To ask what SAHM,s with kids at school do with their days?

[totallyfrazzled]

I am mainly a SAHM but both my children are now school age. I do work PT, but as I work freelance my work days are erratics so I often find myself being a SAHM for a full week. Despite the fact that I do work, albeit slightly randomly, I find that I cannot give myself credit for the multiple tasks that I perform in anyone day at home....getting the DC's dressed and ready for school, driving them to school, clearing up the breakfast chaos, making the beds, doing the shopping, blah blah blah, preparing the evening meal, collecting the DC's, getting thru the homework, etc etc etc. i seem to be able to fill a whole day with domestic drudgery and still I am treading water, i.e. I am keeping everything at a status quo rather than actually achieving anything. I feel duty bound to keep on with domestic duties whilst not actually in renumerative employ. I feel guilty doing otherwise.Wondering if any one anyone else is in the same boat?

Why, why, why do women have to keep justifying the choices that they and their families make? DO we ever see or hear men doing this?

I'm a WOHM. It's what's needed for out family life right now. I'd love to be a SAHM, but being envious of someone who is, isan't going to make it happen!

There are lots of dreadful, dreadful things happening to many women in this world...their situation's are the ones that we should be putting emotional energy into, not whether someone goes to the gym whilst their kids are in school.

Have been a sahm for 12 years and have sons and a dd.

I know that if I wasn't a sahm, dh would not have been able to earn what he does. He would not have been able to travel abroad, be away overnight, work late etc if he'd had to pick the kids up from school or get to the child minders by 6 etc.

I view it as division of labour - dh was always going to earn more than me, so it made sense for me to do the house and child stuff and for him to generate income.

I don't see why I should feel guilty or like a bad role model - I'm fulfilling my end of the deal.

I will teach my children to get a good education and be able to support themselves (I am a former teacher), but ultimately to do what makes them happy and works for their lives.

Like woh, sah has its good points and its bad points - nothing is perfect all of the time and most people just have a 'best fit' approach to what they choose to do.

Good point.

Other thing is men rarely ime bat an eyelid when I say I am a SAHM, women on the other hand usually always have something to say.

Mummyplum - I didn't look back on my 18 years of working and feel that I had done anything particularly good. I worked for a bank. If I hadn't done it someone else would have happily taken the generous salary and done it for me.I wasn't saving the world. I was earning money to provide for the life I want to live. Once I had enough money to live my life the way I wanted to I stopped!

Why is my time worth more to the world if I spend it earning money for a bank than if I spend it at home during the middle part of my day so that I can be there for my children when they are not in school?

When my children are older I'll look back on all the wonderful memories and will be happy that I spent every available moment enjoying having them around.

That's just how I feel.
My jobs were just that, a means to an end.
We aren't all rocket scientists and rock stars.

No, I don't look back to when I worked with an amazing sense of pride or felt I really achieved anything either other than earn a good wage. Anything worthwhile was done outside work hours.

And talking of going to the gym, going for a swim, or a walk round the park which I often do - it's good to keep healthy and get some exercise. Women shouldn't feel guilty for taking some time to look after themselves, especially physically (rather than just appearance wise)
Men would never feel guilty about it - they'd be boasting about how good they were !
And it's for you and your family and even society if you can stay more healthy through exercise.

I'm not sure our kids will look back and admire us for what we achieved outside the home either tbh - kids care about wether they are loved, fed and watered, not wether their mum was off curing cancer or working in a supermarket. I really don't think they give two hoots what a mum actually does for a living. I don't think ds will look back and admire his dad's job, he's more likely to look back and think of times when he and his dad spent time together.

Too many times in that last post but YNWIM!

I think SAH with feet up mnetting whilst the kidsare at school sounds lovely in principle, although I suspect I would just end up feeling guilty about having so much control over my own life and getting to enjoy more time with the children whilst DP was wage slaving all day in an office to pay for it. Dammit!

If I was to get a f/t job I would only be doing it to shut up other people who have a negative opinion on my situation

Yes, I agree.

As a foster carer, I'm not actually allowed to work full time when we have a placement anyway, so I guess that lets me off the hook.

I work in paid employment, from home, approx 10 hours a day which I fit in after the kids are in bed, or at school.

The rest of my time I do please myself. Yes, I do some voluntary work, because I enjoy doing it, if I enjoyed going to the gym every day, I'd do that too.

We work to live, we don't live to work

Here, here passthesherry

I am a sahm to 6 and 3 year old. Love it!

