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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset regarding contact.

999 replies

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:50

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 11:47

That's a great idea thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 13:04

ARRRRRRGH
Just had a message asking me to take her to his parents this weekend so they can all see her.
HELP

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 13:05

she's teething not well and I do not want her sat in the car that long Hmm

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 22/02/2013 13:09

Far too short notice.

You can offer similar visit to valentines day again and see what he says-IF you feel up to it.

He's just tantrumming.
He says HE cant afford to come and visit her but expects YOU to afford to travel to visit him and or his parents? Double standards or what.

they're basically wanting to get you alone and badger you again

flumposie · 22/02/2013 13:09

Ignore the text. If they want to see her they need to come to you. You owe them nothing, if they want a relationship with her they will make it happen . Good luck to you and your daughter in the future.

Inertia · 22/02/2013 13:12

Don't respond to him immediately. Leave it a while.

Then check to see whether there's a time that one or both of your parents can accompany you to meet with Twunt Family. If this weekend isn't convenient, then tell him that you already have plans and it's too short notice.

Then suggest days/ times that are convenient for you and your parents, and suggest a suitable meeting place close to you. It might be worth you finding out the details for a convenient contact centre so that records of contact can be checked back if this ever does go to court.

Remember he doesn't actually want to see the baby, he just wants to make you dance to his tune.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 13:12

I have to reply just incase it ever goes to court- to show I'm not witholding contact.
How about-

Hi, she's not well at the moment so tr journey is too short notice, and too far for DD. It's also not financially viable for me. You are all more than welcome to come down here to see her for a few hours with me. This needs to be arranged by this evening.

(We all know he's not going to come but you know how it is)

OP posts:
Inertia · 22/02/2013 13:14

You do need to reply, but it doesn't need to be instantly :)

flumposie · 22/02/2013 13:15

That's a fair offer. Please make sure your parents are there if they come.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 13:16

No chance would I go alone Wink
I think I'm being more than fair

OP posts:
BambieO · 22/02/2013 13:20

Good response, go for it Flowers

Whocansay · 22/02/2013 13:20

Dear FW. You are very welcome to visit your daughter, however, it is not my reponsibility to ferry her round the country for the benefit of your relatives. I can meet you and your parents between the hours of X and Y at Z location. Please respond before 8pm this evening or I will assume that you won't be coming. In future, please give me proper notice of your intentions as it may not be convenient. Regards MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong

Inertia · 22/02/2013 13:21

Others will have better ideas than me, but I'd consider something that outlines in a positive way exactly what you are willing to arrange.Maybe something like:

We have plans this weekend, I'm afraid, we'll need more than a few hours notice to arrange contact visits. I'm happy to come to an agreement with you about establishing regular planned contact in a mutually convenient contact centre. When agreeing a location we need to bear in mind that health and safety guidelines recommend that young babies spend no more than 2 hours (or whatever it is now , you'll need to check!) in car seats, and also that as I currently have no income I cannot afford to incur travel costs.

ratspeaker · 22/02/2013 13:27

well done, a few weeks ago you'd be taking her just because he SAID SO.

I think you are wise to offer an alternative, so he cant say you are witholding contact.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 13:31

Your all so lovely. It's all your help making me strong

OP posts:
Whocansay · 22/02/2013 13:34

You know he only wants to get you on your own with his lot so he can berate you. He must know that his demand that you ferry dd round to him is unreasonable. The cunt.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 13:48

He's so arrogant and ignorant but I'm actually not sure if he realised what he's doing if I'm honest

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GregBishopsBottomBitch · 22/02/2013 13:51

Make Oh he knows hes doing, they always know, even deep down if they think its unreasonable, they wont change it, because they convince themselves it works. Now hes getting stroppy to try and make you feel unreasonable enough to back down.

Whocansay · 22/02/2013 13:56

It's all about control Make. He's trying to get you back in line. Stay strong, as what you do in these first few months will set the pattern for the next 18 years.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 14:06

If his family were any sort of human beings they would understand wouldn't they?
But they have prob heard so many lies

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GregBishopsBottomBitch · 22/02/2013 14:13

My ex was a total arsewipe to me, even lied to his parents that he was paying me maintenance, they still hes the best father in world (yeah right).

Its like a denial thing, "I made this nasty twat, no i possibly couldnt have, its everyone elses fault he does those things".

SpanishLady · 22/02/2013 15:37

de-lurking - Just to give you a possible future glimpse from your DD's perspective:

I had a bit of a useless father who I didnt see realy until I was about 10 - my mum was very unhappy about this and would have preferred he had stayed out of my life but my step dad said he was my father and I was old enough to make my own decisions about a relationship with him.

Let me be clear, he is not a bad man - never agressive or unkind or anything but quite simply and I say this without any sadness or without any drama - he just didnt love me - not really.

So I started having contact but he was flaky about it - to be fair he lived outside the UK but unless my mum called him to arrange to put me on a plane (each summer holiday) I didnt hear from him from one visit to another, when he did see me my step father paid to enable me to see him, never asked me one question that I can remember about me - just questions about my mum and what she was doing. I used to think there was something wrong with me before I met him and my mum didnt like to talk about him (didnt know his name what he looked like etc until I was 10) but once I did meet him I understood what it was all about - at 10 I could see through the bullshit and saw excactly how the land lay. My mum made a mistake being so uptight about him but she neednt have worried that I wouldnt see him for what he was.

You need to show your daughter that you did your best and were reasonable but she will ultimately have to decide for herself about him and I think unless he grows up she will know hes no good.

But that is for the future - right now she is a baby and you call the shots and only you.

Personally I would not reply to any messages that arent about making sensible and polite suggestions about the child and her access to her father and his family - if he sends you an email shouting and screaming - ignore - you only respond to polite and respectful messages - he'll either finally learn or give up.

Frankly I would do nothing and hope he just gives up.

Going to colleage is such a great step but you also need to live all your life - you are a young woman with opportunities.

I wondered why you didnt go on your date?

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 15:43

Thank you for that Spanish, very
Kind of you.
I didn't go as I hate leaving DD. I don't go out very much to be honest. I was thinking about starting Internet dating now I feel stronger but to be honest I think I'd rather be alone and I've no idea what id say about myself. Or how to explain why I am not working and in a different county to my job. Plus no one would want me anyway. Nothing too me apart from DD, in the nicest way.
I was just sat here wondering what happened to his solicitor explaining it to me?
Because im sure we've had this conversation about going up there twice this week Wink.

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 22/02/2013 15:55

Plus no one would want me anyway. Nothing too me apart from DD, in the nicest way.

Make Theres what i've learned about you:

  1. Very Witty
  2. A great mum
  3. Gaining strength everyday
  4. Independent
  5. Very sweet

and also i think someone who'd be a great friend. You just had the misfortune, of bagging a twunt, and lets face, we all have at some point.

When your ready to put yourself out there, dont be afraid too, but dont rush it.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 22/02/2013 15:57

No Greg I think you sound fab actually Smile

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