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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:26

Hopandsock - if he was given time to actually build a relationship with his child then he would be perfectly capable of providing comfort and baby would be more than content with his DAD.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:27

the OP's description in last post was Disney dad. When it suits him hardly sounds like he's "been there since the beginning" with any consistancy dreaming.
And it said she had concerns about her inappropriateness and his lack of boundaries before they moved in together, so its hardly like she just made up the cheating Hmm Why bother even reading the thread if you think the OP is lying.

Lovelygoldboots · 28/01/2013 20:27

Well I do respect what you are saying hop. And I dont know the ops ex. But I think if I had split with my dp he couldve done it. Not all fathers are same though.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:28

Huh hum. It's HopAndSkip, not flipping sock Shock

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 20:29

If he's been there with the baby everyday since birth how has he had time to be moving in with a new gf.

It sounds very much like they were not togather for 6 months he stayed living at her house whilst going off and having a new relationship but moved out before the birth.

At least that's what it implys to me,

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:31

I do understand I'm going by my experience of what dads can be like, while you're going by yours of what they can be like.

But just putting the point there that they aren't all lovely dedicated dads who are desperate to spend hours with their beloved children. Some couldn't give a toss and only want to see them when it suits to play daddy or show them off for a bit.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:31

using a child to punish the dad is unacceptable - regardless

Bonsoir · 28/01/2013 20:32

What exactly do you think is going to happen to a baby who doesn't see his/her father for more than a few hours every few weeks for the first year of his/her life?

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:32

How's it to punish the dad? It's to make sure the child is happy and secure. The dad's feelings are irrelevant.

Lovelygoldboots · 28/01/2013 20:34

Hop, what you are saying is true also. If you have an ex like that then the ops situation sounds.much less clear cut.

NellyBluth · 28/01/2013 20:35

I really want bonsoir to come back and explain that comment, though I'm hoping it is a joke Shock

Lovelygoldboots · 28/01/2013 20:35

By that I mean your perception is going to be different.

Daddelion · 28/01/2013 20:36

'The dad's feelings are irrelevant.'

Hmmmm. For how long?

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:37

Bonsoir- Clearly they will grow up to be dysfunctional, disturbed adults who greatly suffer by not having those important overnights at 4m/o and have no relationship with their dads due to this. I'll keep an eye on my DD and let you know.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 20:38

Hop I think the comment was aimed at both of us hence the change to sock.

The problem with threads like this is so many people don't know when there being shits or when there are valid reasons for concerns.

If your a primary carer whose unfairly restricting contact is hard to see it just as it is if your a none primary carer who exhibits behaviour that any reasonable person would have concerns about.

If you've been subject to the other parent in your life doing one or the other then its hard to see beyond that.

I.e I have in my life an ex who can't be unsupervised with kids so I tend to draw on that experance.

Someone whose had an ex who alienated them would tend to draw on that experance.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:38

daddelion. They are never relevant, just like the mums aren't. The child is the important one...

feministefatale · 28/01/2013 20:40

Um, no. YANBU. And I wouldn't allow it.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:41

Sorry HopandSkip, it was a typo.

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

Bollocks HopandSkip that it's to make sure the child is happy and secure; those 2 paragraphs from the OP above make it perfectly clear what this is about. Bitterness, jealousy and control, nothing more. (Although I do understand why the OP feels this way - doesn't make it right though)

feministefatale · 28/01/2013 20:42

Well exactly, hopandskip. Adults often forget these things.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:45

and the rights of the child to have a healthy relationship with both parents are vital

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:45

There is a reason the court doesn't order overnights for under 1's, and why 2-3 visits for 1-2 hours at a time is recommended for this age. They are babies, not possessions to be shared out.

Original poster
dollyindub · 28/01/2013 20:45

To clarify: he continued to live with me because it was cheaper and more convenient for him, not for any altruistic reasons. He didn't give a crap about me or the baby when I was pregnant. He admits that now and says he was selfish Hmm

He only attended the birth because I begged him to. I was deeply concerned about his lack of interest and thought it would help seeing his child come into the world. I had a friend on standby as birthing partner.
He was carrying on with OW during my pregnancy. I think his negative reaction was partly to do with his involvement with her.

OP posts:
hrrumph · 28/01/2013 20:46

Well if it were me (and I fully appreciate it's not and i have no idea how badly he's treated you) I would be, going forward, trying to ensure my dc had the best possible outcome from this.

IMV the best thing for dc would be to have a good relationship with you both, with as little stress as possible in the circumstances.

Presumably at some time or other he is going to have access. And it would be better for your ds if your ex knew exactly what his needs are and how to care for him.

It would also be good if your ds just saw it as a natural part of life to spend some time with you and some time with him.

As such I'd perhaps let him take ds for a couple of hours initially but not overnight and not without a legal/formal agreement.

But as I haven't been through this, I'm probably not the best to advise. From an outside point of view though, this is how I'd see it.

Goldmandra · 28/01/2013 20:46

OP, people keep telling you that no court will order overnight access for your exP.

I have skimmed through again and didn't see you say which country you are in. If you haven't mentioned it I fail to see how anyone could know what a court is likely to order.

PLEASE go and get proper advice from someone who knows the system in your country.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:47

gordy, you wouldn't even be aware if you hadn't seen your mum or dad for the first year of your life. It in no way affects their relationships health. Otherwise how would adoptions work past a few months old.

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