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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:

shutthebloodydoor · 29/01/2013 15:57

Wow a prime example of how mumsnet posts get twisted! its a fight to the bitter death on here sometimes. Really wish people would read posts rather than ' reading between the lines' or picking tiny things up and running with them when that wasnt even the point anyway!

VinegarTits · 29/01/2013 15:59

what is an unusually privilaged position ? are you royality?

wordfactory · 29/01/2013 16:00

Privileged position = this is at happened me and I simply cannot imagine anyhting different.

FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2013 16:01

I might add that my DS is seven now and views this set up as normal, he is a high achiever in school and generally a very settled little boy, considering his mum is disabled and so is his sister, in such a way that he gets a lot of difficult behaviour to deal with for one so young.

He loves his step mum, whom I get on with on the most part, has a lovely stepbrother, and another sibling, so it's like he has two families that love him, not just one.

He was never ever neglected or put at emotional risk just because he went to his dad's for weekends. In fact he thrived with many loving caregivers, I would say dad's involvement is actually a good thing, so many children have lost contact by the age of three, to foster a good relationship now with the promise of overnights by a certain stage would benefit the OP more than she is able to think about right now. (I understand being bitter btw, I was so angry)

Fact is, as a single parent, there have been times I haven't been able to care for my child. Health wise I have valued the support I have gotten from my son's father and other caregivers thus established on that side of the family, if I hadn't my kids would have been in foster care temporarily before now and I think that would be much more disruptive.

VinegarTits · 29/01/2013 16:01

i think wordfactory has nailed it

VinegarTits · 29/01/2013 16:02

and i dont mean your answer to my privilaged position

wordfactory · 29/01/2013 16:03

fan you have summed up what I have been trying to get across.

Being a single parents makes you more vulnerable. One way to alleviate that is to nurture a close relationship between child and father (indeed child and any family member).

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 16:07

Being a single parent makes you more vulnerable, especially when, as is the case of the OP, the father of the child is unreliable. Pretending he is not and carrying on regardless would be total folly in the security stakes.

AnAirOfHope · 29/01/2013 16:09

I think 4 months old is too young and its unreasonable to have ago at you for saying no.

If i was OW i would want my oh to help with his child and give the mother a break and to pay for his half of raising the child. To be flexible and supportive.

Also is he willing to commite to overnights every other weekend for the next 16 years? Taking time off work to care for a sick child and provide school holiday cover?

Right now its all new to him and i would be worried he wants to make a good impression with OW and has no idea how hard being a dad is. I would have to talk to him about what is best for the child and i would think few hours in day often and build upon that the older the child gets to overnights and full weekends at 3 yo.

If he is in uni whats to say that he will not get a job in a different part of the country after graudating?

Communication is the key to coparenting and its in the best intrest of the child to have a mum and a dad.

It hurts like hell the way he treated you but you need to bury it and treat him as the father of your child. What he does with his child when he is looking after him is up to him you cant stop him from introducing the child to his girlfriends or mates or giving the child to grandparents to look after on his contact time. Its out of your control.

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 16:23

First post - eek!

My mum and dad split up when mum was pregnant with me, mum got together with a new partner and between them refused my dad access. (I appreciate the op is not completely refusing access but am giving my situation)
I am sure at the time they were doing what they thought was best, my dad, it would seem, was not that great in his treatment of her although, as far as I am aware, a good dad to my older brother.

As harsh as it may sound my dads treatment of my mum did not warrant him being refused access to me, I had no chance to build a relationship with him and that has caused irretrievable damage (we only met when I was 17)
In her doing so I feel she was selfish to with hold me from him. Although I am sad he was not a good husband he should have had equal opportunity to be a good parent.

I appreciate the op is very sad/angry/frustrated at the situation with her ex but children are not weapons to be used.

This is not about whether a 4mth old baby can stay overnight at their dads but rather the op controlling her ex with the only 'claim' she has left :-(
There is absolutely no reason to why the dad cannot take the baby to his new home.

