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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

RE 11yo DD's hair-do?

155 replies

NoonarAgain · 25/01/2013 12:43

I am feeling dreadful because I got cross with 11 yo DD today and want to ask if IABU.

We were rushing for school and I called out to ask if DD was ready to go, she then emerged wearing some plastic ear rings, a sparkly head band and a massive high pony tail sprouting out of the top of her head. (Now, I like children to dress like children and really hate a lot of the precocious fashions marketed at young girls.) I have probably made the look sound quite comical but she looked really cheap and tbh it gave me rather a shock.

So... rather than explaining calmly why I wanted her to re do her hair etc, I shouted saying she looked a fright and did she want to look like a rough teenager etc etc. I am a bit ashamed of how I dealt with it tbh, but was so taken aback by how my little girl looked .

Now, I know that I handled it badly, so I am NOT asking AIBU to have got cross, because I know that I was wrong. BUT... was I wrong to make her re do her hairstyle because of concern about how it made her look?

OP posts:

Narked · 25/01/2013 14:54

So, would she have been allowed to wear the earrings and headband at school?

mrsjay · 25/01/2013 14:56

I once blurted out to dd2 (14) Oh fgs you look like her off towie in that foundation what I should have said is I think you need to go a shade lighter,
OP your dd will be ok she is just starting to find her style and sometimes we need to find a happy medium with them, I bet she is fine when she gets in from scool

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 25/01/2013 14:57

lol chandon, i thought you were implying that as i am obviously very common myself, and terrified that my dd is not perceived as such! Perhaps i misinterpreted that- agree that class anxiety can exist at any level, though.

OP posts:

ShadyLadyT · 25/01/2013 14:59

As has been mentioned above - anxiety about class permeates all levels. What evidence were you going to pull out of your filing cabinet to 'prove' (your words) that this is something you could not possibly suffer from? Regardless of that - I look down on someone who uses that revolting, pejorative term 'chav' far more than I would with this hairstyle or that

PoshCat · 25/01/2013 14:59

OP, do you think snobbery can ever be right?

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 25/01/2013 15:01

lol chandon, i thought you were implying that i must be obviously very common myself, and terrified that my dd is not perceived as such! Perhaps i misinterpreted that- agree that class anxiety can exist at any level, though.

cez, thanks for your kind post. you know, i have so many good chats with dd and really do try to boost her self esteem/ body image. i got it wrong today, and am latterly not coming across well on this thread either...

i know, Poshcat, i'm sounding dreadful!

OP posts:

dexter73 · 25/01/2013 15:02

Narked - are you feeling slightly invisible?!

PoshCat · 25/01/2013 15:03

Placing an inflated importance on social standing and looking down on those you consider socially inferior certainly sounds like a negative thing to me.

PoshCat · 25/01/2013 15:04

narked, she's never going to give you an answer.

Narked · 25/01/2013 15:04

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:07

This works for me:

Child appears. Me, "Goodness!"

Them, "What? Don't you like it? What?"

Me, "Oh nothing, it doesn't matter what I think, it's what you think that counts, as long as you're happy to go out thus, great!"

Child (inevitably) disappears and reappears differently. I say nothing.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 25/01/2013 15:09

posh cat, no i dont thnk its very wholesome.

but think most people are snobs about some things

i am actually a reverse snob about:
cars, designer clothes and many other things

OP posts:

BinkyWinky · 25/01/2013 15:11

I am desperate to know whether she'd be allowed to wear them in school now.

PoshCat · 25/01/2013 15:11

And you're snobby about people you consider "rough" because of their attire? Great.

mrsjay · 25/01/2013 15:13

hully gully you are a genuis when im not blurting out about her off towie that is how i Handle things

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 25/01/2013 15:13

narked, sorry, i did address you directly earlier on, i wasnt a deliberately ignoring.... thread is moving fast and i type slowly.

um ..the ear rings am not sure, they would prob say to wear simple studs in future. the hair band would be ok.

OP posts:

PoshCat · 25/01/2013 15:15

And by that we're talking high ponytails, heavy make-up, hooped earrings, matching hairbands on both mother and young daughter?

Sounds like a great many of the lovely mothers and children at my lovely, ethnically diverse and local inner London Primary School.

cory · 25/01/2013 15:16

I think you startled her because she was experimenting quite innocently and you projected all sorts of ideas about sexualisation onto her and somehow expected her to be responsible for those. A better tactic ime is not to assume that this age group knows why a certain look might be shocking to their elders but to explain to them that, rightly or wrongly, that's how it might be perceived. This worked for dd with the leather jacket presented her by a friend of MIL (which made her look about 16 at the age of 11); I said she looked good but that it would be likely to draw down unwanted attention and that she could only wear it when out with me.

In the present instance, I would probably have tried to spare her feelings by invoking school rules rather than going down the whole "tart" road. Would also be unhappy if dd thought that I think some of her friends with more permissive parents look like tarts.

Narked · 25/01/2013 15:19

So they'd have asked her to take off the earrings? A school with a uniform that has a studs only policy wouldn't be too keen on plastic earrings I'd imagine. So you got all stressed about the angle of a ponytail and a headband.

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:20

Yes, agree Cory. When ds wanted to ear sparkly hairslides I explained they were fine and lovely, but other people (stupid people by implication) might laugh so that it was up to him if he wanted to wear them or not now he had that knowledge.

I'd do th esame with any outfit, and still let them if in the end they wanted to. They only wear it once after the reactions they get...

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 25/01/2013 15:20

oh poshcat, i didnt talk about anyone specific.

i am in reality a broad minded, and liberal person with diverse life experience. my professional life brings me into contact with people from all walks of life, for whom i feel equal respect.

i have used emotive terms on this thread that i would not usually use in RL, for illustrative purposes only.

sorry that i'm coming across so badly in this thread, in some people's eyes.

OP posts:

Pictureperfect · 25/01/2013 15:20

Could you tell her she has to have sensible hair/makeup/earrings for school days but can try different looks at the weekend. Does she have any nice earrings or did she just choose the plastic ones over nice ones?

BinkyWinky · 25/01/2013 15:23

And yet you have a hissy (great word) when your daughter puts her hair into a high up ponytail?

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:25

Don't worry about it noonar, some people love an excuse for a pop.

PoshCat · 25/01/2013 15:26

You may not have talked about anyone specific, OP, but now your daughter takes any notice of you she'll think "rough" teenagers wear high ponytails, plastic earrings and hair bands.
That's OK then??

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