To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

[dollyindub]

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

I dunno I wouldn't be in any rush to accommodate the needs of a 'dad' who abandoned you whilst pregnant.

eliza well put.
Op, maybe have this moved to a different forum such as relationships??
I'm sure ppl dodn't mean to upset you. I think on aibu ppl get a bit wrapped up in their political views whereas in RL they might be more sympathetic.
Good luck.

Why is the baby too young Varya

Dollyindub.

Don't take it to heart try and remember that you are the only person who knows your suituation worry s and concerns. Nobody on here can see into your head and plenty of people hold the views they do because of there own personal agenda, nothing at all is wrong with that but in real life people's personal agendas very rarely fit in with your personal experances or suituations.

Obviously in an ideal world both mum and dad would be ideal,togather or apart but sometimes they arnt, sometimes you have one parent who for what ever reason is unable to put a child's needs above there own, its down to the one who can put the child first to make the call as to what will be happening in the future.

There is nothing wrong with seeking advice both from a legal and therapeutic perspective or even from a organisation who specialises in dealing with this subject,

These are people whose job it is to advise the best way to go.

It can often be helpful to do so as its a good way of trying to work out what side of the fence your sitting on and work out if your being unfair or right in your concerns.

With important stuff like this its important to know that you don't need to decide right now,put it out of your mind compleatly for the rest of the day and tomorrow with a fresh head on make a few phone calls if you have a single parents or child advice charity in your area try them for advice or just a listening ear if you feel you want to talk to a lawyer or your therapist,they should be able to offer impartial support factual advice and info on your options.

YANBU. 4 months is still IMO way too young to be away from the main career. At that age, my babies still felt like a physical extension of me and I think biology bears this out (the fact that babies still need milk, carrying, sleeping close by etc). I would have been distraught at the idea of an overnight separation at that age.

Good idea Emily, move this or instead post in relationships....

You have so much to deal with in such early days with a young baby. You as the prime carer have to feel comfortable with whats going on.

Emily, everyone has been sympathetic, this has nothing to do with political views and everything to do with people sharing their own, often painful experiences in order to give the op a different POV.

Hell would freeze over before he had my child overnight. Lots of daytime contact i would allow.
He left you both ( when you needed him most) and he needs to accept it will be a long time before you get over that.

YANBU. The baby is only 4 months old. Its too early. Your ex has hardly shown himself to be responsible, and there is no way Ild trust him to wake up every few hours to do the night feeds etc.

Sorry lovelygoldboots but some posts have been far from sympathetic. The op has been called bitter, selfish and controlling. These remarks are unkind and unnecessary. The defence of such remarks has been centred around the assertion of a kind of radical equality, which is a political view.

fwiw if the OP had buggered off in similar circumstances, left the baby and set up home so swiftly with another partner, I'd expect the father to be similarly reluctant to allow overnight stays.

Some parents would be fine with it, and as long as they had complete faith in the other parent's motives and ability then that's fine (although I'd be a bit about them introducing a relative stranger - ie the new partner - so early). This parent (ie the OP) isnt fine with it and that's completely understandable.

The overnight situation can be reviewed in a couple of months time. Most of us here have had babies of our own and know how much they change between 4 and 6 months, 6 months and 9.

FWIW Emily I do agree that maybe AIBU was not the right place to post this. BUt AIBU is a place for people to call things as they see them and I think that the OP is in too painful a place to see things rationally. It's hard to say, nobody knows the OP or the ex and how it would work. You can only take your own experiences and say what you think. I have spoken about when I had my daughter and went back to full time work. My DP was a SAHD and in reality the prime carer. His job was not great so he stopped working as I was earning more money. He struck up a strong friendship with his friends wife. It upset me greatly and I wanted to leave him at that point and take my daughter. I really wanted to punish him. We got through in because we had counselling. Having a small baby brings everything into sharp focus and it is hard to step back sometimes and see the big picture. Those of us who have been through this (and I am thinking of gordy) can maybe see things differently.

