To think your bonkers if you want me to fly my baby to a hot country as soon as its born

[TisTheSeasonToBeJolly]

DP and I are expecting our first baby in July. Dp's mother lives abroad in a hot country and emailed me after dp had rung her and demanded I sent her pictures of the scan saying she wanted to see the pictures before anybody else. I emailed back and politely said I wouldn't be putting pictures online but id happily email her a picture. Mil then emailed back saying she wanted a picture sent in the mail. I didn't email back at this point as as petty as it sounds I wouldn't give my own mother a copy so I don't see why I should give mil one when I offered to email her a picture which is really just the same?

She then emailed me a few days later saying "You have to buy baby a passport as soon as its born so you can bring it over to see me" I didn't email back to this. I don't like being told that I have to do anything and my baby is going to be born in July which is going to a boiling hot month and I really don't want to put my newborn baby on a plane.

When I didn't email her back she emailed dp and said the same thing. Dp said we wpnt be flying over as TisTheSeason would have just given birth and we think it would be too hot for the baby, but I'll pay for your flight over as I would really like you to meet new baby" Mil then replied "Ok but make sure no one else meets baby because I want to be the first one" dp hasn't replied yet as he is thinking of a polite way to tell her to stop being ridiculous.

Aibu to be absolutly fuming. And to as you how to nip this in the bud quickly? This is the first baby on my side of the family but the 7th on dps. I think im so cross because she has demanded so many things but im also cross because its just ridiculous really.

If she is usually lovely and you do like and get on with her, could you consider that it's actually you and how you are taking what she is saying/writing to you?

It is not unusual to overeact a tad when full of pregnancy hormones.

Having her living with you in the first few weeks will be a nightmare. She will ruin what should be a special bonding time for you and your baby.

The big question is what are your needs (recovering and learning lots whilst being seriously sleep deprived) and the babies needs. Her needs are much lower on the list.

Yfronts, OP has already said that MIL won't be staying with them when she visits, she stays with a friend when she comes back to UK.

Keep in mind baby might arrive late so if you book her to come over 3 weeks after your due date your baby might only be a few days old?

As a new mum myself (baby born 20/12) I can safely say that I would not have appreciated the additional pressure within about the first three weeks at least - its a bit of a blur but basically we spent lots of time in bed or PJ's on sofa, establishing BF, expressing to top up as she lost a bit too much weight etc. Feeding every 2 hours and takes 45min-1hour by the way, you time it from when you start the feed so in other words only an hour off, day and night constantly - I had to keep waking baby to feed. As it was she took 4 weeks to come back to birth weight and its only then that I could back off and purely feed on demand - but even that is every 2.5 or at most 3.5 hours? Its a lot more relentless than I envisaged!

DH also needed the space to bond with her and help out - if his mum had been here too much he wouldn't have had all those lovely cuddles/skin to skin as she would have hogged the 'happy' cuddles (as in fully fed, changed and not yet crying for wind/more food or smelly!). Even now he is back in work I make a point of ensuring he has some happy time with her every evening. By contrast it feels like I seldom just cuddle as I am doing the food/change/comforting but it worth it as she is just starting to smile, and is clearly going to be a Daddy's girl :-)

babys cant travel till they are 6 weeks.. was told this when I had ds2 and moved country. had to wait till he was 6 weeks.

first pasports can take at least a month

shes being crazy tbh.

YABU to be fuming and furious

Yes she's being crazy but given that your DH is supporting you and you don't really have to worry about giving in to her, you should be aiming for eye-rolling and laughing it off. Honestly, why so angry? Especially as you like her and have always gotten on.

I really think it's worth thinking about this. If you respond to her over-enthusiasm with anger, you are just setting yourself up for a long battle of wills and unnecessary stress.

I think you should take any further demands as an opportunity to practice eye-rolling and shrugging. Because believe me, for the rest of your pregnancy and into the newborn days, you will find a lot of people unreasonable, and you don't want to be angry all the time.

Reply to her message in a friendly way saying, 'ha ha-yes, all guests will be blindfolded until you arrive!'

Treat is as a joke-which it obviously is ;)

"I struggle to see why you think I have resentment for mil?"

Because of your reaction to her wording things the way she has - your fury, that you are 'fuming', cross, describe her as 'ridiculous', compare her badly to your own Mum, describe her as making 'demands', you 'don't like being told'...well, no! You don't do you?

Truly I wouldn't want my MIL, or Mum for that matter, staying in the house for an extended visit in the post-birth period. I spent a lot of time hanging out with new NCT friends exchanging newborn experiences and having coffee in each others houses, and having house guests always seems a pressure to me. Maybe other people would find well-placed help around the house a good thing, and that may suit you if she came after your DH's paternity leave. Of course you must do what you feel most comfortable with. The thing is you won't really know what that is until it happens, and that's harder when people are abroad not up the road.

I would tell her it's nice to hear her excitement, use the joky lines that have been suggested, and tell her that you can't wait to show off your baby but of course will have to wait until after the birth to make final arrangements.

Good luck! Oh - and congratulations.

Reply to her message in a friendly way saying, 'ha ha-yes, all guests will be blindfolded until you arrive!'

Plus
"...and we'll hide the baby in a cupboard when the midwife visits. Hee hee.
Seriously though MIL, we'll send you a picture as soon as the baby is born and we've got access to email.
My mother is really excited too. My baby is so lucky to have such a loving family who are all looking forward so much to welcoming him or her into the world."

A bit PA maybe but it gets the message across I think.

Your title is completely different from your OP.

I think your husbands suggestion of her flying over here seems perfect, she gets to say new baby early on, she's not staying with you so no added pressure, and you don't have to fly with baby. I think she sounds excited and probably doesn't mean 'she wants to see baby first' as literally. Email or text a photo when first born (before fb or public announcements) and then she can come and visit in first few weeks. Goodluck and enjoy meeting your baby.

I think its all a storm in a teacup.

I think she is just very excited and not really thinking through what she is saying.

I don't believe she really expects you to get on a plane with a newborn or that she will be the first person to see the baby (taken to it's logical conclusion she would be between your legs during the birth ).

I think so far you have done the right thing in emailed a picture of the scan (in addition as someone above suggested I would agree to Skype sessions after the baby is born) and offered her a flight a few weeks after the birth (make sure you count in the fact you may be overdue i.e. build in some contingency) and otherwise just don't dwell on any of this "over enthusiasm".