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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty that my usually happy and bouncy 5 year old dd is crying hysterically because I followed through on disciplin

78 replies

pingu2209 · 30/01/2013 17:35

My dd is 5. Bright and bubbly and happy and bouncy, just adorable; usually.

Today I gave her a meal she usually loves to eat but she refused. It was bloody mindedness brought about due to tiredness. She is tired as her brother has been up 2 nights on the trot with a temperature and woken the whole house.

I said that if she didn't eat her meal I would not let her go to her after school club (that started at 5). It is her only after school activity, other than swimming. However, we didn't go swimming yesterday as her brother is ill.

She refused to eat it.

So she hasn't gone to her after school activity.

She is hysterical. Crying till she has running snot and a red blotchy face. Her whole body is shaking and she is pleading with me to go.

I feel terrible. I know she is tired. She may well be going down with whatever her brother has, but I can't bare to see her like this.

I feel so guilty. It is now too late to take her. I think I may have made the wrong choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
pingu2209 · 30/01/2013 17:36

I'm in another room typing this rather than watch her. I think I will cry with her.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 30/01/2013 17:39

I don't think you made the wrong choice as she's too tired to eat so she must be too tired for the activity as well.

I would have explained it to her like that tbh.

CarriedAwayAnnie · 30/01/2013 17:39

YANBU to follow through on a punishment. What's the point of a warning if you do not follow through?

YABVU to punish a child for not eating their dinner IMO.

I would have stopped her going to the club because she is over tired and possibly ill. I would have explained this to her and told her it's not because she has done anything wrong - because in my eyes she hasn't.

Itsjustafleshwound · 30/01/2013 17:39

Relax - you did the right thing about following through with you said. She was given a choice and she chose not to do it.

DeWe · 30/01/2013 17:40

Well, I don't think you made the wrong choice.

If she's tired then an evening off and not going out again is probably a good thing.

And it's not an unreasonable response to not eating her meal.

And if you hadn't carried through then she might likely call your bluff at a time it matters.

Go and give her a cuddle. Tell her you're sad she had to miss it too. And would she like to eat her meal now, and then you'll together.

Lighthousekeeping · 30/01/2013 17:41

Was it such a big deal not to eat her tea? She probably is coming die with what her brother has. Still, it's done now. I feel for you all!! What are your plans now? I'm no good at punishments I must admit.

mangohedgehog · 30/01/2013 17:41

Oh dear :-( poor you. If she's as tired as you say then the hysterical tears are probably because of that. I wouldn't have felt comfortable letting her go knowing she was tired and hadn't eaten.

She'll forget all about it tomorrow and there's always next weeks club.

MumOfTheMoos · 30/01/2013 17:41

I don't know if not going to after school club was too harsh or not (no experience of it)but I do know that having set out the criteria for how she gets to go (eating her dinner) that you were absolutely right to follow through - completely and utterly right.

Life is tough when you're 5 (and when you have an upset 5 year old) - perhaps you can do something nice with her after she's calmed down?

I feel for you - but you had to follow through...

Mooycow · 30/01/2013 17:41

Even if you are now thinking it was wrong to stop her from attending an activity, you are right to follow through with the punishment,
Next time make it a more simple punishment ie" if you dont eat xyz you will not get anything else". then you will not feel guilty later.
look back at the event and you will see that big things are really only little things made bigger

RobotLover68 · 30/01/2013 17:42

sorry, I don't see the connection between eating dinner and after school club - how is that a fair punishment? If she is going to be ill then why would you force a dinner on her? If she's not ill then take the dinner away and tell her there is nothing else. A couple of hours later if she's complaining of being hungry then offer her something basic like a cheese sandwich.

YABU

usualsuspect · 30/01/2013 17:43

I think you made the wrong decision TBH.

Maybe she wasn't hungry?

Bossybritches22 · 30/01/2013 17:44

Hmmm maybe not a battle to pick when she's tired, but yes you were right to follow through on the threat or she won't take you seriously.

Maybe tell her when she's calms down you'll do her some hot milk /insert fav bedtime drink here & she can have a nice bath & an early night, as she's obviosuly SOOOOO tired. (& maybe say you are too so she knows its Ok to admit to)

Won't hurt her to miss a meal, but maybe think of another way round the eating for future so meals don't become a battle ground for you both.

'Tis hard , especially when YOU are tired from little'uns broken nights.

Have an un-mumsnetty Hug Grin

FlouncingMintyy · 30/01/2013 17:44

I think you were bu to punish her, sorry. You say she usually loves the meal ... so if she didn't eat it today, why weren't you worried about her rather than cross with her? One missed meal does not deserve punishment or discipline, imvho.

MrsMushroom · 30/01/2013 17:44

I agree with usual not eating food should never, ever be part of punishment. She may not have felt like it...or she may be under the weather. Haven't you ever felt like you can't face a meal?

ShephardsDelight · 30/01/2013 17:45

I really disagree with punishing children for not eating tea , just be strict on no crap if no meal.

Hullygully · 30/01/2013 17:48

Weird.

Would you eat if someone threatened to stop you going to Book Club/whatever?

If she doesn't want to eat, fine, she can have a sandwich later.

Itsjustafleshwound · 30/01/2013 17:49

For god sake - the op didn't ask for a judgement as to why she punished but more the guilt because she followed through on the punishment.

Does anyone actually read the question?

McNewPants2013 · 30/01/2013 17:50

I think you made a mistake here, but we are only human and do make mistakes from time to time.

Hope you all get some sleep soon

MrsMushroom · 30/01/2013 17:50

flesh the answers are related to her actions.

MrsMushroom · 30/01/2013 17:51

In which case she is not being unreasonable to feel guilty because she's made a bad judgement. She should feel guilty.

Bakingtins · 30/01/2013 17:51

I think you were right to follow through on what you said. How will she ever take you seriously otherwise?
Battle and consequences picked wisely? Not so much this time.

Hullygully · 30/01/2013 17:52

The guilt was BECAUSE the punishment was mad.

So discussion of the punishment is entirely germane.

Can some people not make a simple logical connection?

Andro · 30/01/2013 17:53

Punishing refusal to eat by anything other than not allowing dessert/snacks etc is unreasonable in my opinion...especially when you think it's because she was tired (not her fault!).

I really think you made the wrong choice here.

SirBoobAlot · 30/01/2013 17:54

Punishing a child for not eating their dinner is just setting the founding stones for causing problems with food.

Pick your battles.

Food really shouldn't be one of them.

MrsMushroom · 30/01/2013 17:54

Hully I don't even know what germane means. So...possibly not.