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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly miffed that no one ever asks me anything about myself

66 replies

Evangelinadreamer · 27/01/2013 22:09

I probably am being unreasonable. Don't get me wrong,I don't want to talk about myself all the time,just the odd bit of interest in me or my life wouldn't go amiss.

I have 3 friends in my life, plus my sister, that take an interest in me and ask me how I am or about things that have happened. Anyone else I ever come across just talks about themselves. I am naturally a chatty, friendly person and I ask people about themselves, but it seems if people are asked anything then they see it as a green light to just talk away about themselves. Then the next time I see them, again it's all about them. And then the time after that, and on and on.

I went on a hen weekend a few months ago; 6 of us, one of whom I knew well (the bride) and I made a point of talking to each of the 4 other women that went. Each one was happy to answer any questions I asked about themselves, in fact they were all happy to talk and talk, yet I don't think a single person on that weekend away asked me anything about me. I feel I could almost write a life story for some that went, but I doubt any of them even remember my name.

It's the same with the mums at my DS's nursery; I make small talk with them each time I pick him up, and get along fine with them all, but no one ever asks me anything or seems to remember anything about me. Yesterday DS went to a party and I sat with the other mums for 2 hours and in all that time I don't think again anyone asked me anything at all. All effort in a conversation had to come from me.

Those are just two examples; it happens whenever I go anywhere that I meet people and need to make small talk. If I ever try to talk about myself with people no one ever listens, I just get a 'hmmmm' and then the other person resumes their chatter about themselves. Like I said, I don't want people to ask me questions constantly and certainly don't wish to talk about myself all the time, but it would be nice if occasionally someone would show an interest in me. DH says I need to be more aloof with people and a bit cooler and just not give much to conversations. Where am I going wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 28/01/2013 10:12

I sometimes think I am inadvertently drawn to that kind of person too due to issues with my mother. I think perhaps whereas a lot of people would just walk off or make excuses and go if interest wasn't being reciprocated, some of us just sit there and take it

OP posts:
JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 28/01/2013 10:18

I think sometimes it can be awkward to ask questions. I am paranoid about being seen as someone who is nosy or prying so I hate asking people questions during a chat, unless I've known them a long time and know they won't think "none of your bloody business!" - I will ask how they are, how was their weekend or whatever but I tend not to ask anything more personal, so in that way yes it can be 6 months of schoolyard chats and I still don't know someone's surname or what they do, but it's not because I don't care or they're boring, it's just lack of confidence on my part probably. Blush

DianaOfThemyscira · 28/01/2013 11:13

I talk for Britain, and am happy to answer any questions about my life, but don't like to be seen to pry in others' lives, so don't have confidence to ask so much. I'm a good listener and will happily listen to volunteered information, but I wouldn't dig. Maybe this is why?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/01/2013 11:45

You know though that when your name comes up in conversation Evangelina the others will say of you, "Oh she's lovely! What a nice person!" and say how great you are and how easy to get along with. Because it won't occur to them that you might have your own story to tell, they'll just remember how nice and interested in them you were. If you are polite enough to get the conversation started and keep it going, people are flattered into thinking they are rather wonderful

If they don't follow up with some question for you or show interest, or they glaze over once you talk about yourself, it's not you being dull or uninteresting, they can't cope not being in the spotlight. Move away!

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2013 12:01

For those saying you don't like asking questions, I can understand that and am not suggesting shining a light on them and interrogating them! If someone says, "What did you do this weekend?" it's only good manners, after you've answered to say, "How about you? What did you do?" Nobody is going to tell you to mind your own business then! If you don't ask and just talk about what you did, it sounds as though you're not interested in what the other person did.

Springdiva · 28/01/2013 12:12

I think it's the difference between friends and aquaintances.

With friends they know alot about you and your interests/family so will be interested in the next installment. With aquaintances it's more superficial.

If you can find things you have in common eg butt in with 'my child/husband/dog/car is just the same blah blah' then you have stuff in common to discuss.

Or you could ask for help/advice/how did they cope with/ where do they buy etc then they will feel good because they are 'helping' you (and might ask how it went the next time they see you). Just blabbing about your life is boring for both the blabber and the listener.

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 28/01/2013 12:13

What I find with non listeners is they are quick to tell stories about what others have said and done. And I think to myself "Oh you do listen to some people then? Just clearly not to me"

OP posts:
Phineyj · 28/01/2013 12:15

I couldn't agree more that this is a general problem, not just you OP!

I hate most weddings for this reason. My god, the tedium of being trapped at a table for hours and hours with people who don't show any interest in people they don't already know.

Still it means when you do meet someone nice who listens they really stand out!

Iggity · 28/01/2013 12:22

Have noticed this a lot but really only in the past few years. I actually feel quite shocked now when someone shows some interest in me.

Hyperballad · 28/01/2013 17:35

So how's your day been today then Eva?

CruCru · 28/01/2013 18:33

I know what you mean. It's exhausting having to listen to someone witter on with no opportunity to contribute yourself. I know people who, if you take a sharp intake of breath or clear your throat, talk louder and faster so you can't jump in (I try not to see them very often). It's a bit like when a car wants to pull out but the other car is keeping only two inches in front to make damn sure that no one can get in front of them.

Anyway. Enough about me. What are your goals for this week?

irishchic · 28/01/2013 19:46

I have started to notice this with a couple of friends of mine. I met them for coffee today and apart from when I asked them how their weekend was/how their skiing trip went, respectively, I may as well not have been there. I found it really irritating tbh.

thebody · 28/01/2013 19:51

Well stop asking questions then.

Also drop so called friends who just take take and never listen.

You say you have 3 close friends and a sister who listens and is interested in you? How many more do you need?

