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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think your bonkers if you want me to fly my baby to a hot country as soon as its born

62 replies

TisTheSeasonToBeJolly · 30/01/2013 06:15

DP and I are expecting our first baby in July. Dp's mother lives abroad in a hot country and emailed me after dp had rung her and demanded I sent her pictures of the scan saying she wanted to see the pictures before anybody else. I emailed back and politely said I wouldn't be putting pictures online but id happily email her a picture. Mil then emailed back saying she wanted a picture sent in the mail. I didn't email back at this point as as petty as it sounds I wouldn't give my own mother a copy so I don't see why I should give mil one when I offered to email her a picture which is really just the same?

She then emailed me a few days later saying "You have to buy baby a passport as soon as its born so you can bring it over to see me" I didn't email back to this. I don't like being told that I have to do anything and my baby is going to be born in July which is going to a boiling hot month and I really don't want to put my newborn baby on a plane.

When I didn't email her back she emailed dp and said the same thing. Dp said we wpnt be flying over as TisTheSeason would have just given birth and we think it would be too hot for the baby, but I'll pay for your flight over as I would really like you to meet new baby" Mil then replied "Ok but make sure no one else meets baby because I want to be the first one" dp hasn't replied yet as he is thinking of a polite way to tell her to stop being ridiculous.

Aibu to be absolutly fuming. And to as you how to nip this in the bud quickly? This is the first baby on my side of the family but the 7th on dps. I think im so cross because she has demanded so many things but im also cross because its just ridiculous really.

OP posts:
Trazzletoes · 30/01/2013 06:23

On the one hand, babies born in said hot country will cope with the heat.

However, there is no way in hell I would take a flight with a newborn - it sounds longhaul too?

How long will it take to get a passport - how the heck does she expect you to keep a baby hidden for weeks while you sort the paperwork so that she claps eyes on DC first?!

She is utterly and completely ridiculous. As a new mum you want to be relaxed and comfy and enjoying your newborn. Not traipsing off on a plane to someone else's house...!

Your DP is being completely reasonable in offering to pay for her travel, your MIL is bonkers.

Rosa · 30/01/2013 06:25

Sounds like she is far apart from you and wants to be involved. However if you are planning on having her to stay with you when she comes over then maybe book her a flight 2/3 weeks after the baby is due so you can at least get used to your baby and hopefully have established the start if a routine. It sounds to me as she mught be a bit 'overwhelming ' if she comes and stays right around the birth. Its your baby you make the rules.

Snowydrift · 30/01/2013 06:32

Skype?Then she can see the baby early on and you can visit her later or she can visit you later. We travelled with our baby at 2 months to my parents, but that was an 11 hour drive rather than flying. I wouldn't have wanted to do it earlier.

To be honest, I'm not sure the too hot is a great excuse, there will be babies where she lives! But I would definitely not be travelling so soon after giving birth. We were told not to travel, especially through an airport, until the baby had has at least its first set of injections.

Chubfuddler · 30/01/2013 06:33

You don't have to think of a polite way to tell her she is being ridiculous. Just tell her she is being ridiculous.

Yamyoid · 30/01/2013 06:33

Yanbu. You shouldn't go on a plane with a newborn, wait a couple of months. She is very selfish and your Dh is very considerate offering to pay for her flight.
Presumably it was her choice to go and live abroad.
You could post her a photocopy of the scan with a letter stating exactly what you plan to do.

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeJolly · 30/01/2013 06:33

Trazz I was very pleased with the way dp has hndled it so far, especially as I have been furious! Were not to sure on what to say in responds to " I want to be the first one to see it". There's no way I will be stopping my mother or siblings from seeing baby just so mil can meet it first.

Lol no Rosa she won't be staying with us. My house is very small and I wouldn't have my own mother stay with me never mind dps. Mil always stays at her friends house whenever she visits over here.

I did wonder if its ok to say its my baby so I make the rules but im not sure how it would go down with people. I don't want to be rude, but It is my baby lol

OP posts:
YorkshireDeb · 30/01/2013 06:34

YANBU. My ds is 4 months & I still can't imagine going away for more than a few days with him. And it really won't be what you want to do immediately after the birth. If she's so desperate to see you why doesn't she get her ass on a plane & come to see you. If she does suggest this though I recommend you putting her in a hotel. She sounds far too demanding to be any use after the birth. X

Trazzletoes · 30/01/2013 06:37

Am just imagining...

Nurse, yes we are here for baby's injections. Thank you, by the way you MUST NOT LOOK AT THE BABY as MIL must be the first to see it.

You're right, she's probably just feeling a long way away right now. Perhaps it will settle but at least your DP is not enabling her ridiculousness.

Snowydrift · 30/01/2013 06:38

I'm in a different country to my parents. What we did was DH sent a text with a picture to both sets of parents announcing the birth. iL's came to visit on day 3 in hospital and I skyped my parents on day 4 when we got home. There are some things that you have to accept when you live in different countries to your family. Mine is we see IL's for short times but often and that when we see my parents it's once or twice a year but for a week or two at a time.

Voiceofsomeone · 30/01/2013 06:40

Do mother sounds like a nightmare , stick to your guns and enjoy your newborn without flying across the world . If she wants to see baby so bad cant she fly here ?

