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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:47

he was single during your pregnancy though - so not carrying on at all - you said you slit up when you found out you where pregnant.

he wants contact with his son - that is a GOOD thing - drop the anger and be the better person

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:48

Hop children bond with people other than their mums from a very early age - or do you think bonding isn't improtant

adoptions often fail for that reason

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 20:49

Not breezy about my attitude op, just a little bit more mature and less selfish than someone who uses a child as a pawn

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:49

I think you are drip feeding a little OP

Daddelion · 28/01/2013 20:49

Well, surely the mother's feelings are irrelevant too?

So if the father is capable of looking after his child there shouldn't be a problem.

At the moment he's not allowed to see his son away from the mother.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:51

If she was using the child as a pawn she wouldn't be allowing any access and he wouldn't have been at the birth.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:51

Well Hop, the Op should have no problem handing THEIR baby over for overnight contact, will she. After all being without a parent has no impact on their relationship or health

elizaregina · 28/01/2013 20:52

DOlly I knew someone whose partner cheated on her, they went to mediation and when he moaned that she told him to back off from her and the 5 year old son for 3 months the mediator told him he was lucky and she knew of couples where the woman had banned the man from seeing children for alot longer than that.

As the primary care giver of a small child I would say look after yourself at the moment and dont let anyone bully you or make you feel bad.

You have to do what it takes to first of all keep your sanity, may I remind you and other posters - that many women in the most stable and secure family unit when they have had a baby can suffer from a range of mental health problems. Let alone having a baby then finding yourself in this predicament.

As others said - seek advice find out exactly where you stand - dont be bullied and concentrate on yourself. If you need some space without harrasment - so be it.

After a while you will feel differnet - and then - review the situation.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 20:53

but she isnt allowing access, not overnight anyway, and only at her home, if she wasnt using him she would be happy for her ex to have proper contact

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:53

but she is - she wont allow him access in his home - only away from his partner of the last 14 months - he is in a relationship - this is part of his life - why should he be forced to pretend otherwise because the OP is bitter?

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:53

I repeat, 2 paragraphs of the OP make it plain to see what her motives are. And it certainly isn't concern for her son's welfare

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:54

Daddelion that's exactly what I said, mothers and fathers feelings are irrelevant, well done Smile

And the problem is he is capable of the basic care any adult is capable of. He is not capable of comforting the baby yet. I don't see why the baby should be left to cry for hours in a strange place before he understands why, just because his parents don't get on and his dad isn't prepared to either put the extra hours in to get to know him, or wait a few months.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 20:55

Dreaming It's nothing to do with who's a parent or not, its who the baby is happy and secure with. So no, it's not fair on the baby to be away from his mum before he's ready.

Original poster
dollyindub · 28/01/2013 20:56

Not meaning to drip feed. It's long and complicated and I thought I included the basic facts in the OP, but people have been making assumptions and judgements that were incorrect.
Anyway, I've taken enough of a bashing for one day and DS is crying. Thanks again to those of you who were kind with your words even if you thought IWBU.

OP posts:
Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 20:56

Please lay off the OP a bit. This is mumsnet, not make mumsfeellikeshitnet.
She is a single parent to a 4 m.o baby whose father has fucked off after cheating on her. (this was pretty clear from the op btw )
Of course she's feeling upset. It's uncalled for to use terms like bitter and controlling.
OP has to make decisions about what's best for her child. This is not a game where the absent father gets to have equal dibs just to be playing fair. 4 months of age is too young to go overnight to these ppl - fact. The accusation that this young baby is being used as a weapon and a pawn is u justified.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 20:57

'And the problem is he is capable of the basic care any adult is capable of. He is not capable of comforting the baby yet'

and you know this how? you must know him personally? you must have seen him with this child to know this, yes?

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 20:57

Unjustified. Pls excuse my iPad.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:57

what/?????? not capable of comforting a baby????? blimey - that's not my experience

do you know the OP Hop - what makes you think the baby will be left to 'cry for hours' - what an odd statement

the mans partner has a child and has experience with babies

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 20:57

But the OP hasn't said the baby isn't ready has she. Again, re-read the OP - that says why she is restricting access

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 20:58

I feel like i'vesteppeed into a fathers for justice forum.

Off to bed now this threads is becoming depressing.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:58

Emily - with respect she hasn't - read the OP - her motives are about her feelings not her child

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 20:59

oh and Emily it's not father's for justice it's doing what's best for everyone and allowing a child to bond with a perfectly normal dad

millie30 · 28/01/2013 21:00

Unfortunately for parents, when a relationship breaks down the only person who matters is the DC. A 4 month old baby needs to be with its main carer, in this case (and most cases) its mother. If that means that the non resident parent is annoyed and doesn't think it is fair that they aren't getting equal time, overnights etc then that comes under the category of too bad. The baby's needs come first.

elizaregina · 28/01/2013 21:00

Doilly you have posted too soon, get them to back off and leave you to recover from this ordeal...you need to recover and keep yourself sane....

I am sure when you have recovered a bit in the next year or whenever you will be able to think about access etc.

Not four months after you have had a baby and had this horrid ordeal. Its too much and he should be backing off too and leaving you in peace.

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 21:00

I have read the op.
We disagree.