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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what SAHM,s with kids at school do with their days?

453 replies

totallyfrazzled · 29/01/2013 22:53

I am mainly a SAHM but both my children are now school age. I do work PT, but as I work freelance my work days are erratics so I often find myself being a SAHM for a full week. Despite the fact that I do work, albeit slightly randomly, I find that I cannot give myself credit for the multiple tasks that I perform in anyone day at home....getting the DC's dressed and ready for school, driving them to school, clearing up the breakfast chaos, making the beds, doing the shopping, blah blah blah, preparing the evening meal, collecting the DC's, getting thru the homework, etc etc etc. i seem to be able to fill a whole day with domestic drudgery and still I am treading water, i.e. I am keeping everything at a status quo rather than actually achieving anything. I feel duty bound to keep on with domestic duties whilst not actually in renumerative employ. I feel guilty doing otherwise.Wondering if any one anyone else is in the same boat?

OP posts:
naughtycloud1 · 31/01/2013 12:52

i.m ashamed to say my daughter is 10 i workpartime for 2 hrs not long at all in the day i clean washclothes i do the ironing as i go.
vistmum
read
fill my days with cleaning
i am bored stiff even on computer all day
maybe im very lasy and i could work full time but i have no gcses nothing on paperand cant get a job am i a bad person for being at home living of my partner has some people would call. it but being a mother for 10 years was not good enougthHmm or should i have another baby fill my days with bottle feed and be a mother again as this is all i seem to be good at[nocomment]

comingintomyown · 31/01/2013 12:58

I loved being a SAHM and was always busy and it made everyones elses lives easier

Due to divorce went back to FT work when DC were 11 and 14

No question life was far more pleasant not working but then again thats because my job is pretty awful and thats because I took years out of the workplace !!!

ouryve · 31/01/2013 13:00

Internet, knitting, reading, journalling & organising appointments, supplies etc for 2 boys with SN, find the floor because they tend to scatter stuff. I have dodgy joints and sometimes I'm just too exhausted, but when I get the chance and have the energy, I try to do something to tart this scruffy old house up, a bit. All I've managed to do in this school year is varnish two brand new doors, though, which had to be done because the boys broke one at the end of the summer holidays.

I'd say hats off to anyone who manages to keep on top of things with kids and house and hold down a full time job. I'm never going to pretend I do more than you do.

scattybatty · 31/01/2013 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nokidshere · 31/01/2013 13:20

I have been a sahm (or part time wahm) for 14 years now. I have no intention of ever going back out to work and, in 18 months time will once again have all my days free until 3:15pm.

I never have any trouble filling my time. I don't do voluntary work, I do as little housework as absolutely necessary and I never feel the need to justify what I do or dont do to anyone else. I worked full time for over 20 years before having my children and, at 52 years old, I don't feel like I have to be doing something specific in order to look better for other people!

badtasteflump · 31/01/2013 13:24

Agreed scatty. It seems impossible to talk about SAHMs or WMs without it turning into a bunfight. Women should be respected for whatever choices they make for themselves and their children - not made to justify them to fuck knows who...

mummyplum1 · 31/01/2013 14:18

Just a question for you long term SAHMs with older children.

A lot of you have said that you fill your time with mainly leisure activities, basically you please yourself most of the day.

Do you never look back at your life over the past 10/ 15 years or whatever and wonder what you have achieved, what you have to be proud of, what you have done to help others, etc? If not now, do you think that you might do this in the future? Do you not think that you are allowing your once capable self to become gradually more and more deskilled and potentially more incapable? Do you think that perhaps your DCs, when they become adults, may wonder about what their mother achieved, etc?

