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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a large percentage of couples break up?

56 replies

Lostaway · 29/01/2013 00:33

Sorry to be a downer.

I was having a stalk look on Facebook. A girl I met when I worked abroad three months, lovely girl had been with her boyfriend three years. She had even moved to Australia to live with him, he was then flying over to France to see her. Has now put on Facebook that she's single.

One of my exs left me for another girl. On paper they sounded perfect together - same age, same friends, same career and even from the same city and yet they broke up 8 months later (I am a little smug about that though.)

A couple I know had a baby together, been together a year before that too. Got married when he was 2 and a month later they'd broken up.

Obviously not all relationships fail, and some do and after some time you get back together but it just seems like a large percentage of couples really don't make it.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/01/2013 00:38

Gosh yes, it's quite rare to meet someone who is still with their partner after 20+ years and who have kids with just the one parent.

I'm divorced and remarried...2 kids with exH and 1 with current DH.

I think something like 2 out of 3 long term relationships fail.

Booyhoo · 29/01/2013 00:47

i'm not really sure why this is news to anyone. Confused

of course a large percentage of relationships break up. if they didn't then everyone would be with their first partner for the rest of their lives.

Original poster
Lostaway · 29/01/2013 00:48

Yes, I thought my long distance relationship would last and we were even engaged. Yet he broke it off without even an explanation - he even changed his number so I couldn't contact him.

He was probably seeing someone else. With long distance you both have to be 100% committed to that relationship - it one of you isn't then it's never going to work.

I do really wish my friend and her boyfriend would break up though. Only because I love her and think he is the most immature and annoying person I have ever met in my life! Last week we had a group lunch. The bill came at the end with mints and he started throwing the mints at people Hmm - I have a feeling that is unfortunately going to be the 1 out of 3 long term relationships that doesn't fail.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 29/01/2013 00:50

Me and dh have been married for 20 years together 24 years, 3 dc with the same dad. I didn't think it was too unusual until a sw visited us (had been referee for friends to adopt) and she congratulated us, thought at first a bit tongue in cheek but it seems it is unusual. Must have been lucky I guess or flaming stupid, lol. When we first got together our friends and family gave us 6 months at the longest. I love him just as much today and we are true soul mates. He shags other women all the time though and hates me.
Only joking, didn't want to sound smug. I still realise though it could all end tomorrow, doesn't do to be complacent.

Original poster
Lostaway · 29/01/2013 00:51

Booyhoo I'm referring more to couples that you actually think would make it.

Like the example I gave. The french girl went on holiday to Australia and met a guy there. She barely spoke English and yet left all her friends and family behind to live with him and start a new life. They had a house together and had been together at least three years.

I heard her speaking to him on the phone all the time, never arguing etc. He flew over to France where she was working to meet her family, they posted lots of happy photos of them in France and then Oktober Fest etc.

And then boom she says shes single again.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 29/01/2013 01:12

nope, still dont get why this is news to you. why would you thinking they would 'make it' mean they are less likely to split up? life happens, people change, people do things that damage relationships. people aren't the same throughout their lives so it is unsurprising that alot of relationships break up. people aren't programmed to mate for life.

Booyhoo · 29/01/2013 01:13

and nor should they be.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/01/2013 01:13

Hmm, the question is how you define "a couple". I had various boyfriends and a couple of longer-term relationships, including a "live together" situation, before I married dh, but I knew none of them (inc the living together one) were forever.

When I met DH I knew it would work, and almost 30 years later it still does.

I think too many people these days [old gimmer emoticon] expect their ohs to be perfect, the whole "soul mates" shite, that's just not going to happen. Some give up on their relationships far too soon, some have dc far too early.

And I say that as one who met dh just after I turned 21, married at 22, and gave birth at 24. We had ups and downs, but by far the worst time was the year after DS1 was born. The stresses a first baby brings are enormous, and I feel sad that so many couples break up at that time.

