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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 15:45

floralnomad she may not be (perhaps I should wait for her to answer) but overnight stays at such a young age will inevitably involve a degrees of attachment to this OW. As a mother, I'd remove my own skin with a hot ladle before i'd be ok with that.

iwantanafternoonnap · 28/01/2013 15:46

Yes and the mother of that child needs to be shown some respect about how bloody hurtful it is to have been cheated on while pregnant. Starting a relationship behind someones back and leaving their partner while pregnant is totally different situation than splitting up and then starting a new relationship now isn't it?? Not so much hurt, pain and disrespect when people have split up amicably. Quite frankly I think the OP's Ex needs to suck it up for a while.

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 15:49

vinegartits I'm not sure anyone is saying that this child shouldn't see his father. The issue is around overnight stays with his father and another woman.

ballinacup · 28/01/2013 15:49

Let him have your DS overnight. Your DS will scream from the unfamiliar sights/sounds/smells/people in the unfamiliar house. No one, including the OW and her DC, will get any sleep.

Suggest, when you pick DS up from his bleary eyed father, that he waits until your DS knows him a little bit better before having him overnight again.

Personally, I think 4mo is far too young to take a baby away from his primary carer overnight. My DS2 wasn't breastfed, but would only take a bottle from me until he was nearly 8mo, it's not just EBF babies that need their mother.

getoffthecoffeetable · 28/01/2013 15:50

I have to agree that baby is way too young to be staying away from mother overnight.
It's a terrible situation that you're in OP and I feel for you.
I don't think DS was out of my sight for longer than an hour at a time until he was 8 months old.
I agree that your ex can bond in the daytime instead. I personally can't see what bonding he thinks he'll be doing at night anyway. Staying overnight away from home at random intervals would be really unsettling for a baby and I doubt your ex would follow any routine that you had established either.

Goldmandra · 28/01/2013 15:51

I don't know what the courts generally order in this sort of situation but I'm sure it would be quite easy to find out from a reliable source such as a solicitor.

Lots of babies go to stay with grandparents overnight once a week from this age and some stay with childminders too. It doesn't harm them if they are able to build a secure relationship with those caring for them.

You are understandably upset by your ex's actions. I wouldn't want them playing happy families with my baby either. However your feelings about the ex, his new DP and their domestic arrangements are irrelevant unless you can show that your baby is at risk with them.

If you don't allow a reasonable amount of contact you are risking being taken to court and contact arrangements being ordered. Is there a chance you could then be ordered to allow the baby to stay with your ex for whole weekends, go on holiday with them etc? You need to find out.

I know it is hard on you as a new mum but your feelings are not taken into account. The needs and long term welfare of your baby are paramount in the eyes of a court and you may not agree with how they think those can best be met.

You need to get some good legal advice.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 15:53

she never said he started a relationship behind her back, read the op

he attended the birth, and im assuming has had contact since? but now that he has started a new relationship op is not happy, bitter and resentful that hes moved on

telling him that he can only have contact at her house is trying to control him, hes not a crimal who needs supervised contact, why should he look after his child in his own home be it an hour or a whole night

maddening · 28/01/2013 15:53

So how on earth is a 4mth old gaining from staying without his main carer for a night - at that age it's all about feeling secure - being taken to a strange house without his mum (being that she is his main carer, security and world) and completely unsettled.

This is only for the benefit of the father and he is not the important one here.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 15:53

*criminal

Blistory · 28/01/2013 15:54

I understand that the child's rights trump those of the parents but you aren't seriously all arguing that only a mother is entitled to raise a baby ? Maybe the baby won't appreciate the fact that his father wants him in his life but surely the child/adult that they'll grow into will appreciate that his dad cared enough to want such an active part in his life.

I don't buy this idea that women are naturally the better parent every time. Not wanting your child to stay with his father overnight is a selfish desire no matter how you dress it up. Maybe if men were given the opportunity to parent babies then we'd have a better chance at achieving equality. He may well turn out to be a fantastic father - why not give him the chance ? The more involved he is now, the better. He'll know his child, the same way the mother does - you can't have it both ways in arguing that he doesn't know his needs, his wants, his desires if you don't give him the chance to learn them. Babies don't NEED their biological mothers - they need carers who will care for them.

Put the understandable hurt and anger you have towards him to one side and do what's right for your child.

If the father turns out to be an idiot about it, rethink it.

JenaiMorris · 28/01/2013 15:56

I assume he started with the other woman whilst he was cocklodging at the OP's. He might have been officially single but it's a shitty thing to do. Then for them to shack up together so soon is a bit Hmm

I'll give the new woman the benefit of the doubt and assume it was for financial reasons but even so, would you move in with a new man so quickly - especially if you had a child? It's not sounding very stable, basically.

tittytittyhanghang · 28/01/2013 15:57

YABVU. Presumably you thought your ex was a suitable and responsible enough to raise a child when you were with him, I don't see how this changes just because he is no longer with you, regardless of the reasons. TBH you are coming across as rather bitter (which you may have every right to feel) but your bitterness should play no part in your child and their father's relationship. Mothers are no more special than fathers, and unless you are breastfeeding there is no justifiable reason for your child not to stay at their fathers overnight. I dont buy into the 'child is not ready'. How could anyone possible know this unless they had tried? Actually you sound really controlling, only allowing him access at your place?

