to sometimes think that SAHMs are "living the dream" and really envy them

[Fizzler99]

Ok so I don't have kids yet.

I work ridiculously long hours (as in out the house 6.30am-8pm minimum and often work late nights and weekends too). I have a long commute each way (can't afford to live where I work as property so expensive) and the job is very, very high stress. I earn a decent wage, but I am quite junior so I'm not on mega-money despite what my friends and family seem to think

I don't intend to keep this job forever, but I need to establish myself in my choosen career then I can hopefully 'down-grade' to something less stressful.

One of my colleagues has just given up work to become a SAHM. It just sounds like living the dream. No more waiting on cold station platforms for delayed trains at 6.30am, no more hideous commute, no more stressful job and nagging boss and office politics, no more late night working and surviving on takeaway or the contents of the office vending machine for weeks at a time. I am so jealous!

Please give me a much-needed reality check. Please tell me the reality of being a SAHM. For those of you that have gone from having a quite high-flying career to SAHM, please tell me how the two compare. I think I really need a reality check!

I agree that the grass is always greener. SAHM whose been stuck indoors all day with a whinging toddler and a teething baby waiting for the washing machine repair man to call probably thinks wistfully of the days when she got to dress up and put on make up every morning; meet friends for a proper sit down lunch; and have lots of grown up conversations about lots of serious stuff.
Working mum who has had to stand on train all the way into work; got frowned at by boss for being 5 minutes late; spent all afternoon reading boring report and wrestling with temperamental photocopier; and now faces long commute home in the rain imagines wistfully spending days baking cup cakes; taking DCs to the park; popping in to her mum's for coffee; and snuggling up on cold dark afternoons to watch Angelina Ballerina.

The reality is probably somewhere in between.

I am not suggesting parental presence is neutral.
I am simply pointing out that ultimately it is impossible to say whether something is 'better' because every family is unique. The only way I could prove that not working was 'better' for my family is to be able to clone my children, and live a parallel existence where I didn't work, so as to be able to compare outcomes! Likewise with a SAHM- she could only make a true comparison if it was possible to replicate her family and raise them alongside working. In other words, it's impossible!
That's why I have never tried to claim that working is 'better' for my children (but neither could I say it's worse). All I can claim, is that for me, the balance of an interesting career (plus salary and pension!) with parenting is a fulfilling existence.
If there were problems in the family which I suspected might be linked to me working, or dh working, we would of course re think. Just as if a person becomes depressed, bored or frustrated not working, they would re think. But as my children are happy, emotionally in tune and doing well, then no problem.

The OP was probably a journalist. Very low of her to use and abuse MN posters' good nature.

Oddly enough I am a WoHM whose DC is her life too. I just realise that both of us benefit from me working! I get to use my brain, be financially independent, provide a good education for her and also do all the washing, cuddles, night waking a etc when I am home from work.

Ideally I would like more hours in the day so I could spend more time with my DC after work but I doubt anyone has it all.

One thing i do wonder though,is why?why have children to not see them for the majority of the day?

I dont even mean it in a nasty way,i just dont get it?

Because Amber, nobody knows how they are going to feel once they've had children or how circumstances may change.

You can see by reading this thread, how some women finding staying at home with small children nothing short of torture, whereas others love it.

You can also see that some women have very little choice about having to work full-time.

From a historical perspective, the notion of the SAHM is relatively new. For most of history women were not just at home playing with their children, they were helping to feed & clothe the family as well. From gathering roots & seeds & curing furs & skins in hunter gatherer times to planting crops, making clothes, gathering firewood, butchering animals, food preparing (which took a vast amount of time when you had to make all your own bread, jam, render fat etc etc etc). Women in the past largely had children because there was no contraception & they were hoping that if they had enough, their offspring would help look after them in old age. The idea of being at home to spend time with children is something from 1950s onwards.

Amber- to answer your question, I know very very few working parents who literally see their children for less time than they dont see them. And I have to say that of the very few I do know of, the situation is that its the father working ridiculous hours and having frequent work trips abroad. So even though one parent might be home 24/7, the children are not getting to see the other (equally important) parent on a daily basis.

For us, one of the advantages of both working is that neither dh or I have had to work stupid hours to pay the bills. Often it can provide a great balance all round.

"why have children to not see them for the majority of the day?"

Why get married and go out to separate work places? People don't have to spend all day every day together, do they?

Amber, so why did your DH have children?

sorry watching this morning whilst playing with baby!

What janey said been in bother side of the fence ft/pt/sahp all have drawbacks. At moment sahp is what is best for our family and it works for us.

It does not always work me, for occasionally I miss getting dressed and going to work, but Im studying for a degree pt so I do get a lot from that.