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeJolly · 30/01/2013 06:44

I didn't think of Skype! Thanks snowy I'll get dp to suggest it to her. She's a lovely lady and I've never had any problems with her until I became pregnant. But since becoming pregnant I've just become increasingly annoyed with her demands.

OP posts:
maddening · 30/01/2013 06:44

I'd be tempted to wind her up - things like pretending your dm is going to be at the birth - but I am v tired and unreasonable!

Yanbu to be fuming - glad dh is on the same page as you and that she lives a long long way away!

PercyClarke · 30/01/2013 06:44

She sounds excited.

Does DH really need to respond to the not meeting anyone else before her request? I mean, in reality is she going to fall out with you because your family and friends meet the baby before she flies over?

I'd just organise the flight for a few weeks after the baby is due and send her a nice email saying that you're looking forward to introducing the baby to its granny.

Don't wind yourself up about it, try to be pleased that she's excited about the baby - that's one more person to love it to pieces, which is a good thing.

Obviously if she does actually kick off at the idea that she won't be the first visitor then she's a loon and will Need Handling. But cross that bridge when you come to it.

Good luck with the birth.

IDontDoIroning · 30/01/2013 06:45

Will you be blindfolding all guest visitors etc or keeping your house in total darkness or never venturing out in daylight? Thought not.........Your mil is a loon.

She probably feels upset that she is far away, but seriously telling you to put a newborn on a plane is madness. And selfish .

Dh needs to put her straight that your priority will be getting over birth and settling into your routines and a long air journey is out of the question.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 30/01/2013 06:52

Obv the request to meet the baby first is bonkers so try to ignore that one.

Is she helpful? When my dd2 was born my dmum came over (from UK to here in Oz) for a month and was REALLY helpful, but I do understand that dmum was far more welcome than my dMIL (whom I love but it's really not the same).

Flying with a newborn is also bonkers but I flew from UK to Oz to introduce dd1 to in laws when she was 3 months, was totally doable. So don't totally rule out a nice holiday.

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeJolly · 30/01/2013 06:54

Haha Maddening my own mum may well be at the birth, depending on how I feel when it happens. If not my mum will be my first visitor anyway. She's so excited for the baby and has bought tons already, even more than dp and myself!

Percy we are going to arrange the flights for late July as I don't think I'll be able to cope with mil round at our house everyday when baby is just days old.

Im glad so many of you have said Im not being unreasonable. Somtimes I tend to get that mad that it blinds me to what's actually gone on. But no im right - I'll just need to keep reminding myself

OP posts:
maddening · 30/01/2013 06:57

And now I have visions of her skyping from the end of the delivery bed

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeJolly · 30/01/2013 06:59

No she's not really Claudia she flew over last year to meet dps nephew and just wanted to show him off really. Plonked herself in SIL house and invited a few of her friends round to meet her grandson. Took lots of pictures and when his nappy needed changing gave him back to sil straight away complaining about the smell.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 30/01/2013 07:04

I flew with DD1 when she was 5 weeks old. It was the most stressful thing I have ever done - BA couldn't have been more unhelpful, to the extent that I have never flown with them since (and DD1 is now 14!).

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeJolly · 30/01/2013 07:04

Haha no that would never happen maddening but you made me chuckle then so thanks! Im planning on not telling anyone im in labour even my own mum ( unless I decide to have her at the birth) because Sil and bil told mil last year which resulted in constant messages on sils Facebook telling her to hurry up and push I want to meet my grandson hae you done it yet which then resulted in bil getting lots of phone alls and texts which neither of them appreciated at the time

OP posts:
HollyMadison · 30/01/2013 07:05

I'm wondering if you may be over sensitive and her comments were not literally meant? She may just be excited.

Of course you can't take a newborn longhaul and of course she will not be the first to see baby. Maybe arrange for her trip a few weeks after the birth. I think you were maybe a little precious about sending the hard copy scan picture. Didn't you get loads of copies from the hospital? Sorry!! Good luck of the birth x

mummytime · 30/01/2013 07:07

Do say "It is my baby, I decide what is best."

It is a good idea to make this clear with everyone, very early on. I think most of us have a memory of a time, especially in the first few weeks when we were not assertive enough over our new born.

A quick laugh and a "don't be ridiculous" is a good idea too.

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeJolly · 30/01/2013 07:10

No we had to pay for the pictures ourselves Holly it was only £4 each but if id of gotten mil her own copy then I would of had to do the same with my own mum and it would of cost £16 when I could easily take a picture myself and send it her. Once we got scan picture we emailed her a copy straight away.

OP posts:
Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeJolly · 30/01/2013 07:14

I really do want to say that mummytime but I wondered if maybe I was being a bit precious. I know a lot of people who regret things when their own babies were newborn. I don't ever want to look back at what should be a lovely memory and be annoyed over things.

OP posts:
thelittlestkiwi · 30/01/2013 07:22

Of course YANBU. Just tell her you might end up having a C section and are not supposed to fly for a few weeks after that. You probably couldn't get travel insurance either.

I flew with DD at 3 months and long haul at 4 months which was fine but we didn't book it till we felt we could handle the long trip.

She sounds over excited. I wouldn't even discuss hiding the baby till she gets there. Just laugh if she mentions it again and say you thought she was joking. Also consider giving yourself at least a couple of weeks before she arrives. It's a special time and you don't need extra stress if she is being a bit bonkers.