To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

[dollyindub]

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

Even removing the overnights from the equation, the OP is not, from my reading of this, willing to allow the baby's DF to have any cOntact outside of her home. I think this is unreasonable. The best case scenario for this child, at this stage, is that he will grow up with two loving, involved, competent parents and feel equally at home with both parents but how is the DF supposed to acheive any level of competency if he is only allowed supervised access in the OPs home. I agree over nights should only occur at the end of the bonding process but by this stage the process should be well underway and the child should be allowed to visit with his DF at his home.

Dreaming - YYY to Why is a child's relationship with its father so insignificant that it can be put on hold. I notice that a lot too. I don't think it is exactly relevant in this case, but I do notice it a lot and it makes me very sad.

But then I also find it sad that there are a lot of mums for whom Hop's comment about not leaving the baby alone with their DH sad too. Bf aside, which of course makes it complicated, dads are just as capable of looking after a young baby as a mum is. But there is this sort of unspoken belief that because the woman carried the baby for 9 months, she's somehow a better parent than the dad is. Obviously if a mum doesn't feel ready to be apart from her baby, that's one thing, and I know most mums don't feel ready when their babies are so young - but if it is purely down to not trusting their DH with the baby, that seems so unhealthy to me.

Titty she has no knowledge of this woman, thats the problem. All she knows is of her dubious decision to bring her DC to live with a man she barely knows. That wouldn't really install much confidence in me to leave my own child with her personally.

While she presumably knows how to look after a baby, it's not guaranteed she will want to look after someone elses child who is screaming all night and waking her child up. What if she has a habit of loosing her temper. OP literally knows nothing about her, I would at least meet someone before they spent a night with my DD.

PS V original name !!

HopandSkip- and lots of new Dads aren't leaving babies overnight with their DWs at that age but you know what, when they split up, the Dad (usually) has no choice but to do so. Why can't Mum do the same? Why is it one rule for Mum and one for Dad? Obviously the caveat is if she is breastfeeding and as the OP hasn't responded to the numerous comments on this point, I would assume that she is not.

at 4 months, a lot of mums aren't leaving babies overnight with their DH's -umm where do these dh go then?Are they kicked out the house to roam the streets at night? I thought it was quite common (unless dh works night shift) that babies were in the house with both parents at night time, so effectively in the evening once dh come home from work, parental responsiblities are shared.

Titty, I think HopandSkip meant that the Mums weren't leave the babies alone with DH overnight.

Dreaming, she said earlier she was off to feed the baby and would reply later once she's read everything so we dont know if she is BF or not yet.
And this isn't a case of dads been there every night and now they've split so DS is used to him looking after him at night. His dad hasn't been there from the start.

Hopandskip, the op doesn't have a right to know. It would be obviously be better if she and ex could get on and all parties (including new partners) could have civil relationships with each other but from reading the op, doesn't sound likely. When she leaves her dc with her ex, she is accepting that he is responsible for them in his time, and can delegate this responsibility to persons of his choice (be it new girlfriend/grandparents/childminder). Unless op has valid reasons for concern (and not knowing the new girlfriend is not valid) then op has to accept this.

YANBU. At all.

Oh, I see. Well perhaps she will answer the point about BF when she returns. In any event, BFeeding wouldn't prevent him having his baby for a few hours away away from OP's house. I have said that if she doesn't feel ready for overnight stays just yet, then she should talk to her Ex and try to compromise but she makes it quite clear from her original post that the reason she doesn't want him to have contact away from her house is nothing to do with what is in the best interests of her baby, but because the thought of her ex's girlfriend being anywhere near the baby makes her "feel physically sick," not because she doesn't think he is a good dad.

My last post was in response to HopandSkip

I went through this too, and at 4 months old, no...Not saying he can't see your child, but not for overnight. You may always see his new relationships as a "replacement" for what you COULD of had with him. A family. It does hurt. He is still the dad and visitations should be allowed. You can't prevent who is introduces to your child, on his time....

Good luck...

OP I feel your pain..but this is going to hurt at any age whether its 6 months or 6 years down the line and I am inclined to think that you should be tackling this sooner rather than later..my baby is nearly 4 months and at his age they are usually becoming familiar with their surroundings..so I would begin gradually handing him over.

I didn't have to prove myself to anyone before being allowed to have an active part in my child's life. What woman does ? Why does this man have to prove himself ? He is equally responsible for this child's financial and emotional security. If he fucks up, then time to revisit the matter.

At the moment he's going to be punished for something he might do and simply because the OP is hurting. It's not ideal for her but it's not just about her.

I went back to full time work when my DD was four months old. It was all the mat leave I could have at that time. All this bollocks about the baby won't settle unless he is with his primary care giver. I still considered myself to be a primary care giver to my baby at that time. Along with my DP, my Mum and his mum. Was my DD damaged by this? Well she is doing her homework now. She is 10. I still remember the witches in purchase ledger blethering on about how they couldn't leave their babies at that age. Some days I didn't see her awake. But she is fine. And so am I.

And I will say to the OP, your baby will be fine if your ex is a good Dad. And if he is a good Dad then you have your answer about what you need to do. Don't listen to the crap about how other people couldn't leave their babies at that age. Some of us had to.

Why does this man have to prove himself ?

Because so far he's not exactly come up trumps, and he and his current partner have set up home together in the blink of an eye.

Isn't it just biology that gives OP the upper hand in this situation? They are both the parents of this baby and should have equal rights to establish a good close relationship with their baby. The father should have every right to feed his baby, change him, watch him sleep, get up with him during the night, etc etc. There would probably be no qualms if he wasn't in a relationship but living alone and showing this much interest in parenting. IMO it is in the baby's and the father's best interest to allow them to bond as much as possible.
I say this from the pov of a mother who is still with my childrens father but with my first baby I did everything - and my first child was and is wholly attached to me and not at all her father but with my second I became sick when he was small and his father had to do a lot of the basic care: nights, nappies, bottle feeding. They have a very strong bond and I realise that had I made let him be more involved with out firstborn they would probably have a better relationship - which would be to everyones benefit.

Men aren't capeable of looking after babies overnight. Fact

End of.

Apart from they can.

Because so far he's not exactly come up trumps

I think the OP has already said he is a good Dad. So how has he not come up trumps as a Dad, which is what is important? He may not have been a perfect partner but that doesn't affect his abilities to be a good Dad. The two are not intertwined.

You had unprotected sex with a man you considered good enough to be a parent. Your adult relationship breaking down doesnt change that fact.

Would you be happy if the situation was reversed? I doubt it. The dad is an equal parent and should be treated like one. Why should he have to prove himself? Did you, of course you didnt. Its just luck that you are the female so gave birth.

Unless the baby is being breastfed then I also think YABU. I totally agree with Dreaming.

When my youngest was a few months old, I ended up back in hospital, on a ward where a young baby couldn't even enter, let alone stay with me. Even though I had been the primary carer and my husband had been out working, my son was left in my husband's care for a while whilst I was in hospital. He survived.

If the father in the OP hadn't have been around much, hadn't bonded with the baby, was abusive or didn't have a safe place for the child to spend time in then of course it wouldn't be a good idea. But he was at the birth and by the sounds of it has been spending regular contact with the child and now wants it to progress. I also don't go in for the whole "no overnights until they are 1 ... 2 .... 3" etc. Not to say it isn't going to be very hard for the OP to let go though.

OP I think you should start by exP having your child at his house rather than yours during the day. Then you all may become more comfortable with overnights.

I would start with unsupervised days, and I would want to meet the new partner before this happens.

yy to days.

Four months is too young.