And never understand the brain rotting judgement. I read exstensively and have written a novel, just starting my second. I go and watch foreign films and go to the museum. I learn through my kids all the time.

A lot of the time the woh parent really values their career and wants to be able to do whatever is necessary in order to climb the career pole. Don't be thinking that the sahm has forced the poor sod out to work all hours, so he can subsidise her chosen lifestyle. Quite often he derives a lot of benefit from having a sah partner - it suits him as much as it suits her. He (or she) is doing what they want to do and have peace of mind that all is being taken care of at home and they are not under pressure to do much looking after of their own dc/house.

And in the end it is the sahp who is making sacrifices too, in order to do this. A sahp has fewer pension contributions, loses out on career and promotions, during the time they take out of the workplace, risks not being able to get back in, is vulnerable if a marriage ends and is doing something that society doesn't actually think is important because it doesn't directly generate a taxable income for the state. Never mind that the role supports someone who is able to concentrate on their career and thus earn more money which the state taxes at a higher level!

Absolutely. My dh loves his job and wants a career. We are a team, both contributing equally to a secure family unit.

My DH enjoys his work too and has the opportunity to travel to interesting places around the world watching wildlife quite a few times a year.

I don't think this is a man or woman issue but about a partnership. I am sure people would ask questions of my DH spent all his time swanning between the gym and coffee shop whilst I worked an 80 hour week.

I suppose if one of you had a job that you adored, that felt more like a hobby than a job it wood be understandable.

DH and I have been lucky enough over the years to earn good wages, We can probably retire early had live a good life. I would rather that we both retired at 50 together than one of us stopped working at 35 and the other carried on unit 60.

This is such an interesting thread. I totally agree with pag - it is just not worth judging women by their SAHM/WOHM status. Most of us do the best we can with the options we have before us. Nobody is better than anyone else. I am sure our children are not going to judge our worth as mothers based on how many hours we worked, or how many times we went to the gym and pissed about. We will be judged on how well we loved them, I am sure.

I don't think that being a SAHM to a school aged child is particularly something that should be judged more than a SAHM to a pre schooler. I have always been more than happy to work FT ever since DD was a baby. But the only time I wished I could work less and be at home more is recently. She is bloody 17, and needs me more than ever. It's easy to work with a baby. But I am needed now, and have been for a couple of years. This distresses me because I work miles away, so much of my life is wasted on a train. I would love to take a few years out frankly, but it is pretty much impossible.

I don't think it is on to call another poster a loon. Why can't you disagree politely ?

op, I do all you do exactly, but I work 9-3 term time cos I need the money, if you dont you can spend the day cleaning the house...... we work for money, if you dont need the money you dont need to work

sorry but I just find it funny that its ok to say another poster hates woman, but not ok to call her a loon

Why is it (almost) always the women who stop work and men who continue though? I have no problem with people with DC of any age not WOH, but would feel more comfortable with working PT ( as I do) and SAH if it was something people, rather than women, did.

Dozer my experience is that employers still have the attitude that it's the women who should take care if the kids.

My DH and I both worked for the same large bank. We were the same job grade. We earned the same.

When I first started trying for a baby and looked into the staff rules about maternity pay, career breaks etc I discovered that these things were only available to me . There was no parental leave for fathers at all then. Men were not able to apply for a career break. ( the bank eventually did way with the scheme altogether rather than be forced to offer it to both sexes )

By the time I actually became a parent ( 10 years later ) the official policy had improved but in practice nothing had changed.

My DH and I adopted a baby. The banks policy on adoption was that prospective adoptive parents must be allowed paid leave to attend adoption preparation classes , social worker meetings and introduction meetings with the child.

I had no problem getting leave for these meetings because I am female and it's accepted. My DH had a nightmare. One colleague of his complained to his boss about him leaving early for meetings with our social worker.

He was supposed to get two weeks off after our DS was placed with us ( same as a birth father would get ) . The bank made him start his leave one week before our DS arrived because that suited them better! When my DH tried to leave the office at 5pm occasionally ( his official finishing time) instead of the usual 6 or 7pm so that he could spend some time with his new baby he was threatened with all sorts and accused of not pulling his weight or being a team player.

He nearly had a break down over it all. He was trying so hard to be a good father.

That is so sad Angels.

All that presenteeism I used to suffer when I worked in Advertising.

Sooo glad I am out of it now. And yes, it is usually, but not always, women who become the sah, but I am sure the balance will start to slowly shift.