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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what SAHM,s with kids at school do with their days?

453 replies

totallyfrazzled · 29/01/2013 22:53

I am mainly a SAHM but both my children are now school age. I do work PT, but as I work freelance my work days are erratics so I often find myself being a SAHM for a full week. Despite the fact that I do work, albeit slightly randomly, I find that I cannot give myself credit for the multiple tasks that I perform in anyone day at home....getting the DC's dressed and ready for school, driving them to school, clearing up the breakfast chaos, making the beds, doing the shopping, blah blah blah, preparing the evening meal, collecting the DC's, getting thru the homework, etc etc etc. i seem to be able to fill a whole day with domestic drudgery and still I am treading water, i.e. I am keeping everything at a status quo rather than actually achieving anything. I feel duty bound to keep on with domestic duties whilst not actually in renumerative employ. I feel guilty doing otherwise.Wondering if any one anyone else is in the same boat?

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 01/02/2013 21:24

Juggling.

Ah, so it is I think. I did read that book it really is good if you are a bit bad at time management.
Its also good at questioning what is important to you, can thoroughly recommend to all.
Saying that our home is always a bit chaotic but its better than me being stressed out all the time. Have also reassessed since dd has been H.ed, obviously being out more and less housework.

Xmasbaby11 · 01/02/2013 21:28

I would rather work than be at home cleaning etc! Sounds grim.

scottishmummy · 01/02/2013 21:33

hello fanfuckingtastic,great name.plenty scots on mn

amck5700 · 01/02/2013 21:38

scottish mummy - not read all the way through this but think I have the gist.

I've been on the other side of this to a point. I always worked and my OH stayed at home with the boys. My job was earning money, his was looking after the kids and doing the bulk of the housework around that. He went to work once the boys started school, I have to say I'd have been a bit hacked off if he was home when they went to school and spent a large part of his day indulging himself. However maybe that's because I didn't and still don't, love my job. I did it because I earned more to support us not for him to spend it on going to the gym and having his hair done :o. So I think I am in agreement with you.

Equally I'd have felt guilty doing that if he was the one out earning. But it's not in my nature to take things from people. I was always told you work and earn things for yourself.

However, I guess that not everyone feels the same. Some partners may love their jobs and be perfectly happy to earn and support their family while their partner looks after their children and is available if they are ill etc without them needing to be hassled at all. So I guess I can't judge what other people feel is acceptable to them......but it wouldn't be for me.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/02/2013 22:05

I think women do a lot of work with their children, families, and sometimes in the community too, around the clock eg. mornings, evenings, and weekends.
The 6 hours between 9am and 3pm when children are at school isn't all there is to a day - and then they're on holiday a lot too.
It isn't that simple to fit work around children being at school - though I have been fortunate enough to find school hours work with children in pre-schools over most of the last 7 years.
So many mothers are after those jobs though it's quite crazy !
Am a bit between jobs ATM so for now a SAHM - as a PP said something most of us do at some time, and most of us not for ever.

So the SAHM v WOHM debate is much more polarised than it needs to be IMHO.
(Slightly like BF v FF ?!)

FanFuckingTastic · 01/02/2013 22:07

Of course, but you do always catch my eye. Since it's rude to stare, I said hello Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 01/02/2013 22:11

xmasbaby

I don't know any sahm's who are at home cleaning.

They mostly educate and bring their children up pre school, have a very flexible routine with hobbies and interests. When dc go to school they may have slightly more time to do their own thing.
Do wohm's not clean then?

amck5700 · 01/02/2013 22:15

Do wohm's not clean then?

Yes, we do, unfortunately we have to fit it around work and child raising :(

morethanpotatoprints · 01/02/2013 22:21

amck

I would rather spend time "indulging myself", although I don't of course.
My reply above was to the assumption that sahm's spent their time cleaning.
Whilst we all have a certain amount to do I don't think anybody would define their role in life as cleaner, unless of course it was their job.

amck5700 · 01/02/2013 22:30

absolutely, it's just from the way I have been brought up and see it, life is a partnership and that if my partner was out working and I was at home, I would see it as a job too, so that spending my time doing "me" stuff would seem wrong....a bit like if I was spending my time at my paid employment playing games on the computer. But then I have never been in that position.

