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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 29/01/2013 17:42

So a fathers access should be restricted and the childs relationship with the father hindered because the mother can't cope with being away from the child and that serves the best interest of the child?
Confused

Seenenoughtoknow · 29/01/2013 17:43

As a single mother to my first child I would have struggled to let my DD out of my sight in the first year, so I'm with Eliza on this one. Thankfully my DD's father never pressured me to hand her over for anything other than day contact until we both felt she was ready.

Also, my DH is a lovely man, but would be hopeless with a small baby such as a 4 month old, and when he and his previous wife broke up soon after the birth of their 3rd child he didn't have his youngest to stay until she was 18 months old. He readily admits it would not have been good for the baby (or the state of mind of her mother) for her to stay over with him, as he struggled to settle her and he knew she would miss her mother terribly.

DH has a fabulous relationship with all of his children, and is no less close because of the lack of early overnight stays. He had plenty of day contact, and now the children are happy to stay with us or their mother. I wonder how many who are so quick to judge have been in this situation themselves?

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 17:45

you must be very strong gordy - but you musnt class everyone else in the same bracket as yourself.

everyone reacts to things differently - and this man in my opinion has to back off and let this lady recover not only from her ordeal with him but also from the VERY recent birth of her FIRST EVER CHILD.

she has already stated she has been in tears from replies and clearly isnt in a good state of mind.

i dont see what point it is to keep driving home the point that because you were able to cope with something she should also.

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 17:46

May -

for the moment YES.

If I was the DP here my paramount concern would be to not upset this woman any further and give her some respect.

Then I would ask for access - somewhere neutral for a few hours every week. Once things had calmed down and I started to build up a relationship with the child - in a gentle manner - then things would naturally progress.

mayorquimby · 29/01/2013 17:49

we'll just have to agree to disagree so
to me it seems very controlling and motivated solely out of self-interest and selfishness.
Threads like this terrify me as a future father.

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 17:54

I am sure posts would be supportive about how difficult handing the baby over is (I have also been in the position with slightly older - one year old - child going to their dads) but it is frustrating when the mothers state of mind is taken into account when it should be in the best interest of the baby.

I feel it would be more helpful to support the OP in coming to terms with the situation instead of what seems to be support for her to continue to feel awful.

There are many good points to the baby going to their dads, a break for mum for a start :-)

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 18:01

I am sure she will be ready for a break when the situation has calmed down and her DP isnt trying to get a four month old over night!

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 18:03

What if the mother doesn't want a break? Not all new mothers need or want a break from their baby.

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 18:03

This reminds me of a situation where a dear friend lost someone very very close to them - literally out of the blue and well wishers were coming round to give condolensces but were also saying over and over

" so what are you going to do now".

She had just had a major blow to her life and couldnt think about the next minuet let alone the future -the future at THAT TIME was simply getting up and trying to get through the next hour, day etc...

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 18:10

"but it is frustrating when the mothers state of mind is taken into account when it should be in the best interest of the baby."

The interest of the baby is to stay with its primary care giver as much as possible. There is no, I repeat no, need for the baby to see his/her father at such a young age. If the father wants to see the baby (fair enough), it should be in the presence of the mother.

sauvignonismydrug · 29/01/2013 18:12

When my newborn, and severely disabled, son was 10 weeks old my exh walked out on us. My situation was different in that we also had a 3 yr old DD and we had been given 90% odds of my son dying before he was 2. The general feeling of my exh going at this dreadful time was that he was a complete cock.
A few months later he moved on the next road to me in a 'house share' with a close female friend from work (they are now married and expecting their 2nd child together, not that I care any more as I am also remarried). In order to look after my son at home I had to have a huge amount of training. My ex did this too, this was new ground for both of us. I was technically the resident parent, my dd lived with me, I had stay in the home and all my sons equipment was delivered to my address. But not once did I think that my son should miss out on time with his knob of a father. I moved heaven and earth with the primary care trust to get the same equipment installed at his home.
I am so glad I did. My son is no longer with me but I know that I did not deprive him of any of his rightful time with his daddy and, even though I did not behave amazingly myself at that time towards the ex, I know I did the right thing by my son.

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 18:14

Elizaregina - I have had that - the day after my husband was killed in a road accident (second husband) a friend asked 'how long do you think it will be till you are over this?' Helpful - not!

However if I have got my maths right the OP split up 10mths ago - what has not long happened is his new relationship, which the OP is very unhappy about but this does not give her the right to dictate.

I also the feel the 'overnight' is a red herring - I expect the dad would be happy for the moment taking baby for days but this has not been offered to him.

cricketballs · 29/01/2013 18:16

Why Bonsoir? You are sounding deranged now with that latest statement that a father would only see his child in the presence of the mother...

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 29/01/2013 18:18

FGS Bonsoir, so some Mum's don't need a break; that means Dad shouldn't be allowed to parent until she does?!

Where there are two willing and capable parents, a baby deserves to have both those parents involved in its life from day one. Two parents who it nows will love it, care for it and provide comfort. Surely the best way for the baby to learn that and to have a strong relationship with both parents is for each parent to be given the chance to actually parent. Something Dad isn't being allowed to do without severe restrictions because Mum is finding it difficult to let go.

Why should Mum's feelings be taken into account so much when Dad's are irrelevant? Whenever anyone mentions the Dad's feelings, the response is that he should think of the baby, yet the same doesn't seem to apply to Mum's feelings. Hypocritical, much.

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 18:19

The baby is 17 weeks old and the OP found out when the baby was 5 weeks old that her DS' father was in a relationship with someone else. This story is only 12 weeks old, and she is mother to a newborn. Give her a break.

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 18:20

I think the father in this case has forfeited any expectation of being an equal parent by his very selfish behaviour.

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 18:21

the mums feelings should be taken into account because the dad shat on her. as an adult he has to therefore live with the tough shit of his actions.

once he has backed off - given this woman some respect and peace - then they can more forward.

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 18:22

I don't agree Bonsoir (funny that!) babies bond from a young age and that bonding should take place with both their parents whenever possible.

Caring for a young baby helps you feel connected to that baby and having both parents feel connected to you is surely in your very best interest?

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 18:24

The baby has not forfeited is right to a father though just because of their fathers actions.

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 18:28

The baby does have a right to its father but just not right now this minuet!

The father has to understand he must eat alot of humble pie and take the situation in a very delicate way.

It sounds like op has suspicouns about these two for a while and were denied.

millie30 · 29/01/2013 18:28

My DS spent no time at all with his father until he was 5 months old and even then it was very limited contact. The courts did take into account my feelings and the distress his Dad was causing me. My DS has no ill effects from not having overnight bonding at 4 months and the courts would never order a 4 month old to be separated from its mother overnight against her wishes.

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 18:32

So the dad is being punished for his behaviour then? And when deemed to have been remorseful enough will be allowed proper access to their son?

millie30 · 29/01/2013 18:34

TTTatty, little and often with the mother around would be considered proper contact at this age. Not having overnights with a 4 month old is the norm, not a punishment.

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 18:34

My DD barely saw her father for the first year of her life and when she did I was always there.

They are as bonded as anything!

I have a friend whose DH walked out when her twins were teeny-tiny and they have, to all intents and purposes, never lived on the same continent. Doesn't stop the twins (aged 5) adoring their father.

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 18:39

As I have said I am of the opinion dad should be able to have baby for more than a few hours away from mum - I am surprised anyone feels that it is vital to have the mum present - babies up and down the country are being cared by their dad with no mum present, it would seem to no ill effect.

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