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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wibu to tell my 5 year old dd2 the truth about her thieving dad?

42 replies

Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:11

Hes frauded me out of almost 100 pounds between 4th and 22nd january.
Hes used my details somehow to download xbox games, police are involved.
Hes stolen from me before and stole the kids money out of their money box

Hes crap with them, he ignored dd2 when he came to see them the other day, he told me she had to wait until he was ready to talk to her ie take his coat off have a fag etc (outside of course) He doesnt interact with them or pay maintenance etc

She dotes on him and want to see him all the time but hes a very unstable person

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/01/2013 13:13

YABU

Dragging small children into wars between parents is a sure way to fuck them up totally.

She's 5 and she loves you both

Why would you want to do that to her?

katkouta · 28/01/2013 13:15

YABU I don't think it's necessary for a 5 year old to know about any of that.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 13:16

No, don't do that

She will learn soon enough that her father is a fuckwit. It's best she works it out for herself.

Original poster
Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:17

I dont think I would really worra, Im not that mean. Im just angry that he left us penniless this week and I couldnt feed them properly

There are some domestic violence issues too, He hit her so hard once she was bruised, Hes hit me too.

OP posts:
BigPigLittlePig · 28/01/2013 13:18

I think you have to be very careful - although he might be unstable a right nob as you say, and clearly has a bad track record, he is still her dad and she will dote on him for that reason alone. As far as I can see the most important thing is that he sticks to his end of the bargain wrt when he's going to see her. There can be nothing worse for any child to wait & wait to see someone, only for them to not turn up.

She will learn in time about his true character, and the best you can do is to protect her from getting hurt.

mumblechum1 · 28/01/2013 13:18

Of course you shouldn't tell her.

But for goodness sake if you are in danger, you don't have to take it; there is tons of support out there for you and your daughter.

Original poster
Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:18

ok fair enough I wont do it I promise, it just breaks my heart when shes crying for him and says she hates me. I havent stopped him from seeing her but hes just not a good person

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:19

welol he doesnt stick to the bargain anyway, he doesnt see her for weeks on end, then ignores her when he does

OP posts:
DeWe · 28/01/2013 13:20

You know if you tell her she'll probably ask him about it, and he will turn it round to make you out as the bad guy.
Let her find it out for herself.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2013 13:21

If you fear violence, you need to get proper supervised access sorted.

Sadly there are many men and women who are not good people, but their children love them just the same.

She will realise what he's like eventually, but even then it probably won't stop her from loving him.

BigPigLittlePig · 28/01/2013 13:22

ghosts I have a 5 year old dsd, my dh (her dad) is a wonderful dad. She clearly loves both her parents, but over the years has learnt exactly which buttons to press to ensure she gets what she wants. One of the ways is to tell either parent that she hates them. Ignore it, she doens't hate you at all, she hates that, to her mind, you are the reason she can't see her dad - and she will think this because you are the bearer of bad news.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 13:23

Is this access to her ordered by a court

Tbh, although I agree that good parents should share the care of the children when they separate, this is absolutely nothing like that is it ?

Does he come around purely to steal from you and mindfuck you ?

I would stop the contact, tbh. Is there any proof of his violence towards her, in case you need it ?

Reaa · 28/01/2013 13:25

She will figure it out for herself one day. Do you really have to keep up contact?

Original poster
Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:25

Sadly DeWe I think that this is true. He has two other children with an ex, and she told me that he used to be the same with her. He used to twist the truth to make him look better and turned a lot of people against her playing the victim card.

Worra, Im not sure where to go with regards to safeguarding. He does get very aggressive when he doesnt get his own way and I'm worried he will turn up here drunk one night. He has a borderline personality disorder too and is very needy

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 13:27

Christ Almighty, sounds like this man shouldn't be around children at all

Original poster
Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:28

no court access, was trying to do it all myself. I wouldnt know where to start. He cant commit himself to contact either, hes either /working irregular shifts/too tired/hungry/playing on xbox/playing darts at the pub yet cant afford maintenance Hmm

Its me that pushes for him to see them, but since the money fraud thing i just dont know

OP posts:
TranceDaemon · 28/01/2013 13:28

YWBU to tell your DD that her dad is a feckless wanker. YWNBU to completely stop access, in her best interests if he has been physically abusive towards her.

I think you'd be best getting him out of both your lives completely by the sounds of it.

Astley · 28/01/2013 13:31

Jesus there is no possible need for that Shock

You don't upset a small child because you are angry at a grown man. You just don't.

Original poster
Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:31

Hes hit her before now when we were together.

We also have another dd together who is two.

Theres so so much more to this but Im just giving the bare fact.

I remember coming home from the pics once and he made my eldest two chidren {not his0 stand in the corner for an hour because they were naughty. The neighbours told me they were hysterical

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:32

well as ive said astley Im not going to do it. I dont think I could

OP posts:
Reaa · 28/01/2013 13:33

It really does not sound like the DC have anything to gain from contact so why waste your time and effort. At least you tried for their sake but I really would not bother anymore.

Original poster
Ghostsgowoooh · 28/01/2013 13:34

I'm not going to, I just dont know what to say to her when she wants to see him, he rejects her and I dont think he's that safe anyway

OP posts:
PignutSalamander · 28/01/2013 13:39

Hi there is a lot of evidence that hearing parents bad mouth each other damages the child psychologically. It is not worth it even though he deserves it. It will damage your relationship with her.
You do not however need to cover up for him. When he fails to turn up and you get the brunt of it, treat her take her out and do something you know she will enjoy.
In the circumstances you describe he should not be getting access to your house. Please call women's aid for advice on contact centres in your area.
I really empathise with the idolising him thing, it is soul destroying. My best friends daughter is in a comparable position and we have agreed that as she gets older the not so nice things she needs to know about her dad will come from me. Do you have anyone that can fill that role in the future.
I'm sorry your in this position, I know it hurts not to be able to protect her from the constant let downs, all you can do is take the flak and be the parent she deserves. Please please call women's aid, you don not have to have this man in your house

PignutSalamander · 28/01/2013 13:40

Also contact centre access can be used as evidence in court if in future you need to deny access

PignutSalamander · 28/01/2013 13:41

Should have read * evidence from contacts centre access can be used in court