It's maybe not a view everyone would have, it's just the way I was raised.

defineme · 01/02/2013 22:43

I work 3 days a week and a couple of hours evening work.Dh works full time: this is the balance between earning money and having one of us less stressed and therefore more able to deal with sn ds1 that dh and I have decided upon.

Some days off are more stressful than work
eg yesterday I attended a meeting where I had to argue the case for ds1 receiving more support, then I did my voluntary work (lovely bit of day actually) and then I spent hour on phone with insurance company sorting out problem.Then I cleaned house frantically as ot was coming to work with ds1 when I brought him back from school.

However, today all I did was get hair cut (only every 2 months but takes 2 1/2 hours) some minimal housework, walk to bank with dm and online shopping-all with hangover as friend's birthday last night. Dh had a shit day at work and I feel a bit guilty. I suppose the pay off for him is that I won't be at hairdressers tomorrow so he'll be free to go to gym whislt I stay with kids.

When I'm off work for a couple of weeks I have a project or I do slide into online/daytime tv pit-so I'll decorate or spring clean garage.

I know a very wealthy single mum with school age kids. She is independently wealthy through her own hard work and she has staff. She fills her days with voluntary work/shopping/leisure stuff like gym and friends. If I won the lottery that is exactly what I would do. I'm very happy for her.

jellybeans · 01/02/2013 22:57

I had this briefly before having my 5th DC. I was always busy. House stuff, studying, volunteering in school etc. Also DH has his days off in the week so we do 'weekend' stuff in the week, decorating and shopping etc. In addition seeing family and friends takes up a lot of time. Some are isolated and elderly. I was never bored, the day flies by. I won't be in a rush to go back to paid work unless something that fits in comes up. I don't want to miss out on watching school plays etc.

jellybeans · 01/02/2013 22:59

'The 6 hours between 9am and 3pm when children are at school isn't all there is to a day - and then they're on holiday a lot too.'

Great points.

ExitPursuedByABear · 01/02/2013 23:20

This is going well isn't it?

jellybeans · 01/02/2013 23:30

'I know that if I wasn't a sahm, dh would not have been able to earn what he does. He would not have been able to travel abroad, be away overnight, work late etc if he'd had to pick the kids up from school or get to the child minders by 6 etc.'

I'm in the same position NewNN I gave up my job so he could do his current one. He has been able to get ahead because he has childcare sorted 24/7. It's just easier this way. I never wanted to be a SAHM until after I tried going f/t and hated leaving DD1 in nursery. From DD2 I have SAH.

SM is always scathing and I often wonder why that is.. This 'precious moments' thing she throws out doesn't offend me because time with our DC is in fact limited (flies by) and indeed precious. After 2 stillbirths and 2 miscarriages my kids are the main thing in life I care about and the thought of putting an employer before their needs would be very tough after being here all this time for them. Eg not being able to be with them when ill etc. I have known people 'disciplined' for taking time off to be with their sick child for example. To me all that stress isn't worth it if you don't want or need it. I would rather use my time for my DC than to an employer.

There is plenty to do without paid work. Once you devalue those not in paid work there is a slippy slope to devaluing not only SAHP but the elderly, people who can't work due to learning difficulties etc.

ClippedPhoenix · 01/02/2013 23:31

what is it with all this dossing stuff? years ago now women were homemakers and it took up all their time. Now homemakers are lazy? really? Get out there and work? Let's have a latch key kid then? Let's leave the house before breakfast, let's get home at gone 7? then wonder why our kids are under achieving or getting in trouble.

I work part time as a single parent and I'm doing what I feel as the sole person in the house should do, be there. I fit life round my child and that's the way it should be in my book.

