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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this Mother who is discouraging her DS from being friends with my DD?

62 replies

MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:07

DD is in reception and since she attended the attached pre school, has been close friends with a little boy.

She has quite a lot of friends but this one is special. He also adores her and she him.

When it was DDs parents evening last term, her teacher told me that they were discouraging the friendship because the little boy was too reliant on DD....they THOUGHT but weren't sure, that the dynamic wasn't good as he would not play with any others....they assured me that DD was not stopping him....just that together, they seemed too intense.

They began splitting them up.

This upset DD who missed her friend. The Mother spoke to me about it and said that she wanted her son to form friendships with boys...I understand that it is not good for a DC to only be friends with one child exclusively but does that mean the friendship should be discouraged completely?

I left things until this term and as DD was still mentioning the boy, I made a tentatve suggestion of him coming for tea at some point and the Mother did a nervous laugh and changed the subject.

Am I missing something? I have not had any complaints about DDs beaviour...she's kind and nice girl and she adores her friend. I know that the Mother has let her son go on other playdates with boys...she's always been terribly friendly to me in the past.

Shouldn't 4 year old's be allowed to be friends with who they like?

OP posts:
wanderingcloud · 27/01/2013 23:11

Awww that's really sad :(

YANBU - I'm surprised the school are backing this. There must be more to it surely?

Evangelinadreamer · 27/01/2013 23:14

How odd.

I would speak to the school and ask for their reasons on backing the discouragement of the friendship

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:15

I thought that too cloud but what? DDs teacher said that he was always with DD and a small posse of girls....could it be that his Mum doesn't want him with all the girs? And that she's asked for it to be stopped?

OP posts:
Ivehadbetterdays · 27/01/2013 23:15

I have a DD who is 3. Whenever she comes home from Playschool she only ever mentions boys names.
It seems a shame to discourage a friendship, especially at such a young age, but maybe someone with older children will have some valid points...Confused

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:16

Evangelina I think I will...they were rather vague really. It's an outsanding school...all that was said was that he was too reliant on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:17

Days I have another older child...I've never discouraged mixed sex friendships and other mothers have been quite pleased when their boys formed attachments with girls. It's nice and they learn from one another.

DD and her friend play a princess game...he rescues her on his scooter apparently. Smile

OP posts:
Thingiebob · 27/01/2013 23:18

It's crap isn't it? The same thing was done to my brother when he was a young child. He had a good friend who was female. The school made them sit apart and expressed concerns and so on.

Gradually the friendship dwindled naturally and he made friends with other boys.

pictish · 27/01/2013 23:18

My eldest always hung out with girls at that age. He started hanging out with lads more as he got older (he is 11 now)....but when he was little he wasn't into football or play fighting, so he preferred the company of the girls. It never bothered me.

How odd.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 27/01/2013 23:18

I would read between the lines: the little boy has struggled to embiggen his friendship circle, perhaps DD (at school) has been possessive over him, trying be exclusive so the parents, with schools encouragement, have been reducing opportunities for the intensity to build back up, and are still a bit wary, I would say.

Don't take it personally, the little boy's parents are thinking of THEIR child

And, FWIW, DS2's best mate is a girl, they've been firmest friends since pre-school (nearly age 11 now); she comes for sleepovers, they've taken DS on holiday, they are great mates indeed.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2013 23:19

I've got 3 boys and they have (and always have had) female friends.

It's possible that the parents want to discourage him from having all female friends and alienating himself from the other boys.

Yes I know it's not PC but if it's a real concern for the parents, that'll be why they spoke to the teacher.

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:20

Rght...you'v'e all made me determined to pop in. I'll just ask how she's doing generally and is she still playing with X a lot....and let them take the cue.

Then I will ask if they're still splitting them up. if they are I will ask why

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:20

Worra would the school listen to that and actually ACT on it though? It's so odd!

OP posts:
StraightTalkinSheila · 27/01/2013 23:20

Embiggen.
Best word ever.

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:21

Boys no...she's not possesive over him, I said upthread that she's not stopping him from mixing.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/01/2013 23:23

Yes if it was a real concern to the parents.

And if the school agree he's too reliant on her then it would make sense to them to kind of help him mix with others.

Many schools do the same with twins as they don't feel it's healthy for them to stick together at the cost of any other relationships they might form.

I think the most important thing here is that whether you agree with the parents or not...the school is at least trying to support what they're saying.

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:24

I just can;t believe parents get themselves so involved in their child's friendships tbh.

My older DD has made friends in the past that I''ve not been fond of for whatever reason but I NEVER interfere. I allow them to learn about friendships themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMushroom · 27/01/2013 23:25

Worra It seems a bit cruel I suppose.

OP posts:
Letmeintroducemyself · 27/01/2013 23:25

the boys mother has made her views clear, you dont know why, leave it alone because you risk embaressing yourself

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2013 23:26

Yes but they may feel their son playing Princess games with your DD and her friends will eventually alienate him from the boys.

Surely you can see that even if you disagree with it?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 27/01/2013 23:27

yes agree Worrra

Try to not be cross with the parents of the wee laddie, they are doing what they think is best for their kiddo, and it's of sufficient concern for school to agree to intervene.

Also there might be other stuff going down that you are not privy to (and why should you).

If DD should ask again for the child to come to tea or whatever, of course still invite him.

Ivehadbetterdays · 27/01/2013 23:27

Sorry mushroom, I didn't realise you had an older child yourself.
I wouldn't discourage it either. DD is into trains, cars etc rather than dollies so always prefers playing with the boys. I haven't got a problem with it at all.
My BF at infant school was a boy, until he moved schools. I still remember how sad I was when he left Sad

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 27/01/2013 23:28

If the parents have requested this for whatever reason or it has been decided because of the impact the friendship was having on the little boy then the school can only give you a vague answer. They can't give you details of another childs behaviour or parents requests.

Letmeintroducemyself · 27/01/2013 23:30

dont keep inviting him, his mother doesnt want him to

I am not saying I agree with her, but these are her views

FWIW I wont allow my reception child to go to tea anywhere for reasons that are private to our family

Ivehadbetterdays · 27/01/2013 23:32

I can see your point worra about him maybe being alienated later on, but isn't 4 a bit young to worry about it? Surely it will all change in a year or two anyway?

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2013 23:33

I think so Ivehad but either the parents/school don't, or there's more to it than the OP knows.

It's hard to know exactly what goes on but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in my own kid's schools Grin