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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to sometimes think that SAHMs are "living the dream" and really envy them

461 replies

Fizzler99 · 24/01/2013 10:54

Ok so I don't have kids yet.

I work ridiculously long hours (as in out the house 6.30am-8pm minimum and often work late nights and weekends too). I have a long commute each way (can't afford to live where I work as property so expensive) and the job is very, very high stress. I earn a decent wage, but I am quite junior so I'm not on mega-money despite what my friends and family seem to think

I don't intend to keep this job forever, but I need to establish myself in my choosen career then I can hopefully 'down-grade' to something less stressful.

One of my colleagues has just given up work to become a SAHM. It just sounds like living the dream. No more waiting on cold station platforms for delayed trains at 6.30am, no more hideous commute, no more stressful job and nagging boss and office politics, no more late night working and surviving on takeaway or the contents of the office vending machine for weeks at a time. I am so jealous! Envy

Please give me a much-needed reality check. Please tell me the reality of being a SAHM. For those of you that have gone from having a quite high-flying career to SAHM, please tell me how the two compare. I think I really need a reality check!

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 25/01/2013 09:31

"you have to really really wane to do it, because it's not going to make your children 'better' in any way."

Confused

That's a pretty bold claim to make.

And one that you can't possibly substantiate.

Just because studies don't show higher levels of attainment for the children of SAHPs in general doesn't mean individual families and the children within them won't benefit massively from having a parent at home.

People who decide to stay at home with their children might have very good reason to believe it will be better for them in terms of outcome.

MidnightMasquerader · 25/01/2013 09:31

It seems to me that women who enjoy being SAHMs are much more go with the flow, un-rigid types who're happy to let their children take the lead as much as do it themselves. Women who don't need to stick to or follow a routine, but let one day follow the previous...

Actually, I don't necessarily think that, but I do recognise it way more than Bonsoir's description of women who enjoy stay-at-home-motherhood. Way more...

wordfactory · 25/01/2013 09:33

bonsoir yes indeed.

The problem seems to be that if one were bored with ones job one would would change it, but it aint always that simple after so long at home.

meadow2 · 25/01/2013 09:35

Also the idea that if you have a sahm you children are more chilled is ridiculous.We have many children who are referred to childcare as they are 'out of control'.Its then our job to sort it out.

All depends on the family.

Bonsoir · 25/01/2013 09:39

wordfactory - I know a lot of people in their 40s who are really bored with their jobs (their whole career field, in fact) but are unable to change. I don't think it's a SAHM exclusive at all!

SPBInDisguise · 25/01/2013 09:50

"BonsoirFri 25-Jan-13 08:28:47

It seems to me that women who enjoy being SAHMs are the very self-disciplined ones, who know how to organise themselves and know how to manage their children's upbringing in order to instil the behaviours and values they wish them to acquire.

Women who don't enjoy being SAHMs seem to be the ones for whom the job of parenting is less clear cut. And therefore the externally imposed structure of work outside the home is more enjoyable."

As a WOHM I'm quite offended, but in my case do actually agree :o When I am at home, we struggle to get anywhere, kids still in pyjamas watching TV at 10am. the necessity of work gets me up and organised :o

prudence, when the kids are sick in the night, usually one WOH parent has to take the next day off as few childcarers will take sick children. In my case I tend to do as much work as I can from home in between vomit bowl cleaning and duvet washing. Or if you do get to go into work, the sick child is just something else to stress about IMO - work is not a break!

maisiejoe123 · 25/01/2013 09:50

I havent read all of the replies. However as a working mum the list of things that the SAHM's state they need to do are also some of the things that a WM does. I have often gone to work with 2 hours sleep due to a wakeful child. I have been dressed and one of the children have smeared porridge over me.

When I was on maternity leave I found that if I had a bad nights sleep during nap time I could grab a hour or so - something I could never do when working....

jellybeans · 25/01/2013 10:12

'"you have to really really wane to do it, because it's not going to make your children 'better' in any way."'

It can only be good for parents to spend more time with their children though can't it?

Bonsoir · 25/01/2013 10:15

To suggest that parental presence is neutral in the parenting process is a form of denial.

However, parental presence is not enough on its own. Parents have to do all sorts of things (which do not necessarily imply engagement with DCs) in order to maximise the beneficial effects of their presence. Parental role-modelling is one of the most important facets of parenting. Role-modelling by other adults doesn't have the same effect.

ceeveebee · 25/01/2013 10:19

And I personally prefer my DD to have a successful career woman as a role model

Scheherezade · 25/01/2013 10:19

After all I just said its just hit me, I'm sat eating cake, drinking tea and watching pongwiffy with DS. When he goes for a nap I'll watch some desperate housewives. When he wakes we're making gingerbread, then going round to a friends. It's not all bad Grin

Scheherezade · 25/01/2013 10:22

My mum was a career woman, we don't get on. DPs mum was a SAHM, he and his sister are doing vvv well, are besotted with their mum, they all have a great, close, loving relationship. She's now a TA for SEN. She's my role model, not the woman who begrudged my existence.