LeChatRouge · 28/01/2013 20:00

eva I think some people are good listeners and some people just need attention. I spent the weekend on an intensive two day training course and we had hour long lunch breaks. None of us knew each other and I politely made conversation with some of them; this consisted of asking them about what made them choose the course, did they have to travel far, did they have families etc.

The replies consisted of a series of stories about their lives. I want to do this because........ I live in so-and-so with my family consisting of.....

Do you know what? Not one single person could tell you anything about me! I don't class this as conversation really, a question followed by a monologue. A conversation to me is people sharing experiences, worries, knowledge. It involves talking and listening.

I actually think its very rude and think that real friends will be interesting and interested.

GrendelsMum · 28/01/2013 20:40

I was also brought up not to ask personal questions, so I'd always wait for someone to indicate a topic that they're happy to talk about, IYSWIM, rather than going straight in with questions. You often see on Mumsnet that what looks like a pleasant question can be inadvertenly quite upsetting to someone, even if it's as simple as 'what did you do at the weekend?'.

survivingwinter · 28/01/2013 21:11

YANBU and this really gets to me too! You're obviously a good listener and an empathetic person OP and people take advantage of it.

I believe many people have become totally introverted, people have lost genuine interest in one another and the art of small talk is disappearing. As one poster said above I'm almost shocked when I get asked a question about me these days and I even include close friends in this. I think it's really sad because we'd all get a lot more out of life if we started listening to one another.

havingastress · 28/01/2013 21:15

Oh, you could be me!!!

I realised last time I saw my inlaws that neither of them ever ask me anything. In fact, despite the fact that they've known me for 3 yrs now, I honestly don't think either of them have any clue of my life before DH, because they have never asked.

For an amusing experiment last weekend, I decided to stop starting every conversation, and decided I was going to let them ask me something. The silence lasted for 8 minutes Grin

Some people are just rude. Or thick. Or both Grin

And we shall remain chatty and enthusiastic -bugger em! Grin

aftermay · 28/01/2013 21:24

You sound easy to get along with and that you've mastered the art of conversation. Shame it's being wasted on some people...

bossybeetroot · 29/01/2013 09:52

YANBU

Met some friends yesterday.....none of them listened to anyone else.......just gave monologues and had no interest in how anyone else was unless it related to them and they could tell a story about it.

My good friends listen to me...but they are few on the ground.

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 29/01/2013 13:31

I'm so glad it doesn't just happen to me. I think as some of you have said, people aren't good at the art of conversation and so many people these days are just insular and self absorbed

Spent the morning with a very good friend today and it was lovely to have a 2 way conversation and to have someone to chat to that takes a little interest in me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 30/01/2013 13:00

Sorry to keep ranting on this thread but I was thinking last night that all my 'friendships' depend upon me making effort. If I have any time where I feel down, or don't go on FB to comment on photos and statuses, or am extremely busy so can't contact anyone, then contact totally stops. It's like I am always relied upon to make the first move, and people only contact me or make any effort with me if, and only if, I make the effort first. Very few people seem to want to keep in contact with me just because they want to, it's all conditional. Is this the way of the world these days or is it me?

My tiny handful of good friends don't do this, of course, but all other friendships and acquaintanceships seem to follow this pattern. It drives me mad.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/01/2013 13:16

I ran the gist of this thread past my DH last night to check it's not just a female observation, (NB promise am not a hairy handed trucker called Dave parked at Watford).

He at once agreed and said people do sometimes blether on without drawing breath to exchange information. We used to have a Debating Club at school maybe they just run Dialogue Clubs so we learn how to talk to each other.

Yes sometimes I get the feeling I have to work at sustaining friendships. If I didn't and then felt I missed out, I guess I'd only injure myself. People often say, we can't expect the world to revolve round us - well no but a bit of give and take makes it all the sweeter.

ppeatfruit · 30/01/2013 13:26

YANBU at all.Possibly one reason for this is that it seems that people have such busy lives now (our DD2 and DS are always flying off somewhere) that you have no time to hear all the details on the phone and vice versa .We do live abroad for 50% of the time so email and skype which tends to be one sided too, phones are so expensive!

I was talking to my Mum when she rang last night and we had a proper conversation, afterwards I thought how rare it was!!

Original poster
Evangelinadreamer · 30/01/2013 13:50

Donkeys I think you are right, we'd only injure ourselves if we didn't make the effort but it's just such hard work isn't it? Sometimes I just think friendships shouldn't be that hard. It's good to hear things from a male perspective too. I talked about it with my DH but he's so laid back he's horizontal and he just said 'Erm yeah, why do you think I rarely bother with people?'. I don't think men need the interactions and friendships that us women need.

ppeatfruit, it's lovely to have a proper conversation isn't it? I've had one this morning, albeit a text one, with a very good friend and it was nice to actually be listened to (or read Grin) and to actually interact with someone who wants to know about me.

OP posts:
timeismoney · 30/01/2013 13:59

I get this all the time too!!

It doesn't bother me that much, except for when there is a common ground with someone that they totally fail to exploit in a conversational way, and will just drone on at you about it without ever saying anything like "how do you find it" or "is it like that for you".

Examples if I'm not making myselves clear - the hairdresser who droned on and on at me for half an hour about what it's like having 2 dds of 4 and 2 as if I had no bloody clue even though I'd told her I had 2 dds the same age. E.g.

"you see, now my youngest is at pre-school I have a bit more time to do jobs and things, though I sometimes feel as though I should be doing more with her" etc etc.

How bloody difficult would it be to day "do you find that with yours as well?"

Or my next door neighbour droning on and on at me about his dog, as if I'm not also standing there with a bloody dog.