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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty that my usually happy and bouncy 5 year old dd is crying hysterically because I followed through on disciplin

78 replies

pingu2209 · 30/01/2013 17:35

My dd is 5. Bright and bubbly and happy and bouncy, just adorable; usually.

Today I gave her a meal she usually loves to eat but she refused. It was bloody mindedness brought about due to tiredness. She is tired as her brother has been up 2 nights on the trot with a temperature and woken the whole house.

I said that if she didn't eat her meal I would not let her go to her after school club (that started at 5). It is her only after school activity, other than swimming. However, we didn't go swimming yesterday as her brother is ill.

She refused to eat it.

So she hasn't gone to her after school activity.

She is hysterical. Crying till she has running snot and a red blotchy face. Her whole body is shaking and she is pleading with me to go.

I feel terrible. I know she is tired. She may well be going down with whatever her brother has, but I can't bare to see her like this.

I feel so guilty. It is now too late to take her. I think I may have made the wrong choice.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 30/01/2013 21:29

Kiss and a cuddle and happy that the cat is asleep on her bed with her.

Tomorrow is a new day we all have done something we regret under pressure and you did follow through with what you said, I know punishing for not eating is frowned upon but sometimes needs must,

Fakebook · 30/01/2013 21:58

When I read things like this I feel like a really really bad mother because I don't enforce meals on my dd. If she refuses to eat, I just let her. We don't have junk food in the house, so I know she won't fill up on anything else. In my warped mind, you eat food to enjoy it. If she's not enjoying a meal, then there's no point in her eating; I might aswell drip feed her if I don't want her to enjoy. Hmm. Maybe I'm wrong.

InNeedOfBrandy · 30/01/2013 22:05

Hmm I do make my dc eat, I had a very fussy dd and so my rule is (in my head I'm not stupid enough for them to know it) if it doesn't make them gag they have to eat it. Doesn't have to the whole plate and half will do but will be saved so if they want pudding/snack later I bring out the plate.

DS once refused to eat his mash, he loves mash but wanted rice and tantrumed over it. He ended up eating the mash for breakfast as I was not going to let him have anything else until the mash was ate.

But in your situation OP I wouldn't of made dd eat as I would of assumed she was coming down with the bug your ds has. Wouldn't of sent her to after school club either as if she was to tired to eat she was to tired to go out. Agree with suggestion up thread that you read her a book or something.

littlewhitebag · 30/01/2013 22:13

We are not all perfect parents all the time and stressy situations can arise out of no-where. Whether you were right or wrong to impose this punishment is immaterial and there is no point beating yourself up about it. Tomorrow is another day. Move on and don't worry about it. Your child is very unlikely to hold it against you.

MrsMushroom · 30/01/2013 22:17

Brandy I don't think it's healthy to do that. There's nothing wrong with discouraging waste of course...and nothing wrng with refusing to cook a 2nd choice...but making them eat? Not good. Most DC self regulate in terms of food....and what's the problem if they're not hungry and don't want the meal?

Why not take it away? You don't make yourself eat I'm sure.

pictish · 30/01/2013 22:27

I mean this kindly.

  1. I don't think it's right to force anyone (including kids) to eat something they don't want. So she didn't fancy it? Will the sun fall from the sky and pitch us all into eternal darkness? No. She didn't want it. So what? If she normally eats well, then treat her as you would anyone else including yourself, and let it slide.
  1. The punishment well outweighed the crime. She wasn't crying because she was tired, she was crying because it sucks.

Don't get into food battles with your daughter. She sounds lovely. Food battles are for the highly strung. Don't be one of those people.

Good luck!

PenelopePipPop · 30/01/2013 22:29

YANBU to feel guilty that your DD was upset. Maybe you were a bit U to get grouchy about eating dinner if this is not what you usually do but you were tired and so was she and shit happens. I do things like this all the time. She is OK and asleep. You are OK. Tomorrow is another day.

YABVVVVVU to post this in AIBU. You big daftie.

pictish · 30/01/2013 22:31

Or what Penelope said right there.
That.

Greensleeves · 30/01/2013 22:39

OP I think it wasn't ideal but it wasn't the worst thing in the world either - you are as tired as she is, you have been dealing with a sick littlie all night. You are not a machine. She knows you love her, she will be fine - and it probably would have ended in a meltdown one way or another if you had taken her to the activity anyway. Do not beat yourself up about this any more.

Can I just say as a aside though - not to OP specifically - I REALLY disagree with this idea that a parent must always "follow through" however insane the threat, because otherwise the child won't take you seriously! IMO children aren't stupid, it can actually be a good thing to model climbing down and eve apologising when you are in the wrong. I have done it and I don't have any trouble getting my children to take me seriously when I really mean it. Children aren't dogs and they aren't the enemy. It's a huma relationship and it's OK to lose a bit of face sometimes in the interest of being fair.

SanityClause · 30/01/2013 22:51

I think it was a bizarre thing to say. What does eating have to do with going to a club? Why should she eat dinner, if she's not hungry?

Fair enough to say, nothing more to eat, until we get back home, if you don't eat that.

Also, why does it have to be a battle of wills?

