RE 11yo DD's hair-do?

[NoonarAgain]

I am feeling dreadful because I got cross with 11 yo DD today and want to ask if IABU.

We were rushing for school and I called out to ask if DD was ready to go, she then emerged wearing some plastic ear rings, a sparkly head band and a massive high pony tail sprouting out of the top of her head. (Now, I like children to dress like children and really hate a lot of the precocious fashions marketed at young girls.) I have probably made the look sound quite comical but she looked really cheap and tbh it gave me rather a shock.

So... rather than explaining calmly why I wanted her to re do her hair etc, I shouted saying she looked a fright and did she want to look like a rough teenager etc etc. I am a bit ashamed of how I dealt with it tbh, but was so taken aback by how my little girl looked .

Now, I know that I handled it badly, so I am NOT asking AIBU to have got cross, because I know that I was wrong. BUT... was I wrong to make her re do her hairstyle because of concern about how it made her look?

Except me of course

Obv. There can only be one Hully.

That's great stunt girl

The pics, oh, and my uniqeness

I would just be glad my 11yo had bothered to do her hair without my chasing her round the house with a brush. My dds are pretty slovenly.

I wouldn't yell about a naff ponytail, or a tarty skirt, etc. Their choice, however much I might shudder.

hully, mrsjay, thanks for your empathy.

you are so right, it was absolutely vicky pollard.

am going off now, as dc are home, but do feel free to discuss further.

I let my dds do their own hair by this age. Weird and wonderful were the styles and that's great by me.

My dd hit puberty at 11 and its all about helping her change from a child to young woman and she will be trying to take some control.

Hair isn't really important. A high pony won't make her a 'chav'.

It is tough op and totally get you but hair isn't worth the battle.

Nothing to discuss. You're an uptight snob you totally over acted to your little girl taking her first faltering steps to experimenting with her body image.
I imagine she's got the message loud and clear now and won't be trying to look like any of those skanky, common little tarts from the local council estate again.

Job well done Mrs Bucket.

Thing is LaQueen if my dds turned up at their school looking like you describe their lives would be a permanent misery.

Probably be bullied tbh and it's a very successful mixed comp in a very mixed area.

Kids have to fit in to their environment ,as yours are clearly doing,or else
A hard life for them.

You ask if you are "right to try influence... out of concern for how they are presenting themselves to the world" - you mean that the world might judge her? Are you trying to save her from such judgement? By doling it out first? People judge people based on looks, sure, first impressions count - but people who judge people they know and love based on their looks are just, well...

Did you bring her up telling her it's "what's on the inside that matters?" Because by acting in the way you did, you just told her that's total shit. Also that you're a hypocrite.

You don't seem to have the necessary tact to be able to "influence" rather than isolate her. Fwiw, she won't always be 11, and she'll rebel if you constantly disrespect and judge her in this way. I think you owe her an apology.

I am trying very, very hard not to give the OP the benefit of the doubt, but the language is fucking awful - "rough", "chavvy", "tarty".

I would hit the roof if I heard my son come out with any of those expressions when describing how someone looked.

A gazillion years ago I was regularly, in as many words, called a slag by my mother's dickhead of a partner because of the way I dressed.

What you're saying OP is clearly not in quite the same league, just tread carefully that's all.

If she's dressing too old for her age (Disclaimer: I loathed the Let Girls be Girls thing because I found it hideously sexist and unpleasantly pearl-clutchy) all you need to do is explain that sometimes people can assume that you are older than you are, and you can end up in situations that you are too young too handle*. Dress up and experiment at home, but don't go out dressed like that.

That's what my mum told me. It made sense then (well at least until I was about 13, when I started dressing like a "slag" ) and it makes sense now.

• Before I get flamed (understandably) when I say "situations you are too young too handle" I am not victim blaming or saying girls in short skirts are asking for it or any of that bollocks, I mean you are prone to being chatted up by possibly quite perfectly nice chaps who'll assume you're 15 rather than 11, which can be confusing and is something 11yos aren't generally ready for.

Bollocks. I am trying very, very hard not to give the OP the benefit of the doubt

Jenai, your mum sounds great.

It must be a shock when your little girl comes downstairs suddenly looking all grown up and not looking how you would want her to. But I think fashion faux pas are all about growing up.

I can still remember my mum going mad at me for how I was dressed, but probably because it happened so infrequently, I can remember two occasions. When I was 9 and my friend had done my makeup and hair to look like Madonna. And when I was 13 and, I don't remember what I was wearing but it was very short and probably made me look much older, and I always looked more grown up being quite tall and well developed anyway.

So while the language the OP used wasn't great, I can understand it as my mum came out with something similar on those occasions. It comes out of worrying and caring.

OP, imagine this scenario:

"I (OP) was about to leave the house to go meet some friends, I'd tried hard and made an effort to do my hair and put together some nice accessories. I came down the stairs and my daughter shouted saying I looked a fright and did I want to look like mutton dressed as lamb etc etc."

Would you think she was being reasonable? How would that make you feel? Confidence riding high? Self-esteem intact?

Oh God I'm doing that wading-in-and-flaming thing when the OP as admitted to being a bit U, haven't I? Sorry

This is one of those issues I feel very strongly about.

I (OP) was about to leave the house to go meet some friends, I'd tried hard and made an effort to do my hair and put together some nice accessories. I came down the stairs and my daughter shouted saying I looked a fright and did I want to look like mutton dressed as lamb etc etc."

I'm sure I've seen threads like that actually. It's a knee jerk reaction, as I said, not ideal but surely we all speak before we think at times.

Oh she was brilliant, cheese (other than for sticking with the dickhead boyfriend for so long )

Yes Laqueen If there's a uniform then it should be rigidly adhered to as that makes it much easier for parents to deal with this problem.

Loving your girls looking like Maria in sound of music.

Poshcat, why the need to be so spiteful?

i have been feeling awful all day for my bad handling of the situation. and i have admitted that i made a mistake. my dd is now home and we have made amends.

i have received some good advice on here and some people have given me real food for thought (eg jeanai- has given real constructive criticism, but in a civil way.) however, i have been upset by some of the spiteful comments on this thread, tbh, which have felt like a complete character assassination and critique of my parenting based on one unfortunate incident, by people who don't even know me.

i wonder what some people are so inclined to twist the knife. i have been on mumsnet 10 years and never felt the need to do so.

Op we all do this at some point. We all say things we regret because we are human and parenting is bloody hard work.

Glad you and dd have chatted and she will probably remember and laugh with you over this episode sooner than you think.