To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

Chinese was lush. Will order special curry next time. Sounds right up DH and DS1's street. DS2 is a fussy bugger and only eats bland, tasteless food.

Your mum sounds like an absolute star. Listen to her.

Big hugs to you and DD.

You are amazing. Don't ever let anybody make you doubt that.

X

Oh and Geoff. If I feature in your book - I don't care what I'm called. But can I be glamorous please???

I'm just so so scared. Not a wink of sleep

Make I'm so sorry you're struggling.

I honestly don't think you need to feel scared right now. You are doing all the right things and it sounds like you are a great Mum to your DD :)

What are you scared of this morning in particular?

Sure, Cat - just PM me and I'll tell you what I need from you :)

Make, you need to go to your GP and ask to be referred for some counselling. You need to change your thought patterns and that's hard to do on your own when feeling low and scared. The one thing I will say to you is that YOU are enough for your DD, your family all love and adore her and that is enough for her. Your hurt for her because of how her 'dad' and his family treat her and you, isn't something she knows or feels herself. You need to gain some confidence in what you are doing, and try not to dwell on the other stuff. The simple fact is, those people have an agenda and that is to make you suffer because they are mean fucked up people. You need to be able to detach yourself from that, to live away from the effect they have on you. Just key your mum deal with them, and get on with bring the best mum you are fit your DD.

That should be 'move' away from the effect and 'let' your mum deal.

Thank you I'm trying it always happens at weekends doesn't it when The doctors isn't open!
I think I'm just so scared of the unknown and having to give DD away for days when she is so tiny to these nasty people.
Not Geoff- I would love to help too x

I think court now is the only way to go as he's emailed this morning asking for photographs and said he can't see her today but wants her alone one lunch 12-6 next week.
Do you think if I post another thread asking if anyone has been to court regarding contact and if they could share their experience with me it might help as I have been looking into it all this morning and it seems terrifying if I'm honest.
My family will support me through the process and believe its the only way now as I have regressed substantially over a 24 hour period. It's more final and set in stone. DD is protected, that way. She can have a relationship with her dad should he wish and I am sheltering myself from it.
She may not feel how I feel but she seems to be picking up on it and I don't like that- makes me very .

I just cannot believe these people, it is one thing to do this to me but to have no thought and consideration for DD and her needs are something else.
I need to do this now, because my life needs to go on. I need to provide DD with a fantastic mummy. I need to be strong for DD. not sit here doubting myself and picking holes in what I have done, it's not healthy and as a reply has just said my whole thought process is warped. Just as I pick myself up and move forward, I feel them breathing on my neck and pulling me back.
I need to break this cycle don't I?

I think a new thread on the legal board would be a great idea. I think you're in a position to be the one calling the shots, but I don't have experience in that field.

You need to get things formalised, set in stone so that you can move on. :)

Make, in your shoes I'd suggest he find out the details of a contact centre near you and get back in touch once he's made the necessary arrangements for seeing your DD. anything else he can whistle for. You do not need to yield to his whims on when he wants to see your DD. if he shows willing to go to the bother of setting up a contact centre for him to spend time with your DD, keeps up regular pre-arranged contact, then things can progress as they need to for your DD. You need to protect yourself from his indifferent attitude to maintaining interest so tell him you'll make DD available for 1 or 2 hours contact per week/fortnight at a contact centre near you for him to see and spend time with DD to start with. He keeps that up for a period of say 3 mths, you can then discuss how to move on from that once he's shown the commitment to your DD. it'll all be recorded when he turns up/cancels etc. if he can't commit. If he fails to even arrange it, then that reflects on him, not you. And you'll be as prepared for court as its possible to be - making DD available is your responsibility, his is to take the offer of contact on the terms offered. Refusal won't reflect well on him.

Bunch- thank you for your advice. Sadly I have done that but he refused and launched a torrent of abuse. He wants her all day and overnights straight away as he lives a way away. If I won't do that he starts the abuse, then the ignorance and just when I think he has gone he comes back. With his demands.
Hence I think court is the only way now

Make, if you post all this in legal, detailing the method of communication between you, what evidence/records you have, and his response to your suggestions on how contact should begin, then hopefully you'll get good feed back over what to expect if he does go to a solicitor. Just remember, it's the court that has final say - just because something is typed in a solicitor's letter doesn't mean it's true or you have to comply with anything suggested. Just stick to your initial suggestion re starting in a contact centre and try to ignore any digs at you etc.

Thank you for to time.
What do I do in regards to his plans to see her in the week?

You stick to what you have said before. He arranges a contact centre, on a day that suits, and you'll bring DD along so he spends time with her. If he refuses, you ignore his abuse. You might want to speak to the non emergency police number if he starts anymore abuse, just so it's recorded that you have concerns about his treatment of you. You need to hold on to the fact that he can ask for the moon if he likes, he isn't getting it! YOU are your DD's main carer, and you can determine how/when/how long/how often contact happens at this point, not him. As long as you are maintaining your responsibility to make DD available for contact you think is reasonable, then he's just going to make himself out to be a twat every time he has a tantrum. Like Smaltzing says, he cannot expect adhoc contact arrangements for such a small child, so he needs to wise up if he's got any hope of spending time with your DD. Keep your resolve, if you back down he'll just think he can bugger off for another few months and kick off some more next time he remembers he's got a DD.

He will not do a contact centre full stop. He won't give me a day. He says he will not be dictated too by me. So if I book a contact centre, try and get a day and time from him and do the contact order in the background.

I think I forgot to update after everything but the CSA have reopened my case and it has gone through. He stop maintenance payments when they contacted him so it's all noted.
I think this is the sudden urge to see her due to trying to manipulate me to drop it as it will have cost him X amount to come and see her!

Make, just tell him you will not be making DD available for adhoc contact and ignore his tantrum. If he won't even tell you which day, now, when he's asking for contact, don't bother trying to arrange a contact centre. You would be wasting your time and money trying to take him to court. He won't be compelled to stick to it - court orders only compel you to make DD available for the contact stipulated in the order. Stick to the wording Schmaltzing says about what he is asking for/agreeing to. Treat him like the fuckwit he is and repeat your stance whenever he contacts you. Do not deviate as he'll just take that as weakness on your part and keep coming back when it suits him to turn the screw.

Make, if you don't feel strong enough to say all this to him, or his abuse is getting to you, please let your mum or dad deal with him for you.

Thank you.
I just feel like I'm living a nightmare.

Make, my love, you're looking at this the wrong way round.

YOU don't organise a contact centre. You say to him all the research and wisdom available suggetsts that children do not benefit from sporadic contact and that if he wishes to set up regular contact, HE needs to arrange it through a contact centre near her. You will then comply with whatever the contact centre recommends.

I know he won't do it. I know he will kick off. But that is not your problem. Just keep replying "This is the way forward that I will agree to, and the way forward I feel is in DD's best interests. Any abusive texts from you will not be responded to." If he is abusive, that is all fodder for your case. Record every abusive text in a file somewhere with the date and content.

What Casserole said. Let him sort access if he wants it.

If he is abusive, block his number and force him to use email. You don't have to listen to his tantrums.

But he won't do it and in years to come will tell DD it was all my fault, he will manipulate her how he did to me for the duration of our relationship.
The worst thing is I know you are right, i am just so desperate