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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 21:00

'cry for hours' jeesuz your making things up now

i babysat for my grandson for the first time recently, he doesnt know me very well as i live 100 miles from my son and his dw, so i dont get to see them very often, and guess what? he ate, he laughed, then he slept all night, go figure?

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 21:00

The op has said he goes out with the baby and sees the baby away from her,its just overnights she's not happy with.

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 21:01

she does not 'allow' him to take the child anywhere but 'out' and her home - he has a home he can't take his kid to - that is controlling

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 21:05

I am sure when you have recovered a bit in the next year or whenever you will be able to think about access etc.

So because he has been a rubbish partner, he should be prevented from spending time with his son, whereas if he had stayed with the OP he could have spent as much time as he wanted with his baby. Would you be suggesting that a woman stays in a relationship in which she wasn't happy and if she didn't she should be kept away from her child??!!!

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 21:06

The first paragraph was a quote from Emily

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 21:06

to quote the op: 'The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.'

if thats not selfish, bitter and controlling, then im the queen of sheba!

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 21:06

Its not quite the same as not allowing contact really is it

gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 21:08

it's using contact to control him - just as bad

Blistory · 28/01/2013 21:10

Fathers for justice ? Don't make me laugh.

Women need to let go of this idea that they are automatically the best carer otherwise we'll never achieve equality. I think you'll find that the majority of feminists would agree that men should be more involved in parenting and that childcare shouldn't all fall on the woman by default. If some women feel threatened by that, they should be questioning why. Perhaps because society has assigned them a role whether they want it or not.

McNewPants2013 · 28/01/2013 21:14

So those who think a baby shouldn't be seperated from the RP overnight, how do you feel if the RP has to work nights.

while pregnant with my son, this was the case of some of the nurses on my ward.

Lovelygoldboots · 28/01/2013 21:15

I agree blistory. This idea that you are somehow a second class mum if you are not with your baby every second of the day is not helpful. It certainly made my return to work ten years ago when dd was 16 weeks agonizing. The guilt was horrendous. (and yes I still breastfed)

Original poster
dollyindub · 28/01/2013 21:17

I've been a long time lurker on MN - it was a great help when I was pregnant.. I was aware that AIBU can be a bunfight and thought quite carefully before posting, but the spite and nastiness from some posters has left me speechless. And in tears if I'm honest.
I didn't post on here to be hung out to dry with assumptions being made left, right and centre.
I thought I'd get a variety of responses, many saying IABU, but I will never post here again as some individuals seem to take delight in laying into me when truthfully I'm feeling like crap.
Thanks again to those of you who have been kind - even if you think IABU.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 28/01/2013 21:22

no one is laying into you - people are discussing what you posted on an open forum.

I was married OP - with 3 children including a 7mth old when my husband met another woman and left - they have my girls 3 nights a week and my children regale me with tails of Daddy and 'J' ll the time

I lost my marriage, my future, my house - I used to scream into pillows and cry myself to sleep but never ONCE did I stop them seeing their dad

you need to separate your feelings from this situation - stop being passive aggressive - keep getting support for your emotions and let your son have a relationship with his dad that you don't use to control him

Lovelygoldboots · 28/01/2013 21:22

I really hope I haven't made you feel like that dolly. You are in an undoubtedly shitty situation. I hope it all works out for you and that you do find support. Good luck, I hope you can work things out with ex

McNewPants2013 · 28/01/2013 21:24

dolly that is the nature of this fourm, threads get started an a discussion is formed.

What are your main worries about your baby spending over night his father's home?

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 21:25

ive not seen anyone personally attack you op, or be nasty to you, your well thought out post did not come across as being in the best interest of your ds, instead it made you sound bitter and resentful with no clear and valid reasoning for not allowing your ex to have his ds overnight, if telling you that makes me nasty then sorry but its the truth

ConfuzzledMummy · 28/01/2013 21:27

He should be able to see his father but until hes been with this woman for at least a few months he shouldnt even be thinking about introducing her to his son. Could you not compromise and tell him you dont feel comfortable for him to stay over just yet but he can see him during the day. Then you could maybe meet his girlfriend and then make a decision about him staying overnight.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 21:28

OP, I'm sorry if you have felt upset by some of the posts. It may be that mine have been some of them but the majority of posts which are likely to have upset you have been responses to other posters who have defended your actions and I and other posters disagree with them. I guess this thread has become a discussion about your situation rather than a discussion with you.

Perhaps you should try to give some thought to what all posters have said, not just those who agree with you. And i mean that in a genuine, non snidey way. Maybe it will help you to move forward if you can try to seperate his actions as a partner from his abilities as a Dad. I don't think anyone meant to upset you but just wanted to express their opinion as strongly as others who believe you are perfectly within your rights to restrict your ex's access to his and your son.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 21:31

I'm not sure my last post made much sense although it did in my head

Confused
elizaregina · 28/01/2013 21:34

Iwantanafternoonnap - put it beatifully.

Dolly, when I had my baby, I was put under tremendous emotional strain, I had trouble bonding with my DD because I couldnt relax and enjoy and felt like a third person was grasping wanting the baby ( not the DF), another family memeber.

I know what its like to have this pressure.

You dont need it you have enough.

Please please dont even read posts by some on here, Iwantan - put it beatifully and Hop and Skip are some of the more human posters here understanding that RIGHT NOW THIS MINUET, you are not ready to give.

For all those saying it must not be about her - I strongly disagree - a small life is depending on her right now - she has to be kept afloat to keep the baby afloat.

When the situation has calmed down and you have got into a proper rthyum with baby, I am sure you will be able to consider access et all.

Some people have no shame.

If I did this to my partner I would have the good grace to back off - and try to offer help, and put my personal needs on the back burner until the raw hurt had died down a little - then - start to talk about access and much later - over night stays!

It doesnt have to not happen just not RIGHT NOW.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 21:38

But perhaps if the OP would let her ex be a bigger part of their child's life then he could take some of the strain from her.

The OP and her ex are the two most important people in that baby's life, the ex isn't some irritating relative trying to grab her baby like in your situation Eliza

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 28/01/2013 21:43

So because we have a different opinion to you Eliza, we aren't humane?! Nice.

Actually I think that many of us are trying to see it from everyone's perspective, rather than just the OP's who has admitted why she doesn't want her ex to have proper access. No one has said it isn't difficult for the OP just that they don't believe what she is doing is right or fair

VinegarTits · 28/01/2013 21:44

yy you should only listen the the posters that agree with you op, the rest of us who are offering neutral advice and seeing things from a different perspective are all bad bad witches

Varya · 28/01/2013 21:48

No you are not being unreasonable. Baby son should be with his mother, not with his father's partner in their 'Love nest' You shouldn't even been asked IMO to consider this. Children come first and he is too young.

TheFallenNinja · 28/01/2013 21:49

I guess there's a difference between rights and responsibilities. Whilst he may well be within his rights is it, at this exact point in time, the responsible thing to do?

Carting a 4 month old to and fro can't be the right or responsible thing to ask for right now. Routine is difficult enough to build.

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