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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
KC225 · 29/01/2013 13:09

The OP has requested views on a very emotive subject, Many posts have been able to express their opinion without being so harsh. Words like 'bitter' 'controlling' 'get over it' 'jealous' bringing up contraception are all lacking in compassion and I think heartless. It is possible to put over a point of view that is different without making it sound like a rant against the Daily Mail.

If you read my post you would see that I suggest she work towards longer stays with the Father and possible overnighters in the future but I think she needs to do it in her own time and not feel pressured.

ScaredySquirrel · 29/01/2013 13:11

the baby's too young to stay away from you overnight.

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 29/01/2013 13:15

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.

Why would they be playing happy families? Surely if he wants contact at home he will be doing all of the looking after, if he has to rely on help from the OW then he is clearly not ready for that type of contact. I wouldn't want the (In my case hypothetical) OW doing anything with my DS

We used to regularly look after our niece when she was 6 months old, she was fine until she realised that mummy and daddy weren't coming back before bed time. Then she'd scream and scream and scream before eventually settling and would then scream and scream and scream some more when she woke up with no mummy and daddy to be found. It did get better though which was nice since we had no baby experience at that point and it was just do what you think is right.

Teapot13 · 29/01/2013 13:28

My husband (DD's father) were married when she was 4 months, still are married now, and there is no way I would have left her overnight with him at this age. She was still BF in the night, so that might be a difference to the OP's situation, but even if she hadn't been she was used to me getting up with her in the nights. I don't know if he would have been able comfort her the same way.

I am not arguing that men can't take care of babies, or that the relationship to the father is less important than the relationship to the mother. It is a question of a tiny baby being used to having his mother for comfort in the night and having to adjust suddenly to another person.

Tell the father you don't disagree with the idea but that the baby needs time to adjust start with shorter visits and work up to nights over the course of several months. Let the father know that separation anxiety will kick in at some point in the next couple of months and that this will slow things down as well. They don't need to put the father-child relationship on hold it just needs to be done in short visits to start.

littlemisssarcastic · 29/01/2013 13:45

OP, I split with my xp when DD was 6 months old.
DD spent a few hours a day, on a few days a week, mutually agreeable to myself and xp. She did not spend overnights with him at 6 months old, and I don't think your baby should spend overnights with your ex at 4 months old.

However, I do think that your baby should spend a few hours with dad at dads house so they can build a relationship together.

I would leave the overnights until your baby was a year old. It will still be gutwrenching then, but I would start overnights at 1 year old, unless there were sufficient reasons not to.
HTH

wordfactory · 29/01/2013 13:54

Op, right now you feel understandably hurt and upset...but try to put that aside as a. it will hurt no one but you and b. it won't change a thing.

What you need to think about now, more than anything, is the future. The future for your baby and you.

This is hard with a tiny infant. Each day seems all one is able to focus on. But childhood is a very long game and single parenthood is very very hard.

It will be hugely in your interests and the interests of your child if you establish a second person with who he is comfortable overnight. Being a single parent makes you vulnerable and thus your DS is vulnerable too. You could get sick...you could need to make a journey...hell, you might just want to go out from time to time.

Knowing your baby is safe and well cared for with his Dad will be a huge relief to you in time. Otherwise the responsibility can be awful.

How you go about getting into that position is up to you and your ex. Discuss it. You're going to need to get used to discussing things with him.

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 14:00

That's a very odd post, wordfactory.

Nancyclancy · 29/01/2013 14:21

I personally would not have a problem with him taking the baby for an afternoon to his new place but not overnight. Nothing to do with the situation you're in but I couldn't imagine leaving a 4 month old overnight. But when he's older then I think you need to reconsider.

He is his dad though and be happy that he is keen to have a relationship with his son.

I understand you don't like the idea of them paying happy families, but that image is just in your head. As time goes by, you'll get used to it and your ds will be happy having a good healthy relationship with both his parents.

Hope you're getting maintenance!

wordfactory · 29/01/2013 14:32

Bonsoir I practiced family law for a looooong time and met a million women in every conceivable difficult circumstance.

Single mums, it always seemed to me, had it so very very hard. Many had ex partners who were useless, abusive or frankly, not interested in their DC. That must be frightening and lonely.

It always made me sure that if I had an ex who was a decent father (or had the makings of one), no matter how bitter I felt about our relationship, I would do whatever I could to nurture the bond between he and my DC. Not just for the DC, but also for me and my sanity!