Arisbottle · 01/02/2013 23:33

When I was a SAHM I was a bloody good homemaker, but my day started at 6am with my husband and therefore I often had the afternoons free to swan about. Unless you are living in a mansion you can do all the housework and cooking in six hours, so after that your time is free.

I now work full time me my children are certainly not latch key kids.

WifeofPie · 01/02/2013 23:37

My children are all school-aged now (11, 8 and 6) and I have NO plans to go back to work in the near future. It's busy. By the time I've run with the dogs, showered, done some errands/shopping/appointments, made dinner, returned e-mails/phone calls etc, done some cleaning or laundry (we have a big house which is a lot of work, but also a huge mortgage so I clean it myself...a little bit every day) it's time to pick kids up again and then it's homework, play dates and picking-up, DD is a competitive gymnast so does that 8 hours a week and the boys have their own activities to be delivered to. It's hard work and definitely a full-time occupation. There is downtime and I suppose that is one of the perks of the job lifestyle...I have time to exercise (I multitask by doing it with the dogs, but still), be outdoors, read and study things that interest me AND most importantly it means that a parent is always available for anything the kids need, driving, emergencies, homework help, school functions, appointments etc.

There are days when I'd love to work again...for the adult company and a different kind of challenge but mostly it feels like there simply aren't enough hours in the day to work AND have my family and household raised/run the way I want. And because I have an awesome life...I'm happy and very grateful for that.

ExitPursuedByABear · 01/02/2013 23:48

Housework and cooking in 6 hours Shock

What do you do? By the time I have done the horse twice and walked the dog three times there is barely time to read the paper before folk want feeding!

CheerfulYank · 01/02/2013 23:53

Also in the US kids are off school all June, July, and August.

Arisbottle · 01/02/2013 23:53

That was my point, it is easily done. I was including in that seeing to our horses, walking the dog, cleaning the chickens, cleaning out rabbits, guinea pigs and whatever other animals we have collected over the years, That also includes breakfast with the children then cleaning up, lunch with the children and cleaning up and playing with them.

ClippedPhoenix · 01/02/2013 23:54

It's called a very hard job but a very unrewarding one most of the time. It's called being there for your kids, it's called a well run house so everyone else functions, it's called having children and looking after them properly. Once they fly the nest then we are probably at the age where we aren't wanted on the young work scene so bugger that!

Us homemakers and carers end our days knowing we did the right thing by bringing children into this world, not farming them out and actually unfashionably looking after them ourselves.

Arisbottle · 01/02/2013 23:58

I could say that my husband does he right thing be paying shed loads of tax which goes to running schools, hospitals etc. I could say I have done the right thing by also paying a shed load of tax and then taking a huge payout to work in front line public services. If all the women with children stayed at home there would be a huge shortage of teachers, nurses, doctors , cleaners etc.

There is no one right thing.

I think it is sad that you find looking after your own children unrewarding, I adored every minute if being at home with mine.

bringmeroses · 02/02/2013 00:03

OP you have hit the nail on the head with I am keeping everything at a status quo rather than actually achieving anything.. That's what housework is all about. Noone says thanks, the floors are lovely and clean or yay, there's milk in the fridge. You don't get better at dispensing Calpol. It's a very different sort of work to paid employment but if your priorities are being there for DCs and supporting a ft DP working exhausting hours, it makes sense.
You are "achieving" raising a family in a way that you feel happy with (assuming you've chosen a mainly SAH lifestyle).
SAHPs need to change their expectations of 'job fulfillment' if they've previously held intellectually challenging paid roles. They're not comparable.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2013 00:11

ClippedPhoenix

I'm a SAHM with school aged children. I'm happy, the kids are happy, my DH is happy.

Basically it works for us.

Yet I found your post at 23:54:12, incredibly offensive and quite ignorant.

Us homemakers and carers end our days knowing we did the right thing by bringing children into this world, not farming them out and actually unfashionably looking after them ourselves

Farming them out? Really??

You do realise not everyone has a choice in whether they go out to work or stay home with their kids, don't you?