To think your bonkers if you want me to fly my baby to a hot country as soon as its born

[TisTheSeasonToBeJolly]

DP and I are expecting our first baby in July. Dp's mother lives abroad in a hot country and emailed me after dp had rung her and demanded I sent her pictures of the scan saying she wanted to see the pictures before anybody else. I emailed back and politely said I wouldn't be putting pictures online but id happily email her a picture. Mil then emailed back saying she wanted a picture sent in the mail. I didn't email back at this point as as petty as it sounds I wouldn't give my own mother a copy so I don't see why I should give mil one when I offered to email her a picture which is really just the same?

She then emailed me a few days later saying "You have to buy baby a passport as soon as its born so you can bring it over to see me" I didn't email back to this. I don't like being told that I have to do anything and my baby is going to be born in July which is going to a boiling hot month and I really don't want to put my newborn baby on a plane.

When I didn't email her back she emailed dp and said the same thing. Dp said we wpnt be flying over as TisTheSeason would have just given birth and we think it would be too hot for the baby, but I'll pay for your flight over as I would really like you to meet new baby" Mil then replied "Ok but make sure no one else meets baby because I want to be the first one" dp hasn't replied yet as he is thinking of a polite way to tell her to stop being ridiculous.

Aibu to be absolutly fuming. And to as you how to nip this in the bud quickly? This is the first baby on my side of the family but the 7th on dps. I think im so cross because she has demanded so many things but im also cross because its just ridiculous really.

Well it depends on where she lives, because here (Australia) July is winter.

I don't think she is wrong to ask for a copy of the scan to be sent. It isn't them same emailing one at all, perhaps she can't print things to a good enough quality. This is her grandchild, she is bound to be excited & wanting to see pictures, especially as she can't be there in person.

But I do agree that she is bonkers saying that no one should meet baby before her.

She is being ridiculous - you/DH need to nip this in the bud or it will escalate. If she says again about being first to see the baby you should just laugh as though she's making a joke because it is clearly so ridiculous.

if not my mother will be my first visitor anyway. She's so excited for the baby and has bought tons of clothes already

Perhaps your MIL is v excited too and showing it in a different way?

Yes mil is excited cakes but she's not really showing it in a nice way in my opinion which is why im so cross. I don't think demanding ever comes across nicely, however nice you meant it to be.

she sounds a bit like my mum ...(I was upset in hospital after the high of birth and didn't want anyone to come visit particularly as my dh had to go home for most of the day with restrictions she was mad about it but I think just because she was so excited). I think they forget what its like being s new mum this could well be you one day. I think she maybe feeling left out and whilst she sounds selfish try your best to see things from her point of view even if she is unable to the other way around. it sounds like she has accepted that she will fly here. I think you need to let her know how much this baby means to everyone that you can't possibly restrict them. I would say that when she visits she will get to see you lo lots much more than others have seen the lo especially if she is staying with you. explain she is the granny so will always have a special bond too. can she and you Skype so she could see lo for a little bit every other day that way. if not or aswell place a photo of her next to your lo and let her know (it doesn't have to stay there) or get photo printed on there. re scan photos if she doesn't have a printer that maybe why she wants s hard copy she may not want your originals with my scan each photo was a unique image not all copies I wouldn't have wanted to give one up. print her a copy and send it. it may also be good to ask her opinion on a few things so she feels involved and again good if you don't.go with her idea ... "we decided to go with that wardrobe instead ". if she is still being awkward tell her or depending on how conversations.go may be worth it sooner rather than later...try to remember she is doing it out of love...for her grandchild however misguided and try not to let this stress you out you have other things your energy should be spent on! keep us posted sure there are lots of peeps in similar situations.

sorry that msg looks like such a mess forgot about paragraphs and v difficult posting on android.

I don't think you are being unreasonable or over sensitive!

The argument that lots of babies are born in to countries is irrelevant too. Your baby isn't being born into a hot country!

You do whatever you want to do (or not do) and tell her straight.

I never sent anyone a scan picture and don't think it's a usual request, nor is it usual to demand to be the first visitor! As if anyone thinks demanding that is ok?

Enjoy your pregnancy, and learn the art of smiling and ignoring!

Imagine how excited you will be when your child is having a baby and then imagine how you would feel if you were miles away. It must be hard, no matter what the reasons are.

I agree that demanding things is not nice but imagine if she didn't care about the baby. She's already got lots of grandchildren but she's still super excited about yours and wants to show the scan photo off to her friends. I think that's lovely and you could always print one and send it. It would be much worse if she wasn't bothered and didn't want anything to do with the baby!

As for wanting to see the baby first, when my poor children are having babies I'm going to be beside myself with excitement and queuing outside the labour ward door - infact I might even dress up as a midwife so I can get in and see the baby! I think it's lovely that's she's so keen to be involved - a texted photo would be a good way to include her. My poor mum was only 150 miles away when I was in labour but was pacing the house for over 12 hours waiting for news.

I think you should cut her some slack and try to empathise.

Best of luck

(ps I'm pregnant with my third and love how much my parents and inlaws adore my kids - but I also know what it's like when it all gets a bit too much!)

I would do as DoIt suggested smile and ignore, there is nothing she can do about it anyway she is in a different country.

