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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 19:39

and being told your dad is 'scum' will in no way damage you Hmm

thankfully most lone parents put their childrens needs first

Blistory · 28/01/2013 19:43

OP, everyone understands that a relationship breaking down is tough. And it makes it even tougher when you don't get a clean break and he gets to waltz into a lovely shiney new life while you're left picking up the pieces.

That doesn't mean he's going to be a bad father.

You haven't provided any reasons for denying him proper access in your opening post other than you're hurting. You said you wanted clarity ? Well, you hurting doesn't mean that you get to dictate your baby's right to have both parents in his life. It isn't going to be easy but you can make it easier if you can come to peace with what happened and not allow it to colour your view of him as a parent.

FWIW I think he was a horrible partner to you but that's his problem, not yours.

Original poster
dollyindub · 28/01/2013 19:49

Ok well I think I'll leave this now. Once again thanks to all of you who bothered to post and give me your opinions. I didn't expect everyone to agree with me, and many of you didn't but put it kindly. Thanks for that - food for thought.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 19:51

Dolly it gets better - keep your chin up and be angry if it helps - but separate that from the father/son thing x

wannabedomesticgoddess · 28/01/2013 19:51

This thread is shocking.

Fathers are no less important than mothers.

Noone should have to stay in a relationship they are not happy in.

No woman should ever use the kids as a weapon. Its vile. Anyone who thinks this is ok should be ashamed of themselves. Children are not ours. They are their own people who will grow into their own life.

Lord knows I cannot stand my ex. Or his partner. But I slept with him. I created a child. He treated me like utter shit for years, abused me, stole from me, still tries to control me now.

But I have no right to keep him from his child because he has given me no cause to.

Its a difficult situation. I understand emotions run high. But at some point you will have to do the right thing. The sooner you do that the better for your DS.

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 19:52

dollyindub a court will not compell you to allow overnight access at this age.
You should consult a solicitor to discuss reasonable access arrangements for your ds to his father. Your ds has the right to see his father and at some stage it is probable that you would be compelled to allow unsupervised access outside of your home. All decisions should be made with ds interests being paramount. Your lawyer should be able toguide you in this. Not sure where you're living so can't be exactly clear re: legal position but that's gist in general.

I really feel for you.
I am also shocked and saddened by the harshness towards you of some of the comments on this thread. Anyone who actually knows anything about
Attachment, emotional development and mothering will understand that it is not reasonable for your ex to have your ds stay overnight at this stage.

Good luck. This situation will get easy as time goes on.

thebody · 28/01/2013 19:56

No not for me op. 4 months far too young for overnight away from mom.

Bonsoir · 28/01/2013 19:58

Honestly - babies don't need to see their fathers much. Fathers might want to see their babies, but all babies need are their mothers (and their mothers need another adult - not necessarily the father - to provide a bit of respite).

Blistory · 28/01/2013 20:01

How many times ? Babies dont give a damn if the primary carer is a man, woman or talking chimpanzee. As long as they are cared for, fed, watered, their needs met.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:07

Honestly - babies don't need to see their fathers much. Fathers might want to see their babies, but all babies need are their mothers (and their mothers need another adult - not necessarily the father - to provide a bit of respite).

Unbelievable Shock

Lovelygoldboots · 28/01/2013 20:09

What s load of rubbish Bonsoir. Not even helpful to the op.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:10

Once they are used to their mother, they need their mother. Some of the P.C shit on this thread is ridiculous.
If dad's want "equal parenting" then they need to be putting equal time, effort and money in from the start not just when it suits them to begin making demands for their rights.

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 20:11

But this primary carer IS the mother.

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 20:12

And yes, I agree with Hop about she PC bollocks.

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 20:12

The, not she.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:13

Oh and also, if a dad really cares about his unborn baby then he would be better off not cheating on the mum carrying it, as i'm sure every adult is aware stress on pregnant women affects the baby.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:14

he didm't cheat

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:16

Hopandskip - how the hell is the dad meant to put in equal parenting when the mum won't let him. He has tried to be involved throughout but has only been allowed restricted access - the Mum is hurting at him ending their relationship

Lovelygoldboots · 28/01/2013 20:17

Every situation is different, but it is not pc bollocks to say that a father is more than capable of looking after a baby. But of course it depends on the father.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:18

*because the Mum is hurting

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 20:18

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with overnights until the baby was a bit older.

We're not talking about a committed and involved dad who has been there day to day since birth. And I would question the commitment of someone who wished to treat a new gf as a step mum so soon into the relationship especially if the gf has been happy to do so with her own child.

Yanbu to not be happy with overnights but yabu to try and prevent a decent relationship being built up with dad just because he's now living with the gf but he would bur to start off on that footing with ds and the gf.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:19

And FYI yes he was shagging her behind my back whilst cocklodging with me
Unless you know more about OP's situation than she does, it appears he was cheating.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:21

Lovely I don't doubt he would probably be more than capable of looking after the baby as in feeding, changing, bathing. But that doesn't mean he's capable of comforting, reassuring why mum has suddenly left him, reassuring of why he's in a strange place with strange people, and getting him to sleep. Thats the issue, he's too young to understand.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:22

Sockreturning - but he has been there since the beginning. He lived with the OP for 6 months after they split up, was there for the birth and has been having contact (subject to the OP's rules) during his 4 month life. What more can he do if the OP won't let him?!!

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:22

Not in the OP - so I think that's been said to skew the story sorry

still doesn't mean that a child doesn't deserve a relationship with their dad

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