I'm not talking about those who do voluntary work or care for sick DC or elderly relatives but those who spend most of their time in the gym, having coffee with friends, in the beauty salon, etc

Pagwatch · 31/01/2013 14:27

I have said I please myself. That doesn't mean gym coffee and beauty salon.
I think my dc respect the choices I have made because they I understand them. My DC are quite proud of my achievements. I am quite proud of how I have dealt with a life I didn't plan or ask for.
My eldest DS thinks (as I do) that it is sad that I didn't go to uni but that wasn't a choice I had - I had to earn money.
Still, it could be some thing I do in the future. Who knows

I am not sure that being at home has made me de-skill in a way that (for example) my SIL who works in a supermarket hasn't.
I think to assume that all learning, improvement and skill development happens exclusively in a work place is a bit limited.

impty · 31/01/2013 14:32

mummyplum ... the short answer is yes!

The longer answer is yes but...
1 without being at home, my husbands career would have stalled at some point. We know couples where both worked and neither reached their potential because of shared childcare. As a family we have a greater income now because of this.
2 Evenings and weekends are entirely free for leisure for all the family.
3 We have saved a fortune in cleaners/ decorating/ gardening because I do it.
4 I consider this a part of my life. I'm not 40 yet so only halfway through. I occasionally do freelance bits and pieces. Who knows what I may do in the future?

Badvoc · 31/01/2013 14:34

Agree totally with pag.
My youngest starts school in sept. and I have been wondering what the next chapter of my life night bring...
My parents are increasingly frail and in ill health.
My voluntary work seems to be getting increasing.
I may even re train.
Am 40 so I feel I still have lots of options tbh.

Badvoc · 31/01/2013 14:37

Plum...I don't think there are that many sahms who do spend all their time at the gym/ cafe/salon tbh.
At least I don't know any.
My sis is also a sahm and she does spend a lot of time shopping, but she can afford and - I will never understand this - enjoys it.

Pagwatch · 31/01/2013 14:42

I apologise that I get like a dog with a bone about this. Really.

I just think it is another area where women (and it is mostly women) take a snapshot of someone else's life, compare it against there choices and then denigrate it.

Most women I know in the real world are making hard choices based on a load of variables. They make the best choice they can for themselves and their family. It usually involves an element of sacrifice. It's usually a compromise.

Turning that into sahms are lazy parasites - WOHMs don't care about their children is all self serving and nonsense.
It also ignores the fact that many of us will be both at sometime or another.

We are mostly just doing our best, trying to do the best we can.
Slagging someone off using crass stereotypes is just so mean spirited. We shouldn't all endlessly have to justify ourselves.

stopgap · 31/01/2013 14:50

Perfectly put, Pagwatch. My friends are a mixture of SAHM, part-time workers and WOHM. All are smart, dertermined women who, for a multitude of reasons, made a choice based upon their family's particular circumstance. One good friend was an investment banker who worked 70-hour weeks and decided to SAH until such time her daughter is in school and she can do some consulting work. And another friend is a banker who decided to stay in those 70-hour working weeks and she sees her son for an hour of an evening and most weekends. But her child seems happy, as does the child with the SAH mother. And I don't consider one woman superior to another in any way, shape or form.

DewDr0p · 31/01/2013 15:05

I've got 3 primary school aged dc. The youngest has mild SN. I'm a sahm.

I do a fair amount of housework during the day. I try and keep on top of things while they are at school to free up time to spend with the dcs in the evening - esp dc3 who needs lots of support with reading and writing atm. Dh works away a lot so it does help to have a free run at hearing 3 dc read, practise spelling etc

Dc3 also has a lot of appointments and where we live is rural so each one takes up a whole morning with travel time Shock

I take some time for me to exercise and see friends. I'm pretty limited in the evening with dh away so if I didn't I would go stir crazy I reckon!

I'm also a governor at 2 local schools, contribute to a local regeneration project committee. For a while I was a bfing peer supporter. Oh and I am retraining for a new (hopefully family friendly!) career.

DewDr0p · 31/01/2013 15:06

And well said pag I agree wholeheartedly.

