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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to pick up my SIL's kids every Tuesday

55 replies

Ghanagirl · 29/01/2013 14:10

Y five year old twins go to the same school as my husbands 2 older nieces. In October my sis in law asked me to pick up kids and take them to after school classes, I was happy to do it as a once off but she now expects me to do it every week as she works and I don't at present. I just feel she's taking advantage as she asked me to babysit on Saturday as she had to go to a distant relatives funeral

and got really cross when I said I couldn't, she then said my DH should also be going and that I was stoping him from taking part in cultural traditions! My DH said to ignore her but he doesn't really stand up to her, sorry about the rambling but would like to know what others would do in my situation

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/01/2013 14:19

So why isn't DH going? Why can't she get a babysitter?
If she got angry with me I'd put the phone down. She was asking you for a favour and you couldn't do it so she should say 'thanks anyway I'll find alternative'! Not be horrible to you.
Not sure if YABU or not. Does she thank you and get you little presents for helping her out?

Fairyegg · 29/01/2013 14:20

depends, is it just a case of picking up the kids and dropping them off at a near by after school activity and leaving them there or is it picking them up, coming back home for drinks / snacks, taking them out again and having to stay for after school activity and then taking them home for tea? Why couldn't you look after them whilst she attended a funeral?

VonHerrBurton · 29/01/2013 14:20

Ok so you need to simply say 'its not convenient to pick your dc up on Tuesdays any more im afraid' no further explanation required. I know it sounds a bit hard faced, but take it from one who's been exactly where you are ( me! ) it won't get any better and you will just get more and more resentful.

How does your dh feel? Its his sister after all, if you really don't feel up to telling her its inconvenient, he needs to have it out with her.

It caused a huge rift between a friend if mine and I in a very similar situation. I wish I could have my time again and be more forthright as there's an atmosphere now between us.

ChaoticintheNewYear · 29/01/2013 14:24

YANBU Tell her you cannot commit to every Tuesday. What would happen if your DC were off school ill?

VonHerrBurton · 29/01/2013 14:26

The thing is fairyegg, it started with just dropping them off at school - we live a few doors away, silly for us both to do the same run, you don't mind do you bla bla to could you just wait for elder ds who is at high school, he will only be 20 mins, could you drop them at my mums instead of home, could you keep them for an hour...

That's what happened to me. It was all one way and I just lost it one day. Its best dealt with now.

PandaOnAPushBike · 29/01/2013 14:29

Is this the same SIL who took you, your husband and your kids into her home while yours was having work done for several months? If so, YABU. You seem to be more than happy to take but very, very resentful of having to give.

Fairyegg · 29/01/2013 14:29

in your situation vonherrburton I would have said something along the lines of great, I'll do one week you do the next and certainly wouldn't be hanging around for 20 minutes for an elder child. I agree you have to be clear at the beginning and there needs to be a bit of give and take from both parties but i don't think the op has given enough information to fairly judge, and for me you somehow its a bit different if its family.

WaynettaSlobsLover · 29/01/2013 14:32

What does your sil mean by 'cultural traditions?'

DeWe · 29/01/2013 14:33

Find something you are doing on Tuesday (even if it's the dc going to a friend's house) so you can't do it for a while. She'll be much more appreciative if she finds you can't do it most weeks.

dreamingofsun · 29/01/2013 14:33

if what panda says is correct then i think you are our of order. families are normally about give and take - and it may not be balanced one year, but over time it should. if you stayed at her house then its time you gave.

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 29/01/2013 14:50

Yes it is the same SIL who took us in for two weeks, but I was picking up kids prior to this and if you read the other thread not only had we previously put them up for 2 months prior to us having kids, on both occasions when we lived with them for 2wreeks and they with us for months I ended up looking after her children. Didn't mind so much before I had my own even though I was working full time, but when you have your own kids you are too knackerd to act as unpaid help for someone else's kids as well. I couldn't look after her kids Saturday as have to take my kids to tennis plus our builders still in its bad enough having two kids under their feet

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghanagirl · 29/01/2013 14:56

By cultural traditions she means attending funerals christenings etc for people you barely know because your from same region, My husband is from Ghana and all his siblings have married people from same background except him so when do anything they don't approve of they use it as an excuse to denigrate my culture

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Ragwort · 29/01/2013 14:59

Surely these children are your neices/nephews (unless I am reading it wrong Confused - can you say something like you are more than happy to help and perhaps your children could go to their house occasionally or could she babysit for you?

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 29/01/2013 15:03

She said thanks first few times but now just texts to say girls will be waiting at such and such place, I wouldn't mind so much but when we meet up at family occasions she barely says a word to me she talks to her sister and our other sis in law as she is also from Ghana. She also makes negative comments about the way I bring up my twins particularly my son saying he's to babyish clingy etc

OP posts:
WaynettaSlobsLover · 29/01/2013 15:04

Ghana out of interest where are you from? And does your dh know the situation?

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 29/01/2013 15:06

My children especially my son are scared of her she shouts all the time, even I find her a bit aggressive, so I wouldn't leave them with her,

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghanagirl · 29/01/2013 15:11

Waynetta, I was born here my grandparents are from the Caribbean, my sis in law said to me when I first met her that DH only liked me because I was pretty but that he would never marry someone who wasn't from Ghana, she did apologise when DH asked her if it was true

OP posts:
Yfronts · 29/01/2013 17:07

I can't see the problem with helping out a bit. Can you ask her to return the favor by babysitting in the evenings.

Next time she texts you to pick them up - say you can't this week or say yes and ask her to babysit for you one evening.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 29/01/2013 17:24

On one hand i think its nice to have that sort of relationship where your kids are in and out of each others houses, at the same school etc.
just remember there may be a day you need her, If she is the sort of person to happily reciprocate then id say do it. If not then dont.

DeepRedBetty · 29/01/2013 17:29

I think you need to find an activity on Tuesday afternoons that means you won't be able to do this any more. There must be SOMETHING your boys would like to do that's in the opposite direction to wherever she wants her lot taken..

chanie44 · 29/01/2013 17:39

Unless the after school activities are really inconvenient eg on the other side of town and it takes 2 hours and 3 buses to get there, I think you should hello out. It's only 1 day a week and term time only I assume.

I come from a family where we are expected to to support each other and I understand it can a pain at times. However without sounding like Peggy from eastenders 'If you can't rely on family, who can you rely on'.

There could be a time when you need help from dh's family and I guess in some ways you reap what you sow.

However, I think you need to deal with the respect issues and ensure that sil Is respectful towards you.

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 29/01/2013 17:44

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter, relationship only goes one way my two are scared of her and I wouldn't make them stay or let her babysit as she shouts particularly at my boy (I've got boy/girl twins) she has 2 girls and desperately wanted a boy so think she has issues with my son. Even my DH is not keen for them to spend time there unless one of is is present, she works but doesn't want to pay for child care so her DH drops kids at school and she gets various friends to pick them up until they get fed up

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Bobyan · 29/01/2013 17:55

So if it's as bad as you say it is (and frankly thinking back to your other thread, I'm not convinced) why don't you just stop doing it? You clearly can't stand her.

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 29/01/2013 18:16

Bobyan
I thought each thread was separate
I don't "hate" anyone just don't feel it's right to palm your kids off on someone else, don't mind helping out but with 5 year old twins my hands are full if I wanted two more I would have had my own plus she's working and so should organise proper child care arrangements for her own kids stability and happiness

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RedHelenB · 29/01/2013 18:21

I think YABU, It's a small slot of time one afternoon a week.