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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 28/01/2013 17:59

its his child as well. you need to get over this and quickly for your sons benefit. not allowing access overnight because you dont feel its best for your son and IF you have a good reason is completely different to not allowing it because youre bitter and its sounds like the latter. understandable maybe but you have many years of coparenting to come with this man. and if he chooses to introduce his son to his new partner thats unfortunately none of your business just as you would presumably not allow him a say in when you intro your child to any new partners of yours.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 18:01

Why TepidCoffee?

McNewPants2013 · 28/01/2013 18:04

To me I think the younger the better, it will be normal to them.

After 2 years of never sleeping away from home it will be a huge change

TheProvincialLady · 28/01/2013 18:23

See a solicitor and get a court order in place, for the reasons that Mosman stated earlier on. Over my dead body would my 4 month old baby be going on overnight visits anywhere with anyone, and I wouldn't care how many women choose or have to send their babies to a childminder. The OP doesn't have to send her baby for an overnighter and why on earth should she? It will do the baby no good at all in terms of his relationship with his father. The OP is the baby's primary carer, doing all the shitwork all the time, and the baby wants to be with her. Why should the father have any kind of right to upset baby and mother at this time, when as it has been pointed out repeatedly in this thread, no court would make them? Just don't do it OP. Build up contact and care gradually and think about overnight stays when your son turns 1.

Blistory · 28/01/2013 18:28

See a solicitor and get a court order in place

Or learn how to effectively co-parent with this man. You have the rest of your life with this man in it, in some capacity. Much better surely to have a relationship that provides your child with security. Both of you need a say in residency, the provision of education, medical treatment, financial support, holidays, discipline etc etc. It doesn't need to be competitive or hostile.

Or as suggested above, you could race into Court and turn it into a battle without even giving it a chance.

kilmuir · 28/01/2013 18:30

the baby is young , but does not mean he should be with mother ALL the time. If you were still with the father I assume you would leave them together.
Like it or not you sound very bitter. He will always be the father , deal with it and you need to move on.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 18:36

Or learn how to effectively co-parent with this man.

^^ THIS

The OP is not worried about her child - it's term's like 'love nest' and 'playing happy families' - her issue is with his new relationship - jealousy should not stop a child seeing it's father and a child should never be used to force them to be with you - sorry OP but you need to accept he is with her

DoubleYew · 28/01/2013 18:41

OP you are in a very difficult situation. I have the same thing with my ex setting up home ridiculously quickly with a new gf. It hurts my feelings. Plus it reinforces the idea that he is not being terribley responsible towards ds, wanting to introduce him to a new partner so soon, thinking of his own needs/wants rather than putting ds first.

However, it is in ds' interests to know his father. Personally I don't get the big deal about wanting overnights, they are (hopefully) asleep so what major use is that for bonding? This also leads me to think it is more about 'playing families' than building a relationship. Surely spending regular time when they are awake looking into a tiny baby's eyes, talking to them so they get to know their face and voice is more useful for building a relationship. On the otherhand, if he continues to be involved, overnights will be a part of that as he learns that this is dad's home and he is welcome there. And it may well be easier if he has being staying there since he was very young, so he is used to being away from you, because that is what it will involve whatever age he is.

However, only you know yourself as a mother, your baby and his dad. After 4 months your baby will have a strong attachment to you. Depending how much time he regularly spends with his dad he will also have an attachment to him. He may cope with being away from you. But from a child's point of view nights are not the same as day, it is dark and we don't know how much babies dream or are scared of shadows, noises etc at night that can scare older children. Some babies may be fine, some not, you can't know until you try. It is a hard choice to make because there is no perfect solution for you (if dad dropped off the planet, that is bad for ds, if he takes him, it could be hard on everyone).

If/when it happens, pay attention to how your ds behaves afterwards. I don't think it's useful to get into a debate about 'damage' but it is a fact that young children who get stressed regularly produce high levels of cortisol that can alter their brain. They can only communicate by their behaviour, not sleeping, not eating, withdrawing are the only way babies can express themselves, they cannot tell you they are scared or worried about something.

It is important to act relaxed and friendly around your ex so ds picks up that this is a person that mummy trusts, which could help him to feel more relaxed too (even if it sticks in your throat to be friendly to him).

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2013 18:44

Very well put Blistory

What's the point in courts and fighting and all that animosity before trying to sensibly co-parent.

BelaLugosisShed · 28/01/2013 18:48

A man who fucks off/checks out of a relationship when his partner is pregnant, deserves no rights at all, ever, if that's what the mother wants.

If he wants to be a father now, tough shit, it should be on OP's terms.

A child is better off with no father at all than someone who betrayed his mother so blithely.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 18:49

utter rubbish Bela

ChocHobNob · 28/01/2013 18:52

"A child is better off with no father at all than someone who betrayed his mother so blithely."

I bet the child would feel differently.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2013 18:55

Oh FFS so people aren't allowed to split up now?

