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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be envious of people who are happily married

45 replies

Dryjuice25 · 24/01/2013 00:15

Because I'm a single mum of three and this will never ever happen to me. My role now is just to be a good mum and I can't say I ever want to get into another relationship. I did want to get married but it never happened.

OP posts:

LeftMeInSuspenders · 24/01/2013 00:18

Why will it never happen to you?
I think it's great that you want to devote your efforts to being the best mum you can, but you never know what's around the corner and you could be destined to meet an amazing person who you could end up being happily married to.

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2013 00:21

You can't say it will never happen.

I was a divorced Mum of 2, quite happy with my life and uninterested in anything much other than my kids.

Then a freaky turn of events (my Dsis dropped dead out of the blue) meant I was suddenly in contact with my childhood sweetheart (an old friend of my brother's)

We hit it off again, we fell in love, married and had a baby.

That was 12yrs ago and we've never looked back.

You have many roles yet to come and who's to say one of them won't be as one half of a relationship?

GwennieF · 24/01/2013 00:23

I don't think it's unreasonable to be envious of other people, I think most people envy others for some reason or another. What is important is that you don't allow yourself to become bitter.

Saying that, I don't think not having had a good relationship in the past necessarily means you won't have one in the future.... You never know who you'll meet!

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 24/01/2013 00:25

I do have a thing where I can't totally relax if I left my kids with someone who is not their Dgp or their real dad. My problem I know.

I don't think I will ever find that person. These people are difficult and even more sowhen you have kids as the standard just gets higher and higher on my side

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 24/01/2013 00:25

Just when you really stop worrying about it.....that's when you turn a corner...

Never say never..

Angelfootprints · 24/01/2013 00:31

OP a good marriage is obviously something you want, so why not get out there out look for it?

Why join a respectable dating website or similar? You never know what could happen

SirBoobAlot · 24/01/2013 00:31

I can understand how you feel, as another single mum. But really - you can't rule out that ever happening. You just don't know! :)

manchesterstation · 24/01/2013 00:32

How long have you been single for?

I was a single mum for 8 years so I do know that feeling. I never expected to meet anyone either and just thought I'd stay a single parent, at least until my DD became an adult. Kept myself busy and had lots of friends and interests.

I met DH when DS was 8, though we dated for years before we got married. I think it's wise not to rush into a new relationship. There is an expectation of it, that women won't be able to cope independently raising dc alone. I never saw a relationship in that way, I just wanted to meet someone who clicked with me and my dc.

Keep your standards high. You might meet someone, you might not. But you can still enjoy life with or without a relationship, and you don't need one to feel complete.

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 24/01/2013 00:34

Worral- sorry about your Dsis. Glad you are happy now with your new dh.

My mum happily abandoned 2 kids to marry my dad and that has haunted me since I had mine and I can never understand how she did that.I guess thats why I am overprotective towards kids and I'm so determined to never let a men compete come between me and my role as mum. It would have to be someone very special I guess

OP posts:

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 24/01/2013 00:41

Manchesterstation- I agree word for word.
Sirboob- The thing is at 34 I'm no spring chicken. I wanted my kids to have a stable family environment to grow up in like I did but EX was and still is a twat.

From other posters who found the right person when they stopped looking' I suppose you never know what is around the corner

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2013 00:46

I understand what you're saying and I don't think there's a decent remarried parent in the land who wasn't worried about how the new relationship might affect their kids.

But my DH (who had no kids of his own) took to mine like a duck to water...he earned my respect and most importantly my trust when it came to the kids.

I was quite amazed really since I hadn't spoken to him since we were teenagers, but he was a natural

He never came between me and my role as a Mum...he actually complimented it and as a result I think I probably became a better Mother??

Well certainly a more relaxed one any way.

I may/may not happen for you but as long as you never say never, I'm sure one day it will.

In the meantime just enjoy your lovely family.

Mosman · 24/01/2013 00:47

Dryjuice - is that your mums version of events ?