DH's family lives in another country (North Africa) and we didn't travel until the baby was 5 months old. I wouldn't travel until the baby had had all their jabs because sitting in a plane then having family & friends meeting the baby is a great way to expose the child to a whole set of new germs as I wasn't sure of the vacination programme in DH's country.

zcos we thought maybe she felt excluded so we asked her if she could think of any nice baby names as Dp and I can't seem to find any which we agree on, she's sent loads of names to us, that's a nice thought of sending her a picture of a picture of her next to baby. It wouldn't stay there lol but think that would be nice for her.

DoitToJulia I struggle with telling anyone straight, Im more of a seethe and then explode person. Which I don't want to do with mil as we have always got on and she is lovely. She's just been a bit extreme lately. Thank you :)

You would moan if she wasn't interested.
I don't for one minute believe she is serious about no one else seeing the baby. That is just excited talk.

I flew longhaul with dd when she was 3 weeks old - best time to fly if you ask me, she slept and cuddled for the whole 9 hours. Not stressful at, but getting a passport was VERY stressful.

However, I wanted to, and you clearly don't. I think your mil must be excited and it is hard being away from family. Clearly you can't let her be the first to see the baby, even suggesting that shows she is really wanting to be there for the birth ( and is waiting for an invitation) or is a bit bonkers.

We went on holiday to Portugal when DD2 was 6 weeks old. It was lovely. Everyone makes a massive fuss of the baby, you get treated very well, and we had a really memorable holiday. Newborns are very portable. We kept baby in the shade and out of the pool and breastfeeding made it even easier. If she lives in a holiday destination don't rule out visiting in September. You might enjoy it.

She's just expressing her natural enthusiasm, surely? And getting over-excited.

Send her a photocopy of the scan pic, don't be so precious!

I agree, I wouldn't be booking flights in advance, but I would be keeping an open mind and considering flying out there once you feel ready. In advance you have no idea how you will feel, the date of the birth, then it may take a few days to get an appointment to register the birth (it took us a week or more, I think) and then to apply for a passport, which takes at least 2 weeks. But one you feel settled a holiday somewhere hot could be lovely. We took DC to a mediterranean place at 9 weeks, in summer, and it was perfect - never easier to travel than with a mostly-sleeping, breastfed baby. We didn't have an air conditioned apartment, either, just a traditionally built one, so built to be coolish indoors, and we sat in the proper shade (trees along the beach, not flimsy parasol) with him during the day. Ever so relaxing.

It sounds as if this is more about your wider resentment of your MIL - having a baby brings the extended family much closer in: they are after all the babies relatives. She's not just your MIL, she's your child's grandmother!

I'm struggling to see what she has done that is so awful, although my oldest DS is in his late teens now so maybe I am beginning to realise how I will feel when he becomes a parent himself.

I think she wants a hard copy of the scan photo so that she can show her friends, carry it about in her purse etc. and yes she has dropped a big hint about getting a passport so that you can all visit her.

I don't think she is serious about you preventing anyone else from seeing the baby until she has seen it, or expecting you to visit immediately (it can take a couple of months for a new passport to come through once you've applied for it anyway) - she is just very excited, or wants to show you how excited she is given that she already has grandchildren.

Def not being unreasonable! My parents came over from Australia when DS was 5 weeks old and that was about the right gap. They were v considerate and made sure we'd have a couple of weeks to ourselves even if DS was very late - as it was he was born on his due date.

If MIL is usually nice is this the time for a very gentle, 'I'm not sure that's realistic, it doesn't seem very fair to tell family here they can't see the baby' from your husband, or would that make things worse? I think ema is great for this sort of thing as peps don't have to make instant reactions (though that doesn't stop some people!)

Skype is brilliant. DS is 16 months and while he hasn't seen either of my parents in months he knows them, shows them all his toys, sings songs with them, chats away and kisses the iPad.

Def not being unreasonable! My parents came over from Australia when DS was 5 weeks old and that was about the right gap. They were v considerate and made sure we'd have a couple of weeks to ourselves even if DS was very late - as it was he was born on his due date.

If MIL is usually nice is this the time for a very gentle, 'I'm not sure that's realistic, it doesn't seem very fair to tell family here they can't see the baby' from your husband, or would that make things worse? I think ema is great for this sort of thing as peps don't have to make instant reactions (though that doesn't stop some people!)

Skype is brilliant. DS is 16 months and while he hasn't seen either of my parents in months he knows them, shows them all his toys, sings songs with them, chats away and kisses the iPad.

Alligator I dislike flying myself, I find the hustle and bustle of people trying to get on the plain very stressful. When we book for her to come visit baby will be 3 weeks old plus I'll be sending her pictures of baby ect when its born.

Jassy Mil usually is lovely, I've never known her to be so demanding ever! Apart from the latest emails obviously. She is a nice lady and im glad she's excited about baby, I just think she could of worded her emails slightly better and think see being ridiculous saying she wants to be first person to meet baby

Carling I struggle to see why you think I have resentment for mil? I have said a few times now that she's a nice lady and we've never had any problems? I don't think you've read the entire thread

Plus carling my own mother hasn't gotten a copy of scan picture, mil got a picture sent to her through email. My mother has seen the scan once when I showed it her, mil can print off her copy if she likes and keep it on her fridge ect.

Yabu We flew to Oz with our 2 month old so that DHs family could meet her. she was fine!

Sounds like neither of you like each other, bit of a shame.

I think you are taking what she said too literally.

Why would you not send a scan pic anyway? I dont understand that at all, other than 'just because you can'

I wouldn't answer her question. Get your DH to say that you will book her a flight for the time when his paternity leave ends so she can help and support you when he is back at work. You will need some help then I expect.

She sounds very controlling.