Everything I can find about this on the Internet suggests that removing a baby overnight from his/her primary carer can be distressing for both baby and primary carer. You do not have to do this. Only do it if you are COMPLETELY happy and comfortable with it. It is recommended that the non-primary parent has short bursts of time with baby, gradually becoming more over time. My DD didn't stay overnight with ex and family until she was two. Just ensure that when you are ready to be separated overnight, father gets first option - not grandparents etc.

I would never have let my DD stay overnight with ex when she was only 4 months old, same with DS...he is nearly 1 and a half and hasn't been away overnight anywhere. I am married now but wouldn't send DS overnight to grandparents or anywhere, or leave him overnight with DH until DS is at least two, as I am his primary carer even within our own home.

Each to their own, but check your options - don't give in just because other people on here say he has rights as a father. You know how close being (forced to be) a single parent has brought you to your own baby - you have more rights as the primary carer so do what is right for you and baby.

Dollyindub - I have read over most of the thread, including your replies to some of the posters, and I just wanted to say that you seem to be a very together person considering what your two timing utter tosser of an excuse for a man put you through just when you needed him most. (To all those who judge me for that statement - he should have left if he was unhappy, not start a relationship whilst within one already).

I hope you stand by what you believe and don't allow yourself to be walked over in the name of 'equality'. The fact that an earlier post of yours mentions that your ex can't settle the baby suggests you are doing the right thing by not allowing the overnight stay as you would be worried sick and baby would be distressed.

You sound like you are dealing with this fabulously - don't lose heart because of a few cruel posters - I would LOVE to really see how they would deal with it if they were in your shoes, I can guarantee it wouldn't always be the way they say it would be!

Best of luck xx

Its not about your ex and his new partner, its about your DS who should not be away from his mother for a night

I agree with seenenought, You do seem very together. You have been dealt an awful blow by to the start of motherhood. We are talking a small timescale here. Within four months you are a new Mother, you find out you are being cheated on and then you are on your own and heartbroken. Be kind to yourself, ignore the heartless/blunt posters on here. Take all the time you need, You have done really well so far, putting your feelings aside for the sake of your son - your son DOES have a relationship with his Father and you are not denying him that. You are a new mum and some of us forgot what those first few months are like. Maybe more access and overnighters are something you can aim for in future and work towards but it's your call, when you are ready.

Do you know I hate it when people call people for being honest

I have been in the ops situation ...worse in fact, and I have a different view ...I am allowed to voice that

I am also allowed to engage in a wider discussion without being called cruel

KC, being blunt does not mean you are heartless. I can't understand why so many posters with differing pov can't see that. Everyone here agrees on one thing, the welfare of the child. Not everyone sees things in the same way you do and that is fine. But to call those people who view differently to you heartless is just insulting. No mother would want to leave their child for a night at four months. But some of us have had to do that. I missed my daughters first steps because I was at work and my DP was SAHP. Of course I didn't want to be there. But at the time thats what I had to do. Yes a differing situation. But I don't think that makes me heartless to think that an overnight stay is not going to damage this child. But I can understand posters who think that maybe it is a little young.

But don't you think the OP has suffered enough without people calling her a bad person just because she isn't ready to hand her tiny baby over to her ex and a complete stranger overnight? When I used the word 'cruel' it was to describe the people kicking this poor woman whilst she's already down. Some people just need to express their opinion a little more kindly than they have.

I'm out, I have given all the advice I can give. Wishiing you the best Dolly.

YANBU

I would not leave my baby overnight regularly at 4 months old.

Lovelygoldboots - that really wasn't aimed at you, you really seemed to have expressed your opinion with kindness, and no-one is judging you for having to go back to work. It's just a shame some people earlier in the thread were so quick to judge the OP without considering how she's feeling.

I'm with goldboots x best of luck op

I hope you understand no one has called you a bad person x

OP
Much too young imo, and it is not only the OW that you don't know but her child too who is living with your ex. How old is her DC?