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 15:59

Gold Courts wouldn't give overnights until at least 1. He would have to show commitment to gradually building a relationship first, and any concerns OP has about DS's care alone with him would be taken into account.
I know people who courts haven't ordered overnights for until 2-3 years old, due to the NRP not seeing the child often enough/flaking out on visits and showing themselves to be unreliable/irresponsible so on.

Floralnomad · 28/01/2013 16:01

If this OW is going to be a constant presence in this child's upbringing and we don't know whether she will or won't surely he will form an attachment to her at some point . Obviously we are only hearing one side of this story and I'm sure the dad would tell us something completely different but surely this baby deserves to have both his parents and we have no reason to believe that the baby will be at risk of harm staying with his dad . FWIW what do all you people who think babies should be with mothers overnight think people who work nights do ? Also why are night times so different to days ?

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 16:03

I am sorry but I think yabu ... You need to put your feelings aside and let them have a relationship even if it hurts x

mummysmellsofsick · 28/01/2013 16:06

YANBU. My baby would only have slept apart from me over my dead body at that age.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 16:08

*she never said he started a relationship behind her back, read the op

he attended the birth, and im assuming has had contact since? but now that he has started a new relationship op is not happy, bitter and resentful that hes moved on

telling him that he can only have contact at her house is trying to control him, hes not a crimal who needs supervised contact, why should he look after his child in his own home be it an hour or a whole night*

^^^ this

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 16:10

I understand that the child's rights trump those of the parents but you aren't seriously all arguing that only a mother is entitled to raise a baby ? Maybe the baby won't appreciate the fact that his father wants him in his life but surely the child/adult that they'll grow into will appreciate that his dad cared enough to want such an active part in his life.

I don't buy this idea that women are naturally the better parent every time. Not wanting your child to stay with his father overnight is a selfish desire no matter how you dress it up. Maybe if men were given the opportunity to parent babies then we'd have a better chance at achieving equality. He may well turn out to be a fantastic father - why not give him the chance ? The more involved he is now, the better. He'll know his child, the same way the mother does - you can't have it both ways in arguing that he doesn't know his needs, his wants, his desires if you don't give him the chance to learn them. Babies don't NEED their biological mothers - they need carers who will care for them.

Put the understandable hurt and anger you have towards him to one side and do what's right for your child.

^^ And this

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 16:21

Dreaming the second one you copy and pasted. Yes the child will appreciate it. Why force it on a baby that won't rather than waiting for a child who will? It's not in the babies interest.

Woman aren't automatically the better parent. If this baby had been cared for by the dad since birth, at 4 months he most likely wouldn't be ready to be away from the dad for long periods/overnight if he were the primary care giver. Same applies in this situation to the primary care giver.

He has the chance to get to know his son, and once he has, he will undoubtedly have him overnight. But he needs to put the effort in to get to know the baby, not just treat the him like some doll to have when he pleases with no regard for the babies sense of security.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 16:22

I get so fed up of reading on MN about all these men who were perfectly reasonable and appropriate men to have a child with........... until they split up that is. Then they become the devil men who cannot be trusted to spend a second alone with their baby unless supervised by the Mother in her home. Heaven's forbid he should try to build a relationship with his child from the day it is born; no there is plenty of years when the child is older to build a relationship with Dad Hmm. Why is a child's relationship with its father so insignificant that it can be put on hold?! And don't give me all the nonsense about primary carer; perhaps if the Dad was allowed to spend any significant amount of time actually caring for his baby then he would become a significant carer too.

The OP has said that he is a good Dad - therefore he has proved himself and deserves the opportunity to build a solid relationship with his baby NOW not in a few months time.

OP, I can understand you feeling bitter/angry/jealous about the way your relationship turned out but please don't let this cloud your judgement about what should happen re: your son.

If you really can't stand the thought of overnight stays yet although I don't see anything wrong in them then talk to your Ex about it. Compromise - allow him to have baby for a few hours during the day at his house and build up to overnights.

hackmum · 28/01/2013 16:22

YANBU. Astonished at anyone who says you are. At that age, babies really need to spend time with their primary carer, not overnights with anyone else. The thing that would really worry me is that you have no idea if your ex's new partner knows anything at all about how to look after a baby.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 16:33

Dreaming - at 4 months, a lot of mums aren't leaving babies overnight with their DH's, and thats when the baby see's them every day. I don't see why this changes just because the dad isn't in the house.

tittytittyhanghang · 28/01/2013 16:34

thing that would really worry me is that you have no idea if your ex's new partner knows anything at all about how to look after a baby. What irresponsible scaremongering. (a) the ex partner already has a child so presumably she brought that child up and (b) irrespective if the new partner has children or not, if the ex trusts her with his child then the op has to respect his decision, unless she has knowledge that means leaving her with ex and partner would place her child at risk.

Blistory · 28/01/2013 16:39

How to look after a baby ? It's really not rocket science. Any competent human being should be capable of it.

JenaiMorris · 28/01/2013 16:41

I would have left ds with dp overnight at that age, had the little blighter taken a bottle, but then he was around most of the time so not a relative strager to him.

We also have no idea what this other woman is like with babies - she might have had one of her own but I'd need to thrash out some ground rules first in case she was a staunch co-sleeper/controlled-crying fan/giver of gin to babies. If someone other than the father is going to take care of this baby then the OP needs to build a civilised relationship with that person and be able to trust them.