FanFuckingTastic · 31/01/2013 15:09

I am hoping to start a scheme in my area to help deprived families and children with school uniform, so I do have that little brainchild kicking around. Just waiting for the ideal chance to start.

naughtycloud1 · 31/01/2013 15:09

good point pagawatch it,s all about where your lives at and whats best for the family at the present time.

amicissimma · 31/01/2013 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandon · 31/01/2013 15:15

mummyplum. I have asked myself that question.

My kids have already asked me about this as well.

Facts are:

  • I like looking after my kids myself
  • i think I do a better job than any nanny or CM would
  • i have had a job long enough to know it is not more fun or more rewarding than being with the kids
  • I get lots of respect from DH and DC.
  • It is not a decision for life. being a SAHM is not a religion. DH and I hope to set up a business together one day.

Just repeating this: SAHMism is NOT a religion, or a secret club. It is just a phase in our life.

It is a very valid choice. Some people are weirdly and millitantly anti-sahm as a concept, but thankfully I do not know any such people in real life. But then I do not subscribe to the notion that a human being's worth is determined by their economic contribution to society.

Hobbitation · 31/01/2013 15:20

A lot of you have said that you fill your time with mainly leisure activities, basically you please yourself most of the day.

I pleased myself all the time outside of work hours before I had children and was working FT. I feel like I put much more back into society now as a WFHP. I do voluntary work as well as paid work and go to the gym and please myself a lot!

How many people working FT have the time to put anything back into society?

ExitPursuedByABear · 31/01/2013 15:24

I am quite lazy though.

Ragwort · 31/01/2013 15:28

But then I do not subscribe to the notion that a human being's worth is determined by their economic contribution to society - totally agree Chandon, it is very sad that people are judged on their 'jobs' rather than their worth as an individual.

For all those who say they are 'bored senseless' at home, I think that can show a total lack of imagination of how to spend your time, let's be honest, the vast majority of jobs are not particularly interesting and stimulating, many people have absolutely no autonomy over what they do/what time they have to report in/cannot make a decision on their own initiative etc etc etc. Of course its brilliant if you are a barrister or a top surgeon, but don't let us think that all jobs are like that Hmm. I've just had the most brain-dead conversation with someone at British Gas, obviously reading from a script, imagine having to do that all day long Sad.

Ragwort · 31/01/2013 15:31

How many people working FT have the time to put anything back into society? another good point, I do an awful lot of work with teenagers, many of whom are very vulnerable and 'at risk' of becoming NEETs , and it is very sad that a lot of them just do not have any support or encouragement from home, and they often tell me 'because my parents are working or too tired to help me' Sad.

I still want to know how those of you who say you couldn't stay at home are going to manage when you retire?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/01/2013 15:32

I have no problem with being bored, I like a gentle pace to life.

But need to find some P/T work again to balance the family budget (teenagers are sooo expensive !) - hopefully something with children as that's what I've pretty much always done. I think it does help a bit with self-esteem too, to have a role and make a contribution, but I reckon that's partly to do with other people's judgements and expectations.

Today I went into town and enjoyed browsing and buying a couple of things in the bookshop, Oxfam, and Chinese supermarket.

I ought to do more to keep on top of housework - one tidying project a day on top of the basics sounds a really good plan. Plus something each day towards finding more work/ a new job.

ExitPursuedByABear · 31/01/2013 15:33

MummpPlum - I often wonder what the fucking hell life is all about anyway. We are born, we live, we die. I was reading Clive James in the Sunday Telegraph writing about a recent University Challenge where none of the contestants knew who Louis Maceice was, and that he had dreamt of Louis who was stood saying "Well, what was all that for?"

Unless you are finding a cure for cancer or brining aout World Peace, I am not sure that many of us have done things which will be remembered after we have gone.

Being at peace with myself is important to me, or as Wordsworth said it so much better than me

"Finding the calm existence that is mine when I am worthy of myself".