to sometimes think that SAHMs are "living the dream" and really envy them

[Fizzler99]

Ok so I don't have kids yet.

I work ridiculously long hours (as in out the house 6.30am-8pm minimum and often work late nights and weekends too). I have a long commute each way (can't afford to live where I work as property so expensive) and the job is very, very high stress. I earn a decent wage, but I am quite junior so I'm not on mega-money despite what my friends and family seem to think

I don't intend to keep this job forever, but I need to establish myself in my choosen career then I can hopefully 'down-grade' to something less stressful.

One of my colleagues has just given up work to become a SAHM. It just sounds like living the dream. No more waiting on cold station platforms for delayed trains at 6.30am, no more hideous commute, no more stressful job and nagging boss and office politics, no more late night working and surviving on takeaway or the contents of the office vending machine for weeks at a time. I am so jealous!

Please give me a much-needed reality check. Please tell me the reality of being a SAHM. For those of you that have gone from having a quite high-flying career to SAHM, please tell me how the two compare. I think I really need a reality check!

YABU. A lot of women are in that position because the wages they could earn working would only just cover childcare and working expenses. Then what would be the point? To be envious of the rich, working or not, is a universal condition but really has nothing to do with the SAHM/WOHM equation.

Look at it this way...

Motherhood is the only occupation which comes with its very own brand of depression - post-natal depression.

I have found motherhood of be the hardest, most relentless, thankless, sloggish thing I have ever done in my life. And I've never even had PND!!

I've been a SAHM and WOHM and I have to say both are equally tough. Motherhood is tough, no matter what, to be honest. Being a parent is Hard Work.

Marks place, will post on my commute into work

What are all these jobs that have an uninterrupted lunch hour?

OP, I was in a very stressful job working long hours and lots of on-call hours - I had a few breakdowns! When DC2 was born, I took unpaid leave to look after DS (then 2yo) and newborn DD1. It was bliss for a year, then got more and more tedious. I hate housework, I couldn't visit anywhere as DS took constant tantrums, and doing the shopping was like being in the military. But it was always better than work!
I went back to work on a part-time basis after 2 years (a lot of the services we once provided had gone, so work was less stressful) - and it was the best thing ever. I now have 3 DC, youngest is 6yo. I work 3 days per week, have 2 days to visit friends and have coffee catch up with the housework , and I earn my own money.

Sounds Like the op doesnt like her job much. I enjoy my work life, and
I'm encouraging my daughter and son to aim for interesting work too, because the reality is that the vast majority of adults will need to work, so far better to find it fulfilling as well as paying the bills

If someone doesn't like their work much, then frankly it's stating the obvious to say they will prefer not working. That's not to say being a SAHM is easy - ok it doesn't bring the same pressures as work but it can be isolating, lead to depression as some women on here have testified, a lot of can feel monotonous and ultimately you have to really really wane to do it, because it's not going to make your children 'better' in any way. Just to make it clear, neither am I suggesting having working parents makes children 'better'. It's a personal decision for each family (if there is a choice available) but you have to go into it knowing that the reward is in itself, not in better outcomes.

Anyway, this is all a bit of a nonsense because the op is trying to compare life without children and life with them which are totally different things. Once you have children your life changes in all sorts of ways you can't begin to imagine. And if you are a WOHP then it's not like you aren't doing most of the stuff a SAHP does- IME of working 3 days a week until my children started school, my days off were far easier than the days when I was doing the nursery drop off before 8 am. Having said that, I might not have enjoyed my days off nearly as much if I had been a full time SAHM because for many people it's the balance of a home/work life which makes life fulfilling.

Actually looking over the thread, seems like the op just wanted to stir things up and then run !

Redwallday, I'm sorry but I don't know why it takes you until 10 am to get out of the house; if you were working you'd be out in full make up by 7.45 with the kids clean and dressed and breakfasted, too.

Good lord redwall!

I had 2 under 4, and they were and still are a handful but you need some discipline! I cannot believe that you actually waited for your child's TV program to finish before you left the house
You pick up one child, carry them (screaming if they must) to the car and strap them in. Repeat. Get in and drive to wherever you need to be.

I've done pretty much every scenario. I worked the ki.d of hours OP worked pre DCs, then had DS1 and went back to work full time when he was 6mo, had DS2 a year later and decided to try being a SAHM. It drove me demented. I adore my children, but just am not cut out to look after them 24/7.

I now work 3 days a week in a professional job, so am aware and very grateful that I am lucky enough to still earn a decent wage. For me, personally, I feel I've now hit the right balance. I get a break from the endless grind of poo, wee, sick and tantrums for three days which means I'm refreshed and ready to enjoy my children on my two days alone with them (DH works FT).

