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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly miffed that no one ever asks me anything about myself

66 replies

Evangelinadreamer · 27/01/2013 22:09

I probably am being unreasonable. Don't get me wrong,I don't want to talk about myself all the time,just the odd bit of interest in me or my life wouldn't go amiss.

I have 3 friends in my life, plus my sister, that take an interest in me and ask me how I am or about things that have happened. Anyone else I ever come across just talks about themselves. I am naturally a chatty, friendly person and I ask people about themselves, but it seems if people are asked anything then they see it as a green light to just talk away about themselves. Then the next time I see them, again it's all about them. And then the time after that, and on and on.

I went on a hen weekend a few months ago; 6 of us, one of whom I knew well (the bride) and I made a point of talking to each of the 4 other women that went. Each one was happy to answer any questions I asked about themselves, in fact they were all happy to talk and talk, yet I don't think a single person on that weekend away asked me anything about me. I feel I could almost write a life story for some that went, but I doubt any of them even remember my name.

It's the same with the mums at my DS's nursery; I make small talk with them each time I pick him up, and get along fine with them all, but no one ever asks me anything or seems to remember anything about me. Yesterday DS went to a party and I sat with the other mums for 2 hours and in all that time I don't think again anyone asked me anything at all. All effort in a conversation had to come from me.

Those are just two examples; it happens whenever I go anywhere that I meet people and need to make small talk. If I ever try to talk about myself with people no one ever listens, I just get a 'hmmmm' and then the other person resumes their chatter about themselves. Like I said, I don't want people to ask me questions constantly and certainly don't wish to talk about myself all the time, but it would be nice if occasionally someone would show an interest in me. DH says I need to be more aloof with people and a bit cooler and just not give much to conversations. Where am I going wrong?

OP posts:
mumto2lovelygals · 27/01/2013 22:19

It sounds to me like you are great at building relationships and a good listener. I work in a job where I need to listen and I also find that I tend to do most of the listening with my friends.

My only suggestion is share experiences so if you have done something similar then share it.

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 27/01/2013 22:21

Thank you mumto2 :). I find though that when I share experiences or go to talk no one wants to listen, they just keep talking about themselves. Also I don't know that I want to be a listener so to speak, as I think it could make me appear like a door mat?

OP posts:
larks35 · 27/01/2013 22:28

I think that is the difference between friends and acquaintances. In the social situations you describe (which I find quite difficult tbh), I find that I either ask others and their life starts a conversation or I am asked and I chat away about myself (but I find that more embarrassing). Sometimes, something someone else says relates to something in my life and I'll bring that up. Most of the time I am happy to talk about their life as I feel more awkward if it is me leading the story iykwim.

This is why I like having my few close friends, rather than dozens of acquaintances. Now that DS is 4, I'm finding I do need the acquaintants too and am learning to enjoy the chats I have with other parents at parties more. But, I don't expect the same interest and care that I get from my few friends.

larks35 · 27/01/2013 22:32

Why would you appear like a door mat just because you listen to people? And even if you do, then surely thats better than appearing like an attention-grabbing, me, me, me type of person.

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 27/01/2013 22:40

Yes, you're probably right larks35 I just would quite like it if occasionally someone showed an interest in me. Even a fleeting one

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 27/01/2013 22:49

I know exactly where you are coming from! Trouble is, we are good listeners, which is rare and most people don't listen to others at all. So they talk and we listen, and they like it so keep talking. They are, however, incapable of listening back.

I used to get upset by this. Now I just think fuck'em and talk over the top of them or walk off if they refuse to at least shut up for a few seconds.

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 27/01/2013 22:54

It's amazing how few people aren't capable of listening back isn't it? I think so many people are just totally self absorbed.

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 27/01/2013 23:09

Totally. I can guarantee that my MIL (who I love dearly) doesn't hear 4/5 of what I say. She genuinely spends the time inbetween utterances to think about what she wants to say next. Lots of people around like that!