By your reckoning a pregnant woman should stay with her DH even if she hated him...or she wouldn't deserve any rights at all, ever.

Really?

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 18:56

adult relationships end - it's no reflection on anyones love for their kids

BelaLugosisShed · 28/01/2013 19:01

Yes, I'm sure it wouldn't affect you at all to know that your father left your mother because she was pregnant with you. Hmm

Finding something like that out as an adult can destroy a person.

BelaLugosisShed · 28/01/2013 19:04

"By your reckoning a pregnant woman should stay with her DH even if she hated him...or she wouldn't deserve any rights at all, ever."

That's not what I mean at all.

I am specifically talking about the situation where a man leaves his partner when she is pregnant, because she is pregnant.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 19:20

peoples feelings aren't allowed to change either then - so a woman who books a termination them changes her mind when she see's the scan has not rights ?

not wanting to be a parent and becoming a parent are different things and views can change

Floralnomad · 28/01/2013 19:23

We only have the OPs word for that being the reason they split and the OP has been rather absent from this thread and not responded to lots of questions.

DoubleYew · 28/01/2013 19:26

Flora, give her a break, she said she was going to feed the baby and she is probably doing bedtime now, on her own, because she is a lone parent.

Original poster
dollyindub · 28/01/2013 19:26

Ok so this may be the longest reply ever! Sorry for delay, teething DS and broken back door to mend.
I debated whether or not to post in AIBU and some of the posts have been probably not surprisingly, quite blunt and a little hurtful.
But I appreciate people taking time to post regardless.

I am not breast feeding DS due to medication.
We don't live in the UK
I do not 'supervise' my ex with our DS, he takes him out, I just wanted opinions on whether IWBU re his demands to see him at his place.
He also sees him at my place.

To reply to a few individuals:

JenaiMorris - I don't know what she (OW) thinks. I don't know her. Ex is becoming a father figure to her DD so I suppose she would have to accommodate DS too.

Myroomisatip - thanks!

Mosman/Sallyinforth - yes ex is on birth cert. Maintenance = random amounts, generous enough but not regular.

Missy Moo - I've asked myself that. I don't think so. I just feel he's too young at the moment.

Jenai Morris - OW's child is 5 & she lives with them. I agree with you, I think OW has been foolish as they've never even dated to my knowledge. Were friends and then moved in together...

KellyElly - I'm trying really hard not to be bitter believe me! It's all happened so quickly and he keeps telling me to move on. I don't want to spend this precious time with my baby with all this shit going on.

HopAndSkip - thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head. He had never lived with us since DS was born. DS knows some of my friends better.

BonaDea - :-) I will, thanks

Worra - Disney dad. When it suits him

Cory - I'm really trying not to do that but because I have good and bad days it could appear that way I suppose. His dad can't settle him when he's upset for example. I stay out of the way and listen to it. I don't interfere unless ex asks me to.

WhatstheBuzz - exactly. I don't trust him. I did once

Mosman - thank you. I think he'll stick around but I'm fearful that she will become pregnant v quickly. I then wonder how much time he'll have for DS.

2wwmadness - sorry you are going through this too. Please PM if you want to

Vinegar Tits - your situation is nothing like mine. But lovely how you're so cool and breezy about it. Good for you. And FYI yes he was shagging her behind my back whilst cocklodging with me, hense my sounding "not happy, bitter and resentful".. How wonderfully reasonable you sound. My ex would love you.

Kilmuir and others who have told me to suck it up and deal with it - I am trying. I am in therapy and I am trying my best.

OP posts:
DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 19:29

What a load of crap Bela. He continued living with the OP for 6 months after ending the relationship, he didn't exactly leave her destitute. He has been involved throughout the pregnancy and the short life of his child. Just because he doesn't want to be with the OP doesn't mean he deserves to have his son used as ammunition against him.

You clearly think it does, and IMO that makes you a very bitter and twisted individual.

Original poster
dollyindub · 28/01/2013 19:29

Oh and Flora, I don't have to justify myself to you but for the record, I'm doing my best in difficult circumstances. I thought I was in a stable relationship and if I'd known he was dipping his wick elsewhere I'd have finished the relationship. He wasn't honest with me.
Please take your judgy pants and hoik them elsewhere.
Thanks

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 28/01/2013 19:33

Actually I'm not being judgy , I was just pointing out that I'm sure his side of this tale would be very different to yours , I didn't ask you to justify anything to me and if you don't want opinions I suggest you put in future posts that you only want replies from people who agree with you !

Original poster
dollyindub · 28/01/2013 19:33

Iwantanafternoonnap - your post almost made me cry! Thanks for your kind words, you articulated exactly how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
BelaLugosisShed · 28/01/2013 19:38

Dolly - I'm not surprised you are feeling very bitter, you don't have to be "reasonable" , just do what you need to do to protect yourself and your baby, he lost all rights when he walked out on you to shack up with his affair-partner.
Men who do this to their pregnant partners are scum.