AmberSocks · 25/01/2013 10:23

I am a sahm and for me,i am living the dream(nearly)

but its not like that for everyone and it depends on lots of things

I had my first child relatively young (21)and i was a nay before that so it didt take as much getting used to as someone who has spent years makig a career and only having to think of yourself.

We dont have family withi 3 hours but my dh does his fair share-and more-of the cooking cleaning and childcare,we have friends who dont have kids yet who seem to enjoy being around all of us and we dont have financial worries.

It all depends on your situation.I love being around my kids and would never change it.

Scheherezade · 25/01/2013 10:25

I guess a lot of it is personality. Some people are maternal, some aren't. My mother wouldn't have a clue how or when to hug, cuddle, support. DPs mum was almost born to be a mum- her words. Her children are her life.

That's how I feel.

Bonsoir · 25/01/2013 10:25

ceeveebee - does she like sitting by your desk all day? Wink

AmberSocks · 25/01/2013 10:30

here is an example of one of my days(we home educate so its ot like this for everyone)

sometime between 7.30 and 8.30 the kids -5,4 and 3-come and jump into bed with me and baby-3 months.We lie there for half an hour or so and dh brings me a cup of tea to wake up with.

we get up and have breakfast.dh goes to work about 9.30

get dressed and ready

go out-beach,nature walk,library,park,farm(all within walking distance,i cant drive yet but when i can we will go further afield)

have lunch either in a cafe if theres one where we are or i take a picnic/packed lunch

come home.3 and 4 yr old watch tv for a bit while 5 yr old plays on mario.i do some chores now.

we do painting/baking/playdough/reading

they play out in the garden or play in the playroom while i cook dinner

eat dinner

dh comes home,we turn all the lights off i the front room so it really dark and then put some music on the record player and have a "disco" (this has become a daily ritual now!)

chuck all of them in the bath

lie in bed and read stories and eventually go to sleep!

meadow2 · 25/01/2013 10:31

I am a working mum but one always with my children,but most working mums I know are very maternal and live for their kids.Its what most people live for really whether at work or at home,mum or dad.

ceeveebee · 25/01/2013 10:38

On the 3 days I work she and her brother have a wonderful nanny and go to lots of activities. So thats 4 days I care for them which is the right balance for me. I don't want her or her brother to grow up thinking a woman's place is in the home doing drudge work. I didn't do a masters and two professional qualifications to spend my time changing nappies and folding sheets.

trixymalixy · 25/01/2013 10:41

I was a SAHM for a little bit after I was made redundant. The plan was for me to stay at home until the kids went to school. I didn't last long, I was climbing the walls. I went back to work full time and found that hard to cope with too, I was knackered. Now I work part time and that's what works best for me.

I'm jealous of people who enjoy being a SAHM, but it wasn't for me. What Bonsoir has said about not being disciplined and needing structure outside the home applies to me, unfortunately.

You can have no concept of how tiring and relentless being a parent is until you have kids. Being at work does seem like a rest sometimes.

WinkyWinkola · 25/01/2013 10:43

"I didn't do a masters and two professional qualifications to spend my time changing nappies and folding sheets."

This kind of work is the drudge reality for nearly everyone, whether you work or not.

Gosh, it sounds all very snooty.

I too have an MSc and a professional qualification but I wouldn't regard myself as far too good to do some graft like nappies and sheet folding. I can and am qualified do other work in the paid sector but right now with a baby, I'm at home.

Scheherezade · 25/01/2013 10:46

So you're accusing those of us who are happy and fulfilled SAHM as doing "drudge work" and apparently intelligent people with qualifications wouldn't do it as "changing nappies and folding sheets" is some kind of thing to be ashamed of, some indictment of a lower intellect?

What a shame you don't want pleasantries, good manners, open mindedness, kindness, consideration, feminism etc on the list of attributes to aspire to in a role model.

What a lovely person you sound, I hope they learn to be good people from the nanny.

valiumredhead · 25/01/2013 10:47

Even when I worked I still had to fold sheets and clean etc.

ceeveebee · 25/01/2013 10:48

I'm not too good to do it. I just prefer not to - there are people who are better at it, and am better at other things. By working part time I can afford to outsource these things as well as pursuing the career I worked so hard to achieve

WinkyWinkola · 25/01/2013 10:48

Shehera, I was quoting another poster further down the thread. Just to clarify!

Fwiw though, I do think housework is drudgery. Dull and uninspiring and not requiring much intelligence. That doesn't mean it's done by unintelligent people. Nobody is too good to get their hands dirty and do some proper graft mind, whether it's in the house, in an office or in a surgery or somewhere.

meadow2 · 25/01/2013 10:49

Ceeveebee sounds like she has a great balance.A job that fulfils her,her own wage and somethingfor her children to aspire to.As well as lots of time with her children and at home.

I dont see anything wrong with that, and I agree with what shes said.