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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty that my usually happy and bouncy 5 year old dd is crying hysterically because I followed through on disciplin

78 replies

pingu2209 · 30/01/2013 17:35

My dd is 5. Bright and bubbly and happy and bouncy, just adorable; usually.

Today I gave her a meal she usually loves to eat but she refused. It was bloody mindedness brought about due to tiredness. She is tired as her brother has been up 2 nights on the trot with a temperature and woken the whole house.

I said that if she didn't eat her meal I would not let her go to her after school club (that started at 5). It is her only after school activity, other than swimming. However, we didn't go swimming yesterday as her brother is ill.

She refused to eat it.

So she hasn't gone to her after school activity.

She is hysterical. Crying till she has running snot and a red blotchy face. Her whole body is shaking and she is pleading with me to go.

I feel terrible. I know she is tired. She may well be going down with whatever her brother has, but I can't bare to see her like this.

I feel so guilty. It is now too late to take her. I think I may have made the wrong choice.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 30/01/2013 17:56

yabu a bit because the punishment was out of proportion. However you are all tired and we all get it wrong sometimes. Go and give her a cuddle and say sorry, it'll all be forgotten about by tomorrow.

Viewofthehills · 30/01/2013 17:58

You were right to follow through. Sometimes they have to learn that you mean what you say. And when they are generally good it doesn't happen that often so it feels like a calamity at the time.
Agree with bossy: make the rest of the evening lovely with a warm drink and an early night. Have a nice snuggle and a story and a chat. You can say you're sorry she's upset, but NOT that you're sorry you didn't let her go. Perhaps she is getting poorly, perhaps she feels in need of a bit of attention. Either way a nice quiet time can't fail to help.

Itsjustafleshwound · 30/01/2013 18:03

Perhaps the unsuitability of the punishment was tacitly acknowledged - the question being would you still continue with threat ...

Hands up we have all picked the wrong battles .... Being told you are giving your 5yo problems with food is extreme ...

KellyMarieTunstall · 30/01/2013 18:04

If the whole house was up for 2 nights on the trot then no doubt you are overtired too.

Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you might have played it better if you were well rested and not coping with a sick child .

At least she knows you means what you say even if it isnt needed frequently.

Kalisi · 30/01/2013 18:06

Yabu for threatening such a drastic punishment for not eating dinner. However it's done now and you couldn't back out once you said it.
Don't beat yourself up about it though OP, she'll get over it and you will learn for next time to keep things in proportion. It's no biggie just go and give her a cuddle, we've all made bad decisions in the heat of the moment.

mrsjay · 30/01/2013 18:07

If she is to tired to eat she is far to tired for swimming she will cope honestly you followed through it is ok ime not going to an activity isn't the end of the world ,

StuntGirl · 30/01/2013 18:07

You shouldn't have punished her for not eating. Explaining that she is too ill/tired to go would have been better. She obviously IS too tired and possibly ill to go, so it was the truth.

But YWNBU to follow through the punishment. What's the point if saying it if you're not going to follow through? Ignore her hysterics and pick a better option next time.

Cat98 · 30/01/2013 18:08

Sorry, I agree that not eating should not be punished (apart from not allowing snacks/treats).
Still it's done now and I wouldn't worry. We are all human and make error of judgement!

Pandemoniaa · 30/01/2013 18:12

I don't believe in punishments for not eating either but don't beat yourself up, OP. You are all tired, your made a judgement call on the spur of the moment and clearly, you'd never expected to get such a dramatic reaction from it. But it's not unreasonable to follow through on a punishment either. So just put this behind you, give her a cuddle and have some quiet time. Tomorrow is another day and all that.

KitchenandJumble · 30/01/2013 18:19

I don't believe in punishing a child for not eating. I also don't like the approach of "you have to eat two bites of this and three bites of that" or withholding a certain item until the child has eaten something else. It just turns the dinner table into a huge battleground and doesn't help children at all, really, in the long run (in my opinion).

So I don't see why you couldn't offer your DD something else to eat, especially if she is over-tired and may be coming down with something. I think canceling the activity was probably the right call, not as a punishment but because she's exhausted.

We all make mistakes, and I don't think we should follow through with punishments just so we can claim "consistency." You know what they say about a foolish consistency. So give your DD a cuddle, have some toast and cocoa together, and make it an early night for everyone. I'm sure you're exhausted too. Take care of yourself.

