 20:46

I'm going against the grain here. I had eight years at home with the children and had a workaholic husband who went to all footie home games. The housework and children were much much easier than my previous job. I'm not really sure why you feel so hard done by. The housework used to take me about 45 minutes a day; I shopped once a week and turned it into an outing and had ds chopping mushrooms with a blunt knife when he was two. Also loved the park and the toddler mornings and the freedom I had to organise just me and two small children.

They were probably my happiest, easiest years. I went back to work when dd started school and I got bored.

waterrat · 31/01/2013 20:52

married - she feels hard done by because her partner has an awful lot of relaxation / down time - and she has none! He is not interested in how tired she is or how much work she is doing - she is working a 24 hour day as a parent while he is clocking off from family life all the time.

This isn't really about division of housework - it sounds like he is not interested in being a father either - that is horrible.

to be honest OP I'm not sure what you want people to say here - you aren't happy, he doesn't care how you all feel and he isn't being a good father - so you need to give him an ultimatum. It sounds as though he isn't interested in whether or not you are happy - and you have to ask yourself if that is really what a loving relationship is about.

and also - where is the love/ affection time between the two of you?

It sounds like he has completely dropped out of your family except for when it suits him.

Babybirdz · 31/01/2013 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babybirdz · 31/01/2013 21:33

I can relate to what your saying. I'm also a SAHM , do everything you listed above, but also included in my list is i deal with the bills, paperwork, I plan what we do on DH day off, do all the cleanIng. The only thing he does is put the bin out, clean my car and of course earn a good wage working long hours. I do feel a sense of responsibility to do all these tasks as he is the provider but do wish he would have some input. Looking at the house, you wouldn't know he even lived here, I choose the decor and there is no sign of him apart from his wardrobe and his car parked outside. I do empathise with you.

hillyhilly · 31/01/2013 21:33

I empathise, and can add that as your kids get older, it will get easier as they will get easier. I have a fair bit of time during the day now ( kids are 5&7), I play badminton, go to the gym, meet friends, I have a lot of freedom and control over what I do, and this is the upside.
That said, he is not listening to you and not being involved with your family, he needs to think about whether he wants to be part of the family. Is it ultimatum time?

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