You didn't realise how strongly she felt about going to the club, until she became so distressed. So, why not tell her that, and get her to calm down, then let her go?

Dominodonkey · 30/01/2013 23:22

"You didn't realise how strongly she felt about going to the club, until she became so distressed. So, why not tell her that, and get her to calm down, then let her go?"

So if she cries a lot you back down? You must be joking.

YANBU OP - She was clearly too tired and ill to go out so the right result happened even if the way you got there wasn't the best.

DumSpiroSpero · 30/01/2013 23:34

What thebody said.

FWIW I had a blazing row with my 8yo DD over pyjamas this evening which reduced her to tears Blush Sad. All sorted with a bedtime story & lots of cuddles.

Dh & I have had various lurgies in relay all month & am sure it's only a mater of time before she goes down with it.

We all have crappy days - try and take it easy for the next few days & have lots of snuggles with both DC's until you are all feeling a bit perkier.

MerryCouthyMows · 31/01/2013 01:36

If my DC's don't want their dinner, for ANY reason, they are warned that if they don't eat their dinner, there will be no more food until breakfast time. If they still decide not to eat it, then they know that if they complain if hunger 30 minutes later, they will get a shrug of the shoulders and told that they knew that if they were not going to eat their dinner, no more food would be offered.

If they are still complaining about hunger, I offer to heat up their leftovers. Sometimes (usually when they have secretly hoped to wangle something they prefer the taste of out of me never gonna work ) they will give up and truly eat it, if genuinely hungry, sometimes they won't (if just testing boundaries).

I don't sweat the small stuff. And battling over food IS the small stuff.

But I agree that once you had set the punishment, you had to go through with it.

MerryCouthyMows · 31/01/2013 01:38

And the moral of that is - make the punishment for the crime. It would have been infinitely more sensible of me to threaten to TAKE the brolly away than to throw it in the bin...

Morloth · 31/01/2013 03:35

Yeah, the punishment didn't fit the crime - totally disconnected.

The consequence of not eating your dinner is being hungry, it happens and isn't a problem.

There isn't a parent in the world who doesn't fuck it up sometimes though, don't sweat it! Grin

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/01/2013 04:10

My only issue with this was I'm in another room typing this rather than watch her. It seemed so sad.

I have had this sort of meltdown over food once, and it was also because mine was tired. I can't even remember what the punishment was; we don't usually 'punish' for not eating dinner, but I think this was more that she'd been taking the piss, not eating dinner and then asking for food an hour later, so DH snapped and said 'fine, don't eat it but then you're clearly so tired that you have to go straight to bed tonight without stories' or something of that ilk. And she lost it, completely lost it, sobbing and begging me to let her eat her broccoli soup after all. And I was all "am I seriously now preventing my child from eating broccoli soup?" but she was just irrational, not really hungry, I don't know, blah.

I put her to bed, crawled in with her and hugged her, and she was out cold within five minutes. Like your DD, it was about tiredness, not the actual punishment.

kimorama · 31/01/2013 13:02

I agree with SirBoob, not eating is the wrong battle.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/01/2013 14:01

I personally wouldn't punish my DS for not eating his dinner. Ok, don't offer anything else but I wouldn't ban him from an activity.

Never turn food into a battle, you are asking for trouble in later life IMO

peeriebear · 31/01/2013 14:11

I do the same as Couthy- if they don't want to eat it that's fine, but they don't get anything else until breakfast (obviously I'm talking about evening meal!)
With DD2 I also have to say that if she walks away from her dinner she isn't allowed on her DS, as she would quite happily never eat again if it meant she could sit and play Legend of Zelda!
Brandy... DH's mum used to do that to him (bringing out the same meal until he ate it) he rarely speaks to his mum now, yes it was one of a number of bad choices on her part but it made a big impact on him. Not recommended.

Pandemoniaa · 31/01/2013 14:15

And the moral of that is - make the punishment for the crime. It would have been infinitely more sensible of me to threaten to TAKE the brolly away than to throw it in the bin...

Been there. ds2 still reminds me (aged 30!!) of the day that I took away and threw into a bin, his light sabre for a similar offence to your dd's Bob The Builder Umbrella Outrage.

I also realised that the consequences of my deeply irritated actions left me dealing with a greater problem than the initial behaviour had caused. But these things happen and I did learn from this incident. What I hadn't realised was that it would result in an apparently lifelong guilt trip!

amicissimma · 31/01/2013 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay · 31/01/2013 14:22

you will reap the benefit when you are dealing with a 15-year-old drama queen!

InNeedOfBrandy · 31/01/2013 16:01

Well I don't need your recommendation thank you Hmm I would of asked for it if I did. No need for projection your husband is not my ds.

LaQueen · 31/01/2013 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 31/01/2013 16:24

Yabu. I really don't think you should punish a child for not eating. That is really not going to encourage a good relationship with food.

She might not have eaten because she feels ill, so why on earth would you punish her for that.

And missing her club i feel is overly harsh. It really is her choice to not put something in her mouth if she doesn't feel like it. You shouldn't force that.

She's now going to think that not eating just because you don't feel like it is the worst thing in the world.

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