ClaimedByMe · 30/01/2013 18:21

She is probably coming down with what her brother has as shes behaving out of sorts.

CailinDana · 30/01/2013 18:29

You knew she was tired, and could be ill, so punishing her for not eating food wasn't a great decision.

Go and cuddle her.

Spend a bit of time thinking about situations where punishments are warranted and what punishments you might use.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 30/01/2013 18:29

Well she didn't really calm down totally, but she really was tired, so I put her to bed at 6.15. Very early for her, normally it is 7-7.30.

Kiss and a cuddle and happy that the cat is asleep on her bed with her.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/01/2013 18:30

If you think she's coming down with something/tired, then not going to the club was something for discussion, not punishment.

And if she didn't want her tea, either at that time or at all, then fine - she's not hungry.
Either save it for later if possible, or offer something like toast and milk or a sandwich if she's hungry later. If she usually likes it then chances are she's not playing up.

Food eating/not eating should not be 'punished' like that.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/01/2013 18:32

You had no choice but to follow through and if her reaction is so strong then she was probably too tired for the activity anyway. Give her a cuddle and agree something fun to do.

If my children don't eat their meal I just tell them that I will put it in the kitchen and if they tell me they are hungry later they can have it back (rather than some "treat" they were hoping for). DS2 has surprised me before now by happily eating his dinner in his pyjamas as he just wasn't hungry when I served it up but was hungry an hour later.

thebody · 30/01/2013 18:40

Both go to bed as both of you are probably knackered and maybe going down with the bug.

Tomorrow is another day. Move on.

Posters criticising you are obviously Mary poppins types of course!?

5 is your lovely age for a dd.

She will survive this tantrum punishment dinner gate etc and so will you.

Save angst for teen years, don't stress now save your energy until she is 14.

Oh and have a glass.. You sound like you need/deserve it.

SamSmalaidh · 30/01/2013 18:45

YANBU to follow through on discipline once you've made a threat.

However, you are are NBU to feel guilty as it was a silly thing to make a threat about in the first place! If she was too tired to eat she was probably too tired for the activity, but to frame it as a punishment for not eating isn't very healthy.

Yfronts · 30/01/2013 18:52

Don't punish a child for not eating food. You should just accept when they are full.

YorkshireDeb · 30/01/2013 18:52

I think you should treat yourself to a nice bath & an early night pingu. I don't think you'd even have made the threat if you weren't so tired yourself. We're only human. We can't be perfect parents everyday. And I'm guessing by the fact your dd is usually lovely & happy you're doing a pretty good job so try not to be so hard on yourself. X

sparklyjumper · 30/01/2013 19:10

Sorry, I do think you made the wrong decision. But it's personal opinion. My answer to not eating a meal is well you don't get anything else. Works for us. Sounds like she's tired and poorly anyway though. And it I'd right to follow through width what you say. I'd go give her a cuddle and distract her with a story. If you do decide you were wrong IF then I think its fine to let her know you made a mistake.

sparklyjumper · 30/01/2013 19:14

Oops posted too late. Hope you all get a more restful night.

Salmotrutta · 30/01/2013 19:44

One of my earliest memories is of mum and me going head-to-head about an uneaten lunch.

I was about 4.

I won.

TheCatIsEatingIt · 30/01/2013 20:51

"It was bloody-mindedness brought about by tiredness." So, she was being naughty, and was deprived of a treat in consequence. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

yaimee · 30/01/2013 21:14

Op I'm not sure how helpful this thread has been for U as it seems like an even split of opinions on whether you are in the right or not.
Hope you aren't still upset but if you are, just draw a line under it and start again tomorrow, you weren't being nasty, just doing your best for your as, if you think you've made the wrong decision then do your best not to do the same again in future. And good luck tonight, hope dd isn't poorly and ds is on the mend! Drink some wine too :)

LineRunner · 30/01/2013 21:25

You all sound shattered.

I agree with yaimee that drawing a line and starting again sounds good.

Talk to your DD tomorrow and say 'We were all so tired, and it all went a bit wrong, didn't it?' and make a plan about what happens next time she isn't hungry.

Hope you are all ok Smile Tears before bedtime are grim for everyone.

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