Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To Think Hospital Was Too Quick To Send Her (Abortion)

62 replies

LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 20:39

It's a bit of a long winded one, but i want to get the facts all out, as it's rather upset me.

A family friend, was silly, and had an one night stand. She admitted it to her partner, and they agreed to try and get through it, before the cheating they was very rocky within there relationship. Then split up. A few days later she found out she was pregnant. She told her ex straight away, and he said if it was his he was happy to give things another go, but didn't want nothing to do if it wasn't. So she decided to see what to do based on dates. The dates came back that it was most likely the other dudes (She wasn't 100% much to my disliking). Her family went mad, as they like her ex very much, names where called and they told her go for an abortion (even her mother). And they said her ex was to go with her. She was in absolute pieces, weeping down the phone, but went to the hospital with him watching over, where she received the first tablet, and took the second home for the following day to take.

AIBU to think the hospital should of noticed her distress, and should of talked to her alone about the decision, she's barely 18? Plus she hasn't been offered anyone to talk to afterwards, or any form of counselling if she would need it.

I don't know how these things work. But it was clear to my whole family she didn't want to do it. But her family put pressure on her, by saying she'll have 2 kids by 2 different Dads. My sister looked after her daughter all day whilst she sorted it out, and we all helped, it was hard to look at her laughing and playing with my nephew when all i could think was that she was killing her brother/sister.

Sorry for long post. I found it quite distressing, i'm 32+3 myself and was saddened immensely. Maybe its hormones?

OP posts:

MN044 · 23/01/2013 20:41

It's really none of your business.

cansu · 23/01/2013 20:44

Are you sure they didn't see her alone? I agree that they should have and I also agree that an abortion is something you should be sure of. I considered one once and changed my mind. Even though partner wanted me to have an abortion, he did not come into consultation with me. I hope she is ok with her decision. I am very pro choice but I can honestly say it was very distressing to be in that situation and I was very very torn.

sparklyjumper · 23/01/2013 20:45

Her family shouldn't have pushed her into anything. Many women go into an abortion distressed and unsure if they are doing the right thing but the hospital/clinic wouldn't really be able to use their judgement to take each one to the side to question whether or not the woman is sure. It's assumed that once she's got as far as that she knows what she wants to do.

I don't think that this will end well due to your second but last paragraph about 'killing her brother or sister'.

WipsGlitter · 23/01/2013 20:46

It's none of your business.

nefertarii · 23/01/2013 20:46

MN044 is right.

However you don't know how she presented herself at the doctors she may not have been distressed at that time. But ffel she must tell you that as you are pg.

Also its not to them to refuse it. She wasn't forced in to it.

You say she is a friend but 'killing' your nephews sister or brother?

That line in particular makes it come across as this is more about your feelings on abortion rather than her distress. again, maybe she has played up her feelings as she knows you disagree.

Original poster

LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 20:46

She's a very close family friend, my sister is godmother to her, and we took her in when her parents kicked her out. She gets my Mum Mother's day gifts and everything, we're all concerned for her thoughts and way of thinking. The question was AIBU to think hospitals should offer more of a effort to talk instead of rushing it all, not whether you think its my business.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 23/01/2013 20:48

She could probably get some counselling if she wanted. Maybe try Marie stopes?

nefertarii · 23/01/2013 20:48

The doctor should have to see her on her own. That would be assuming that any person attending an appointment is doing so for ulterior motives not for support.

If I went through this, I would need dh every step of the way. I would not be happy at being told they would only accept my decision if they spoke to me alone.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 23/01/2013 20:48

Two doctors have to agree for you to have a termination, you can't just go and do it.
You could direct her to BPAS who offer counselling. Whatever her circumstances she'll need your support, not your opinions on whether she made the wrong decision or not.

nefertarii · 23/01/2013 20:50

should not have to see her on her own.

OP unless you were in the room you have no idea what happened.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 23/01/2013 20:50

Killing her brother or sister

Would you rather the hospital forced her to stay pregnant for longer?

It doesn't matter that she is 'barely 18', she is 18 and can make her own choices.

This sounds like its about you and the way you perceived the situation rather than her.

sparklyjumper · 23/01/2013 20:50

Abortion clinics may treat 100s of women every day/week. Lots of those women are going to be emotional and crying. It is treated as a medical procedure.

Original poster

LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 20:51

She wasn't seen on her own. She wasn't given any leaflets about places she can talk to, she's spent all day here talking to us. None of us have ever been through anything like it, wouldn't even know where to look, so any suggestions of helplines would be great. I want to do more than just hug her.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 23/01/2013 20:51

You really don't know what happened at the hospital. YABU.

On the counseling issue, direct her to the appropriate place. You can do that without any doctor's orders. Let her know what is available to her.

suburbophobe · 23/01/2013 20:52

I agree, it's none of you and your family's business.

Will you be the ones bringing up those children then?

She's barely 18? And already 2 kids?

How about some contraception advice... I would say that is the nr. 1 priority.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/01/2013 20:52

Mind your own business. It has nothing to do with you.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 23/01/2013 20:53

She would have been seen on her own for at least a few minutes.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/01/2013 20:54

Also counselling is a legal requirement so she will have had sme.

gordyslovesheep · 23/01/2013 20:55

wow - look we don't know what happened - you version seems slightly hysterical - also good friends don't post their mate personal dilemmas on the WWW for strangers to pick over

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/01/2013 20:55

She's "barely 18" and already got one child.
Her DP wants nothing to do with the baby if it's not his (though how can he be 100% sure without DNA. Dates will give you a % chance)

She had a one night stand (contraceptive fail or CBA using)

If it was my daughter I'd have driven her there myself. And to the Family Planning Clinic on the way home.

mynewpassion · 23/01/2013 20:55

She is in mourning. She might not have liked her decision but maybe it was for the best.

You should be telling her to get herself on some form of contraception so that she don't get into a similar situation. Stop deriding the doctors and get her to stop making the same mistakes.

McNewPants2013 · 23/01/2013 20:56

having an abortion is not killing the brother/sister

Original poster

LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 20:56

All she told us is that, her ex was in the room with her as things where being talked about, and that she has to go to Doctors next week. She was adamant about not being seen alone. Like i said, i don't know anyone else who's been through it, i don't know procedure, just going on what she's told me. And am just after websites or numbers that can talk to her about it.

OP posts:

specialsubject · 23/01/2013 20:59

if you are against abortion, fine. Don't have one. If you are seriously against abortion, you need to be fostering or adopting unwanted babies.

early abortion is preventing a few cells developing into a baby. From your line of reasoning, contraception is also 'baby-killing'. The latter is why this planet may end up standing room only.

nkf · 23/01/2013 21:03

Being pregnant yourself is bound to affect your responses. I thought it was standard to offer counselling post abortion but I admit I don't know. I think you will have a better time looking for that sort of information rather than comments from MN. Though - and I mean this as kindly as I can - despite being very fond of her, you might not be the best person to help her deal with this. Not right now. Best wishes.

Flip

1 2 3