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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

RE 11yo DD's hair-do?

155 replies

NoonarAgain · 25/01/2013 12:43

I am feeling dreadful because I got cross with 11 yo DD today and want to ask if IABU.

We were rushing for school and I called out to ask if DD was ready to go, she then emerged wearing some plastic ear rings, a sparkly head band and a massive high pony tail sprouting out of the top of her head. (Now, I like children to dress like children and really hate a lot of the precocious fashions marketed at young girls.) I have probably made the look sound quite comical but she looked really cheap Sad and tbh it gave me rather a shock.

So... rather than explaining calmly why I wanted her to re do her hair etc, I shouted saying she looked a fright and did she want to look like a rough teenager etc etc. I am a bit ashamed of how I dealt with it tbh, but was so taken aback by how my little girl looked Sad.

Now, I know that I handled it badly, so I am NOT asking AIBU to have got cross, because I know that I was wrong. BUT... was I wrong to make her re do her hairstyle because of concern about how it made her look?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:28

And are we now all pretending that people DON'T judge by appearances...????

Really?

On MN?

mrsjay · 25/01/2013 15:28

tbh the OP was probably thinking omg vicky pollard , her DD went to bed a little girl and came out a semi teenager give her a break

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:31

You know what?

I don't want my ds to shave his head, get tattoos and/or piercings/ have his arse hanging out of his trousers.

I don't want dd to do any of the above either. Nor do I want her wearing a belt instead of a skirt, a tight top with her tits hanging out and stilettos with gooseflesh legs.

I wouldn't stop them (apart from tattoos), but I really don't want them to.

So shoot me.

Narked · 25/01/2013 15:31

I think there's a limit to how much a hair band and a bobble can negatively alter the appearance of an 11 year old wearing school uniform.

PoshCat · 25/01/2013 15:31

I think shrieking at an 11 year old little girl for trying a high pony, hair band and (horrifying), hooped plastic earrings and telling them they look like a "rough teenager" is awful.

Narked · 25/01/2013 15:32

And I don't think side ponytails are a gateway to tattoos.

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:33

Signifiers innit?

Don't take much.

BinkyWinky · 25/01/2013 15:33

Is any of that comparable to a fecking headband and ponytail?

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:34

It's like DRUGS narked. Gateway hair.

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:35

No, it's not meant to be comparable.

I'm just saying we all IF WE ARE HONEST judge by appearances and have certain wishes for our dc.

dexter73 · 25/01/2013 15:35

Gateway hair - one day a high pony tail, the next they are pushing the pram to school.

Narked · 25/01/2013 15:36

Before you know it she'll be heating a spoon with a lighter to curl her eyelashes...

BinkyWinky · 25/01/2013 15:38

The eyebrows are next, BTW. I'd put a tenner on it.

Of course we have certain wishes, that doesn't mean we should shriek at our DC when they don't have the same ones!

mrsjay · 25/01/2013 15:38

I'm just saying we all IF WE ARE HONEST judge by appearances and have certain wishes for our dc.

of course we do,

mrsjay · 25/01/2013 15:39

and you know what there is some fecking rough girls round about here with High pontytails who would punch you as soon as look at you,

Pandemoniaa · 25/01/2013 15:39

I'm just saying we all IF WE ARE HONEST judge by appearances and have certain wishes for our dc.

Agree. It's just a bit if a bugger overcoming our prejudices and finding a way to encourage the dc to go along with those wishes.

mrsjay · 25/01/2013 15:39

the OP didn't mean to shriek at her thats the whole point it just blurted out that is why she posted

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:39

No, but she has said eight million times that she regrets the shriek and it came from shock horror

I don't think we need roast her on the spit THIS TIME

thegreylady · 25/01/2013 15:40

I bet by the time she'd gone 100 yards her ponytail would be hurting and she would have adjusted it.I also would guess that this style is a 'look' currently being adopted by the 'cool' set at school and she wants to be included not mocked by her peers.
If you come back here in a week or two saying your dd is being bullied/excluded you will know why.
The earrings were just daft [where did she get them from?] and the headband a bit ott. I would have said ,"I'm not sure that style is really you.Leave it for now and we can experiment with your hair tonight."
When my dd was that age she was in Pony Club and their idea of style was a holey sweater from dad,Doc Martens boots,jodhpurs and a Barbour jacket. It gave my mum the vapours and she started going on about nice little twin sets and kitten heels etc. It is important for girls to fit into their school group and for you to facilitate [and moderate if need be] without making her feel worse than she already does.Pick your battles.

BinkyWinky · 25/01/2013 15:41

Next time I can roast her?

StuntGirl · 25/01/2013 15:41

My sister and niece shave theirs off and draw them on in super thin, dark pencil. I wonder what the OP would make of that look?

Hullygully · 25/01/2013 15:42

Pande, I would go further...people are very tribal, they adopt certain appearance traits to denote membership of that tribe, so that a couple of small details can indeed be very important signifiers.

If one isn't all that keen on the tribe of whom those signifiers commonly signal allegiance, one may well shriek.

dexter73 · 25/01/2013 15:48

This thread has reminded me of when dd was younger and the Atomic Kitten range at BHS was considered the height of fashion! Negotiating which piece of polyester tat I would consider buying was such a highlight!

mrsjay · 25/01/2013 15:54

This thread has reminded me of when dd was younger and the Atomic Kitten range at BHS was considered the height of fashion! Negotiating which piece of polyester tat I would consider buying was such a highlight!

Oh god I remember it wel Grinl dd1 had the combat trousers no belly top though

StuntGirl · 25/01/2013 15:59

"Pande, I would go further...people are very tribal, they adopt certain appearance traits to denote membership of that tribe, so that a couple of small details can indeed be very important signifiers."

You might be interested in checking out photographer Ari Versluis's project "Exactitudes" which discusses and documents exactly this. None of us are the unique little snowflakes we like to think we are Grin

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