MurderOfGoths · 29/01/2013 01:14

My family is split almost exactly 50/50 on who has stayed together and who hasn't.

bruffin · 29/01/2013 01:20

There are 6 of us who have lunch every week. I have been with dh 25 years and married 21 and all the others have been with their dh longer than I have. We are all around 50

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/01/2013 01:20

I have three siblings, we're all on our first marriages except for one, who has been married to her second for over 20 years.

payingtherent · 29/01/2013 01:29

I'd say 90% of my extended family (many aunts, uncles and cousins) have remained married. We're all quite traditional though and it's frowned upon to cohabit/have dc out of wedlock. So, I'd be surprised to hear of any relationship breakup amongst my relatives. DH's family is a bit less traditional, but still probably over 80% staying together.

Amongst my friends, I think about 70% of the cohabiting/dating relationships have failed but only one of the marriages.

Booyhoo · 29/01/2013 01:30

hang on, are we only talking marriages here? those who have been with DH/DP long term, is he your only relationship?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/01/2013 01:43

I think very few "very first" relationships last (although of course some do). I'm glad I had a few bfs before I met dh, they gave me a measure of what I'd accept and what I wouldn't.

payingtherent · 29/01/2013 02:01

Oh, I had lots of boyfriends before I met DH Grin. But I didn't introduce any of them to family and didn't live with any of them. I don't really hear about most of my family's relationships unless it gets to a cohabit/marriage level of seriousness either. I tend not to take much notice of friends' relationships until it gets to that stage either.

Mosman · 29/01/2013 02:10

I've been married to DH for 10 years, prior to that none of my relationships lasted more than a year, i knew they weren't the one so moved swiftly on.

HollyBerryBush · 29/01/2013 06:25

it's quite rare to meet someone who is still with their partner after 20+ years and who have kids with just the one parent

really???? not in my circles it isn't. It's the norm.

theplodder · 29/01/2013 07:29

think some of this is situational. all my friends have all been with their partners and havent broken up , children within marriage etc for 20 years, as have i with mine.

I do think "birds of a feather" flock together and if your friendship group is full of divorcees , serial marriers, broken homes with children by several different fathers, and other such types who can't make a relationship work,then you're probably going to be the same sort of person yourself, and you think it's normal.

Most marriages survive til death of one partner and for many people they marry their first serious girlfriend / boyfriend. So i don't agree that most relationships fail.

jojane · 29/01/2013 08:12

In my circle of friends pretty much everyone has been with their partner 10+ years, got several kids together. Compare that to our families - mum married an divorced twice and been with current partner 20 years though, sis who had split with long term boyf, had baby very soon with next boyf, split up when nephew was a baby and how with someone else, aunt and uncle split after years of marraige, mil had several long term partners and kids with 2 of them, Dhs aunt had kid while she was having affair with married man, Dhs nan and grandad split up years ago when people didn't really do that sort of thing although then went on to have long term relationships.

MajesticWhine · 29/01/2013 08:20

I can only think of 1 or two broken marriages out of the people that I know. Most people have made it 10 years or more, some more like 20.

musicposy · 29/01/2013 08:27

All of my circle of friends are still with their DHs, some (including me) after 20 years or more. But a few years ago we went for IVF because we'd been trying so long for number 3 (never happened sadly) and most of the healthcare professionals were a bit taken aback that I was doing this with the same man who was father to my teenagers. So must seem quite rare to them, I guess.

BertieBotts · 29/01/2013 08:28

"Such types who can't make a relationship work" Shock Charming! I'm glad your life is so perfect theplodder Hmm

I'm such a different person to who I was when I first started seriously dating. There's no way I'd have been happy with DP back then, and he probably wouldn't have liked me. And if I'd stayed with XP I'd be very miserable by now.

There's loads of crap in society too about (women in particular) putting up with shit in relationships so so many relationships which are unhealthy get past that initial dating stage when they really shouldn't. I know some couples who would make great friends but don't really work together as a couple, but they keep going anyway even though they get upset/annoyed by one another all the time. It's a shame.

abcdangel · 29/01/2013 08:51

I'm with Holly - in my circles all couples have been together for 15+ years. All are married and in all the families bar 1, the children have the same 2 parents (one lady's 1st husband left her with a young baby).

LaQueen · 29/01/2013 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morethanpotatoprints · 29/01/2013 15:37

Oldlady

Hey, speak for yourself Smile. Dh and I met and became soul mates and it is this that has helped us through the ups and downs over the past 20+ years. I'm not saying its essential to all good relationships but it helped us. I can talk to him about anything, have no secrets and feel like we are good friends foremost.