Most days I'm very happy and content.

On the domestic front I used to take pride in doing housework and used to think if I had more time I would make, bake etc. it Hasn't worked quite like that for me now that I am the only one responsible mon to fri they daily chores just become a grind.

I'm still recovering from the towel thread tbh

I think its much better for have both parents out some of the time rather than hardly ever seeing their dad or doing anything as a family.

i'm a sahm for the past 10 years. Years ago I was working long hours for a demanding, not-so-nice company in central London and my friend was a sahm with two small children. I was SOOOO envious of her. I think of that feeling often over the past ten years: Oh how I didn't have a clue!! I am happily a sahm as in we have the means and I believe (in my case) that it is the "right" thing to do for my children but there are downsides. My working friends do look down their noses at me, I have totally lost my place in the workplace and if I did want to go back working I would have to retrain or get an unskilled job (partly due to the fact that we moved to a -lovely- rural area in order to afford for me to be a sahm and there wouldn't be any call for my previous qualifications locally) I KNOW that I am privilaged - I am in awe of how working mothers manage - in my opinion they are doing two full time jobs. My sahm friends mostly agree and feel somewhat envious of those that manage it so gracefully. What I find working mums say often to me is: OH I could NEVER stay at home all day - too boring. Which I find immeasureably rude and insulting to both me and their children. I suppose bottom line OP is: the grass is always greener - as I tell myself often when I dream of solo loo trips and coffee breaks and going into shops alone (and other such luxuries!)

I know I shouldn't click on SAHM v WOHM threads. I know the posters who say 'the grass is always greener' are totally right. I know that we are all different and what works for one, won't work for another etc etc.

But I am having a miserable fucking day and had to say that, for me, being a SAHM, is not living the fucking dream. And I'd say that on a good day, too.

Ambersocks I assume you home school then?

hazlenutt-my dh works from home as much as possible,he works so that in a couple of years he wont need to work and we can all be together!

okthen-yes the kids are home educated,only one of them officially as the others aret school age yet.

notgoodnotbad-i dont see it as the same(although actually i would love to spend all day with my dh)i didt give birth to my dh or decide to bring him into this world.

Thanks for answering,still dont understand the point though.

Ambersocks, I suppose you are not going to send your children to school then, a you won't see them for most of the day??

Ambersocks, Oh sorry I just read that you don't send your children to school.

postbellumbugsy-

I totally agree!it is not natural to be all alone with babies all day entertaining them,i wish it could be like it used tobe when we were hunter gatherers,but we dont live in commuities like that anymore,where we would have female family members and older children helping out while we all got on with important things.

I guess you have to make your own modern equivalent,and kind o make your own village,esp when you have no family near.

laf you really shouldn't be offended when people say they would find it too boring. People are different. You might very well find my work boring, but I wouldn't take that personally. I like it so that's all that counts no?

And nor should you feel offended for the DC. Their parents aren't saying they don't care or don't love them, just that they want to do other things too.

In much the same way as all the SAHMs on this thread who are not enjoying it still love their DC dearly. It's just the 24/7-ness of it that is driving them to distraction.

Amber that's very lucky for you, but reality is that most people will have to work most of their lives and would not have the option to retire when their DC is small. I would guess that most children have at least one parent working outside the home - so you are wondering why most families had children in the first place?

Blimey amber that sounds intense!
All of you togehter, all the time...

What will you do when your DC no longer want to be with you all the time?

Amber, I have to work full-time. There is just me, ex-H bailed out 10 years ago.

I see my children every day in the morning & the evenings and I spend weekends & all of my holiday from work with them. We have a close, loving & happy relationship even though one of them is a teen now! I love them more than anyone else & I wouldn't be without them.

They are my family and very precious to me. Surely the fact that we are happy & functional is point enough! Why should a parent have to spend all day with their children for there to be a point to having them?

Word factory-dont know really,depends on the circumstances?spend time doing more of what i love and seeing people i love?(dh,family,friends)go on holiday,make stuff,sleep!
If i didnt have anymore then by the time dc4 is 18 i will be 44,i think that young enough to retrain to do something if i wanted to,my mum did the same to be a social worker and my mil to be a teacher,however i do want more,so most likely just enjoy life!

Amber- that's lovely that it all works for you, home schooling your children, your dh working at home and indeed retiring in 2 years so you can all be together all of the time.

The only negative coming across in your posts though is that you don't seem to be very open minded: you admit that you genuinely do not understand why men and women have children if they are going to continue working. That shows a quite staggering inability to imagine that other people live their lives a different way. I hope your children are being home schooled in a way which opens their minds a bit more. Especially as they might decide as adults that they want to have careers