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2013 00:48

It may/many not happen for you...not 'I'

I wasn't suggesting we embark upon a lesbian relationship

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2013 00:48

'many'??? Oh I fucking give up...

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 24/01/2013 00:57

Mosman- Suconsciously I suppose.
When my mum got married she stayed with my nun for a bit, who made it clear her dsc from a previous marriage were not welcome. My nuns word was law and she wasn't nice to those kids they begged to live with my uncle who raised then up etc. My heart breaks for my Dss and Dsb. I would have chosen the kids for sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 24/01/2013 00:59

Worral LOL @ lesbian relationship

OP posts:

deleted203 · 24/01/2013 04:22

She lived with nuns? . How unchristian of them! But it seems to me that what you are saying is that you don't want another bloke because it would mean giving up your children, like your mum did. This doesn't follow. I met my DH when I was 33 and had 3 kids under 6. And he happily took them on. 12 years down the line we have another 2 and he treats all 5 as his own. He's fabulous and I love him to bits! (Even though I wasn't looking for another relationship and was fairly content as a single mum). And yes...my ex is a twat too! It doesn't have to put you off for life.

Morloth · 24/01/2013 08:08

Even if you can't let anyone else be around your kids. They won't be kids forever.

Live your life, if someone comes into who makes it better, then great, who knows.

thegreylady · 24/01/2013 08:14

I married dh when I was 44 I had two dc and he had three. His exw had gone and left them with him. We have been happily married for nearly 25 years now. We put 5 youngsters together with us and made a very happy and ultimately successful family. At 34 you are younger than our youngest :-) Of course you can still find love and happiness.

nightswimmer · 24/01/2013 08:21

Another one here saying don't think it will never happen. I was a single parent for 14 years.....no man in that time AT ALL. I thought love just wasn't going to ever happen for me, it was for other people not me.
I have now met the love of my love and we fit together so well in every possible way..........you never know. (I am 49 and he is 57-hadly spring chickens!)

CloudsAndTrees · 24/01/2013 08:29

Yet another saying you still have time for it to happen. I was single Mum to two and am now happily married, and I never left my dc with anyone other than GPs and their Dad either. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but I was making an effort to do things for myself that I enjoyed while my dc were having weekends with their Dad. I met my DH through doing voluntary work.

It's also worth remembering that the right person will not come between you and your role as a Mum, they will support you in that role and add something to the dcs lives.

fluffyraggies · 24/01/2013 08:30

Worra - But my DH (who had no kids of his own) took to mine like a duck to water...he earned my respect and most importantly my trust when it came to the kids.

Same here.

OP, i met my DH at 36. And i wasn't 'looking'. You really do never know what is round the corner. All Things Change (whether you want them too or not) especially when you have kids. You plod along not realising how many big stages you're passing through on the way, and different times, people places and routines all trigger events you can't predict.

Why not join a (good) dating site? You can make a rule that no-one is going to meet your kids till you've known them for a year, 2 years, what ever. That's your choice. You can still have fun :)

Dawndonna · 24/01/2013 08:38

I was married. I got divorced and was a single Mum for six years. Not looking for anyone. Had a nice routine with work and ds. At 34 I met (younger) DH. Been married 20 years.

VariousBartimaeus · 24/01/2013 08:54

My aunt and uncle had 3 kids and a miserable marriage.
Eventually divorced when the kids were late 20s.

Both went on to remarry and were extremely happy.

Original poster

Dryjuice25 · 24/01/2013 11:25

So much heartwarming stories of unexpected happy endings, made me almost emotional.
Sowornout- I meant my nana, sorry. She mellowed in old age but not sure she realises how her influence impacted on those dcs.I also blame my mum though, but she did a good job with me and my brothers.
Nightswimmer- that is mightly inspiring, wow. No wonder you swim at night!!

I suppose I have to keep positive and think in terms of how these dcs will not stay kids forever.

Did you ladies have to be successful at all career wise? I think it takes a saint to financially support kids that are not theirs. I'm not sure where I am going career wise and I'm thinking I'm already failing myself. It's so hard to know what to do re jobs with progression prospects that are also child friendly.

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