I really wouldn't want to parent alone.

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 14:33

Letting the father walk all over her is hardly nurturing the relationship. On the contrary, the OP needs to take a stand for her own interests and that of her child if she wants to ensure her future.

wordfactory · 29/01/2013 14:38

I disagree.

Making a stand based on feelings of bitterness vis a vis the end of the relationship is in no ones interests. Least of all the OPs.

Discussing how best to get what she will want and need and what her baby will want and need througout the long game of childhood is imperative.

JenaiMorris · 29/01/2013 14:55

Childhood is indeed a long game. Which is just one reason why the OP is perfectly reasonable to object to her ex taking their four month old baby overnight!

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 15:06

I don't think she is taking a stand based on bitterness - she is taking a stand based on the best interests of her child and herself right now. Those best interests will evolve over time, and it is when they have evolved (and she is in full possession of the facts at that future time) that she will be in the best position to negotiate for herself.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/01/2013 15:07

Bonsioir

Cultivating a good relationship and working towards overnights at a pace your ok with whilst making sure your baby is secure and comfortable is not letting yourself get walked over.

How very sad that you think it is.

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 15:10

The baby's father also sounds deeply irresponsible and, quite apart from the baby not needing to see him at all at this point, if I were the OP I would not be wanting to hand my baby over to anyone who had displayed such disregard for the feeling and well-being of others.

Bonsoir · 29/01/2013 15:11

I speak from an unusually privileged position of knowing exactly why it is totally unimportant for a child to see his/her father in the early months! So no-one is going to convince me that it is necessary!

Mosman · 29/01/2013 15:27

Wordfactory, being a single parent to a 4 month old doesn't mean the end of life as you know it, I met my DH when my eldest was 9 months old and never looked back.

It doesn't have to be as you described and I hope the OP can meet somebody lovely and have a wonderful life.
My mother on the other hand insisted we went to see our "father" every weekend to give her a break where he emotionally abused us and physically hurt us, all under the grandparents noses.

People do need to be careful who they hand their children over to.

JenaiMorris · 29/01/2013 15:31

I agree with you 100% Bonsoir.

NellyBluth · 29/01/2013 15:42

Bonsoir, what on earth does I speak from an unusually privileged position of knowing exactly why it is totally unimportant for a child to see his/her father in the early months! So no-one is going to convince me that it is necessary! actually mean Confused

That statement really doesn't make any sense. Technically, I suppose, no one but the primary care giver is important to a child in the early months, but that primary care giver could be anyone, not just the biological mum. And honestly, are you saying that just because your experience (seems to be) is that your DC/s dad wasn't around in the first few months, you know everything there is to know about it and you can just decree what is right or wrong?

Hell, in that case, I could argue that it is totally unimportant for a baby to bf because mine is doing fine without having bf...

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 29/01/2013 15:44

Bonsoir - since when did Fathers become obsolete?

lovetomoan · 29/01/2013 15:45

4 month old baby? I wouldn't care if BF or FF, the only way I would be without the baby overnight is if I die.
YANBU

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 29/01/2013 15:47

In fact NellyBluth, by Bonsoir's logic we can go even further - my husband was adopted and is doing fine so birth mothers are totally unimportant and irrelevant!

wordfactory · 29/01/2013 15:52

Oh bonsoir you're doing that thing again where you're just looking at it from the prism of your own existence...

the fact that you merrily parented alone for the first few months, doesn't mean that everyone else can or indeed should. Most parents prefer to co-parent from the start. It's natural and normal.

The OP doesn't want to right now based on her ill feeling towards the father and his new lover. That's understandable...but not the basis on which to go forward.

FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2013 15:52

Could you arrange to build up to overnight stays?

It would be very tough I agree, but if this women is not abusive or dangerous, and baby's father is interested and wanting contact, I would try to encourage that. Perhaps set an age to work towards doing over nights from. Weaning starts at six months, so perhaps there? It gives you time to get used to the idea and for the baby to get to know this lady too, daytime visits only until then?

My DS was doing so from about nine months old and it was a nice little break after being in charge for so long and not having my own time.

wordfactory · 29/01/2013 15:56

mosman of course the OP will meet someone else!

But that man will not be this child's father.

Like it or lump it, the OP will have to facilitate a relationship between her DS and his father. So why not make it a positive experience? Why make stands and take decisions based upon hurt feelings?

Better to enter into an active discussion with her ex now. Talk about how to move forward...