SAHMs are only "living the dream" if they actually want to be SAHMs.

op, the grass is always greener

It seems to me that women who enjoy being SAHMs are the very self-disciplined ones, who know how to organise themselves and know how to manage their children's upbringing in order to instil the behaviours and values they wish them to acquire.

Women who don't enjoy being SAHMs seem to be the ones for whom the job of parenting is less clear cut. And therefore the externally imposed structure of work outside the home is more enjoyable.

OP hasn't been back, has she? Don't think she's really interested, just wanted to start a fight!

Bonsoir there is also the choice aspect.

Women who can SAH through choice, generally have higher earning partners or very low outgoings or a combination of the above, which makes life in general much easier. When you then add in the reduced juggling of having one parent at home and able to deal with all the domestic and child-related stuff during 'office hours', there is much less stress all round and weekends really are free time to spend on enjoyable things rather than catching up with a week of chores.
Women who are forced to SAH because they as a family cannot afford the combination of tax credit loss/childcare bill/extra travel and commute costs and so on, naturally feel unhappy in their situation because they feel they have no control over it.

Up to a point... I don't really agree with the notion of people not having a choice about being a SAHM. We all have a choice whether or not to have children (and, mostly, how many we have - I know that twins and triplets sometimes happen!).

Actually, Redwall's post could have been mine 9 years ago! It's easy for AliBaba to tell you to carry child out screaming - there's only so many screams you can listen to in a day and stay sane! I'm so pleased I'm over that hurdle.

Redwall, my children who were once like those yours now help me with shopping, packing, and allow me to have a coffee while they bring it out to the car and order the goodies that have been promised to them! That will be you in a few years I promise!

But some women genuinely don't have a choice Bonsoir.

I can't believe I am the only woman in the UK who's husband left her with small children. For me claiming benefits long-term was not an option, so I have to work full-time to keep the roof above our heads. As I said above, unless I win the lottery, I will not be able to work part-time or be a SAHM while I am still supporting the DCs. Not really sure I have a choice.

PostBellumBugsy - you are saying you don't have a choice about whether or not to be a WOHM. Fine - but that is a different point to mine!

The SAHMs who I know and are fed up with it are all well off.

And they all pretty well enjoyed it in the early years. For most of them it seems to be the case that it's just gone on too long! Too much of a good thing and all that. But now they feel a bit trapped.

A friend (who has been at home for 14 years) said to me on Wednesday that she feels like the only person in her home not carving out something for them.

The women we know who still very content years down the line fill their days very well. Gym. Lunch. Shopping. Cooking. Keeping an exquisite home. Bit of volunteering. It suits some very well indeed.

Bonsoir - I think your point was about having children in the first place? I agree we do all have a choice about that, but sometimes live throws the curveballs after you've had the children. So your DH/DP dies, becomes terminally ill, leaves etc. Or you have a child with special needs / disabilities so you have to care for them. All of these things remove or seriously restrict choice.

Like any job, SAHMothering can go on too long and get repetitive.

BeanJuice the huge difference is that if you are a SAHM and you are up all night with sick kids you dont get a break from it AT ALL. The next day you are STILL dealing with all the fallout. At least at work you get a break from all the vomit/ poo/ snot/ mess/ crying and someone else is cleaning up everything.

I think it's complete nonsense to suggest that people who work 'need'
the externally imposed structure of work because the job (?) of parenting is 'less clear cut'. It's perfectly possible to be the kind of person who can impose their own self discipline and enjoy parenting 100% - but also enjoy having a fulfilling work life too. It's not an either/ or scenario for many of us. We don't work because we lack something in the parenting role, or aren't able to create our own structures- its Because working can create another dimension to life and provide additional (not alternative) experiences. Of course, all this is more likely if you have an iteresting career rather than a mundane job- which is why I will always encourage my dd and ds to aim for something which will be fulfilling as well
As paying the bills

I used to say this all the time on here as I didnt have any maternity leave with dc1.

When I was pregnant I was always moaning about it but I had 7 months off and it was easy and I enjoyed it,but forever it wouldnt seem like you had much going on or any kind of adult purpose.

I will never moan about having to work again because being at home you miss your life,your friends etc.

Word - that kind of person will be fed up whatever though, if they are prone to the martyr role and don't just get on with doing something that is just for them. They are the ones in the office moaning about everyone else and doing the bare minimum.

"At least at work you get a break from all the vomit/ poo/ snot/ mess/ crying and someone else is cleaning up everything."

Who is this mythical person that is at home doing all this while you're at work? You can't send a vomitty child to nursery or childminders!