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 27/01/2013 23:11

It's just so rude. When people just say 'hmmm' when you speak and you just know they aren't listening, they aren't interested and they don't want to know.

I'm not particularly loud either so I've never been one of those people that can just talk loudly and capture peoples' attention. I think I must just be very boring

OP posts:
MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 27/01/2013 23:46

I get this all the time too, I actually find it quite upsetting at times. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not that interesting!

thoughtsbecomethings · 28/01/2013 07:09

I thought this only happened to me, i am always being told i am a great listener and this is part of my job.
But sometimes feel so fed up that people don't ask me anything about myself.

Hyperballad · 28/01/2013 07:16

So what will you be doing today then Eve? :)

Hyperballad · 28/01/2013 07:20

Oh shit!

So tell me what your doing today then Eva?

(first rule of showing an interest in someone else: get their name right!!)

Iaintdunnuffink · 28/01/2013 07:36

This often happens to me, on meeting new people I will ask them questions, compliment them on something, listen and respond. Then at he end realise the person still know nothing about me.

I currently work for someone who describes himself as a People Person. I know everything about his family, holidays, grand kids, car he wants. Say he tells me about his latest cruise I will offer some info about my next holiday, like a normal conversation. At this point he will actually look away and starts doing something else Shock It's not just me he does it to others, except if they're above him in the work pecking order.

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 28/01/2013 09:29

Glad to hear I'm not alone!

Iaindunnuffink I find people do that to me too, in fact that is what happened at the kids' party. If I offered anything to the conversation other than questions or listening the people I was talking to would just switch off.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/01/2013 09:46

I know a lot of people like this. I could write a thesis on them and they would be hard put to fill a matchbox on me. I think FB has made it worse, tbh.

Some people are so obvious, they are revving themselves up whilst you are speaking. There's not even a pretence at listening.

I do think that's how you know someone's going to be a good friend, when you meet someone who is interested in you.

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2013 09:49

It's as though people don't understand the rules of conversation. I remember giving a couple a lift and to break the silence I'd ask a question (to do with where we were going) and they'd answer really enthusiastically, but not ask me what I thought. So I'd bring in another topic and again, they were happy as anything to tell me what they thought. I was aiming to get to 20 questions by the end of the journey - I hit 17 as we parked and they hadn't asked me one question in return, eg "How about you? What do you think?"

In an enclosed space I turn it into a game. If there's an open door, though, I walk away.

TheSkiingGardener · 28/01/2013 09:55

But do you shout House if you get to the magic 20 Imperial?

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 28/01/2013 09:57

I like the sound of your game Imperial!

I agree FB has made it worse. There definitely seems to be a culture of self obsessives on there, plus a load of bum lickers that do nothing except fuel the self obsessives behaviour.

OP posts:
WowOoo · 28/01/2013 09:58

Evangelina, I know exactly what you mean.

I came to the conclusion that pretty much everyone I spent time with on Friday was self absorbed. (ex work colleagues, not really friends)

I think you sound like a great listener and someone who is also thoughtful and interested in other people.

I can't suggest anything you could say or without it sounding a bit snide or bitchy or rude. Will have a think.

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 28/01/2013 09:58

How hilarious would that be, SkiingGardener? I need to try that game!

OP posts:
Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 28/01/2013 09:59

Thank you WowOoo, sorry to hear you have had similar experiences too.

OP posts:
WowOoo · 28/01/2013 10:01

I counted the number of times one woman said I.

I really, really wanted to say something. But, carried on counting. When she got to 30, I went off to get a drink Smile (get away from her).

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 28/01/2013 10:03

YANBU.

Loads of people nowadays have lost the art of conversation. I blame Tinternet.

HellonHeels · 28/01/2013 10:10

I hear you Evangelina I'm not a great talker so I do tend to encourage others to talk, but some bit of interest in me would be nice, occasionally.

I was brought up by an intensely self-absorbed mother, so have been well-trained; the pattern of me listening and others not showing an interest in me is embedded. I've wondered if somehow I am drawn to people who will perpetuate that dialogue. I don't know how to break it though.