Seenenoughtoknow · 29/01/2013 16:30

In fairness it sounds like the OP has not been refusing access, she just doesn't want the baby to stay away overnight at 4 months old.

FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2013 16:37

Has he been unreliable in the area of contact?

Men can be absolute shites with regards to their romantic lives and still be really great dad's.

He was a dick for leaving her for getting pregnant, but I guess that he attended the birth and has been wanting contact, he has a home and is studying to get a job I guess? He's not been violent? He hasn't lied to her about anything?

It's a shitty thing to do, break up a marriage, but again that doesn't have much bearing on his ability as a dad to his own child? I think the label unreliable is a bit hasty really.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 29/01/2013 16:37

Seenenough - or to spend any time at Dad's house.

Emilythornesbff · 29/01/2013 16:40

lovetomoan where's the "like" button?

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 29/01/2013 16:54

This is not about whether a 4mth old baby can stay overnight at their dads but rather the op controlling her ex with the only 'claim' she has left

I completely agree Tatty. Having read some of the threads on here, that doesn't seem that unusual when there is a breakdown in a relationship. All under the guise of course that Mum is doing what is best for the baby and that Dad is the devil incarnate for even considering he should be allowed to spend time caring for and comforting their child. Because only Mum is capable of doing that, isn't she?

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 17:16

And what of the mothers state of mind?

If the mother - at the moment cannot cope with the idea of her baby sleeping with them - should she be protected in anyway and treated gently so she can primariy cope with her baby first - then come round to this idea a little bit later?

Or does it not matter if she is pushed and pushed and pushed and then possibly has a nervous break down or bonding issues?

I guess then she would become a " crazy ex" would she - once she was finally broken?

KC225 · 29/01/2013 17:21

Well said eliza

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 17:26

It is not just a refusal to let the baby go overnight but, as said in the OP although since backtracked, allowing the baby's dad to only have contact with their baby at OPs house. Forgive me but I do not think the OP will suffer a nervous break down or bonding issues by the baby going to their other parent for a day. If she really feels this may be the case then seeking counselling would be advisable.
The father needs time to bond too and should be able to do this in the comfort of his own home just as the OP is doing.

TTTatty · 29/01/2013 17:27

Oh and don't wish to be pedantic but it is THEIR baby not her baby.

mayorquimby · 29/01/2013 17:32

"And what of the mothers state of mind? "

kind of goes against the moral high-ground of not allowing over nights purely on the interests of the child if the actual motivation is all about the mother.

You could just as easily say what about the fathers state of mind having his relationship with his child dictated and controlled by a bitter ex?
But you'd be greeted with "it's not about the father it's about the baby" and "she's not controlling or dictating, she's looking out for her child."

There are just as likely to be reprecussions and bonding issues for the father being denied access as there would be the mother allowing (allowing ffs, as though she alone owns the child) overnight visits

gordyslovesheep · 29/01/2013 17:33

Oh I said I wouldn't but ...(being VERY CLEAR I am not being mean to the OP but making a wider observation)

The mothers state of mind is a separate issue - not an excuse to stop or control access - it broke me for them to spend time with the woman who helped break up my marriage - I was ill with stress, on anti D's etc, but I wouldn't have dreamed of stopping them seeing him - even when that meant seeing them.

Sophiathesnowfairy · 29/01/2013 17:36

What ever you do your child deserves two parents who love it. I get the impression that the concern of theOP is more the new relationship rather than the age.

4 month is young to be away over night but to enable DCs to feel secure they need to be routinely in both homes.

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 17:37

I guess it depends on who the child spends the time with - if its mother is reduced to a blubbering miserable wreck becasuse the child is being forced away from her - then no - i dont think its in the best interests of the child.

especially if she is also coping - alone - without a partner to support her. her ex dp at least has a partner to support him?

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 17:38

how old were your children gordy?

gordyslovesheep · 29/01/2013 17:40

6,4 and 6 months Eliza - all planned and much wanted by both of us - I was on unpaid Maternity leave - I had to sell our home and return to work early - my state of mind was horrible - but he never stopped loving his kids - just me

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