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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 28/01/2013 15:24

Actually, don't go there. Don't want to cause any disagreements.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2013 15:26

So all these babies who are handed over to CMs and Nurseries while Mum rushes off to work are being damaged? Confused

2wwmadness · 28/01/2013 15:27

I'm in your situation. He won't go. I don't know her. The baby is to small. Untill you have been through it you can't understand.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2013 15:28

That's putting the wishes of the parent before the needs of the child

No, insisting the baby stay over when the baby clearly hates it and gets distressed would be putting the wishes of the parent before the needs of the child.

But I feel the parent as a right to at least try.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 15:29

i was glad to hand my 4 month old over for a nights rest, i dont have a short memory neither do i tell lies Smile

mind you i did go back to work FT after 10 weeks, and my job called for me to travel sometimes too so once spent 5 days away and i left my ds2 in the capable hands of his daddy and grandma Shock

PureQuintessence · 28/01/2013 15:30

I think 4 months is too young for overnight stays with a person he has only seen a few hours now and then.

Nobody knows if he is a "good dad" or not. So far, there is no evidence to suggest this. All we know is that he left op when she got pregnant, and has moved in with an OW that he started a relationship with before leaving OP, and who also was married at the time. I am not sure that "Jeremy Kyle style dad" necessarily equals "good dad".

Mosman · 28/01/2013 15:31

I take it that you knew the daddy and grandmas capabilities though VT before you left the DC ?

JenaiMorris · 28/01/2013 15:31

Worra, over night is different, surely?

Regular overnighters with GPs or one trusted parent is one thing - we're talking here about some relative randomer (the new partner).

Given time, as little as six months maybe, then yes. But not so soon.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 15:32

Worra From working at a nursery, no they are not damaged, but if they are too young or not ready to be away from their parent(s) yet, they gain nothing from the experience. They will just cry, refuse to eat, and not engage in activities.

We have had a couple of babies at our nursery who didn't settle for months on end. It's horrible seeing any baby or child this distressed, never mind your own baby.

And generally with the babies/toddlers who weren't ready or settling, the parents would find this had a negative effect on them waking during nights, acting up and being more clingy in general etc. So no they aren't "damaged" but it's not a positive effect on them.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 15:32

nobody knows if a mother is a 'good mum' or not, yet the hospital staff let us take our babies home after a few hours stay Shock

fromparistoberlin · 28/01/2013 15:33

baby too young

keep things clean and simple, offer acess and but say no overnighters until baby is older

poor you, BUT IT WILL GET BETTER XXXXX

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 15:33

'I take it that you knew the daddy and grandmas capabilities though VT before you left the DC ?'

only because i gave them the chance in the first place

frantic53 · 28/01/2013 15:33

Worra I think "damaged" is too strong a word to use but, from my, admittedly limited, study of child development, very young babies need one or two "significant" adults to identify with in order to feel safe and secure. This can be parents, a parent and a CM, a parent and a grandparent/auntie/uncle, a grandparent and a CM, foster parents etc, etc. But these should be people they have regular, ideally daily, contact with. Not a parent they only spend an overnight with once a week.

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 15:36

YANBU
Your ds should see his father but overnights at 4 months are unnecessary and generally unreasonable.
Doesn't matter whether or not you are bf.

iwantanafternoonnap · 28/01/2013 15:37

I feel your pain. I wish people would realise that it is human to feel upset, anger, hate and also feel like you don't want your child to go and stay with 2 vile people who gave you no thought when you were pregnant!. Not only have you had to deal with having a child at a relatively late age and not being at all supported by the father of said child you are now expected to hand DC over with a smile on your face to the woman your Ex was shagging behind your back. Sorry for all those spouting on that you must no you don't really.

It takes time to get over that kind of behaviour and you are not being given that time. You need the time for the pain to subside and get your head around the whole situation before you can move on and find it less painful to hand your DC overnight. Your DS at 18 won't care that at 4 months old he never slept at his dad's he is not even going to remember it. However, the stress of you being forced to do it will upset you and therefore your DS.

Your DS has the rest of his life to form a decent relationship with his dad and these few months won't matter much as long as he seems him regularly and often overnights will not matter. What will matter is you being shown some respect by DC's father and OW that right now you need time to adjust and therefore have less stressful life for you right now.

Personally I would say no to the overnights and suggest a few hours 3 times a week. I know that right now you don't want to leave your baby alone with him but I think that is what you need to back down on and say he can take DC away for those few hours. See him as a babysitter that is allowing you to have a few hours break until you can get your head around the situation but aim for letting him have him longer bit by bit until it is overnight.

Take care of yourself and tell anyone to fuck off who says you should get on with it and accept it and move on. Take your time and allow yourself time to get over this terrible, terrible hurt.

Mosman · 28/01/2013 15:37

Oh pull the other one VT your own mother and the man you've been happily living with and intend to carry on living with is a million miles away from this scenario and you know it.

HopAndSkip · 28/01/2013 15:38

Vinegar A mum taking a baby home from hospital is the only person that baby has ever known. Equally a dad taking a baby home from hospital would be.

It is completely different to a 4 month old, with a routine and primary carer(s) who he has bonded with (in this case his mum). To then change all this with no way of explaining to the baby why, is going to be confusing at the very least, and most likely very distressing.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 15:38

'Oh pull the other one VT your own mother and the man you've been happily living with and intend to carry on living with is a million miles away from this scenario and you know it. '

i never lived with my ex, only new him for a short while before i fell pg, and it was his mother not mine Smile

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 15:38

I agree with frantic's last post.

iwantanafternoonnap · 28/01/2013 15:38

Sorry not sure that makes sense but DS's singing while having a poo is distracting me!

Floralnomad · 28/01/2013 15:39

Do we actually know if this parent wants 50% custody of this baby , maybe he doesn't just want him 1 night a week , as the parent does he not have this right? If the baby is being BF obviously that would be an issue but the OP has not said anything about that ( I think) despite other people mentioning it . I've never been in this position thankfully ,but surely we should at least credit this dad with wanting to build a relationship with his child . TBH both parents sound a little feckless i.e no contraception ,rushing into another relationship .

Floralnomad · 28/01/2013 15:41

Sorry forgot to say , would the OP be as bothered if there was not another woman involved and it was the dad asking to have the baby overnight at his mothers for example.

Emilythornesbff · 28/01/2013 15:41

iwantanafternoonnap well put.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 15:41

dont assume you know everything about someone from a few posts

the op is resentful, we know nothing about her or her ex, other than he left her then started a new relationship, but the man still has a right to access to his son, regardless of her fbitterness towards him

JenaiMorris · 28/01/2013 15:44

I don't give a stuff if the OP is breastfeeding tbh.

This man has decided he'd like to start playing daddies after a less than stellar performance thus far - well that's great and the relationship needs to be allowed to develop. But he has to prove himself now before he is allowed to bring his son to his new home for overnighters, as does his new partner (with whom he's been for the blink of an eye yet has moved in with).