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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think Hospital Was Too Quick To Send Her (Abortion)

62 replies

LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 20:39

It's a bit of a long winded one, but i want to get the facts all out, as it's rather upset me.

A family friend, was silly, and had an one night stand. She admitted it to her partner, and they agreed to try and get through it, before the cheating they was very rocky within there relationship. Then split up. A few days later she found out she was pregnant. She told her ex straight away, and he said if it was his he was happy to give things another go, but didn't want nothing to do if it wasn't. So she decided to see what to do based on dates. The dates came back that it was most likely the other dudes (She wasn't 100% much to my disliking). Her family went mad, as they like her ex very much, names where called and they told her go for an abortion (even her mother). And they said her ex was to go with her. She was in absolute pieces, weeping down the phone, but went to the hospital with him watching over, where she received the first tablet, and took the second home for the following day to take.

AIBU to think the hospital should of noticed her distress, and should of talked to her alone about the decision, she's barely 18? Plus she hasn't been offered anyone to talk to afterwards, or any form of counselling if she would need it.

I don't know how these things work. But it was clear to my whole family she didn't want to do it. But her family put pressure on her, by saying she'll have 2 kids by 2 different Dads. My sister looked after her daughter all day whilst she sorted it out, and we all helped, it was hard to look at her laughing and playing with my nephew when all i could think was that she was killing her brother/sister.

Sorry for long post. I found it quite distressing, i'm 32+3 myself and was saddened immensely. Maybe its hormones?

OP posts:
JakeBullet · 23/01/2013 21:04

Just to add that it won't be a case of her turning up at the hospital to be given a pill. First she would have had to have a referral from her GP who would have discussed it with her. Secondly she would have had further discussion at the hospital. ..partner there or not.
Hospitals should and ime DO discuss the pros and cons plus feelings.
Your poor friend though. ...there will be some form of support service she can access and the hospital might well know whats available locally for her. No matter whhat the circumstances, going through a termination can be traumatic emotionally. ...even if it feels the right decision.

HollyBerryBush · 23/01/2013 21:05

all i could think was that she was killing her brother/sister.

Very emotive comment. Really best kept to your self.

Original poster
LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 21:07

I was hoping someone on here might work within the helplines and be able to offer practical advice, instead obviously i've just been bashed. I care very deeply about our friend, she's practically part of the family, i just want to give her somewhere to turn. I can understand your comment Nkf, maybe i'm not the best to talk to, but she does need someone to talk to that i am sure of.

OP posts:
sparklyjumper · 23/01/2013 21:10

Just to add that it won't be a case of her turning up at the hospital to be given a pill. First she would have had to have a referral from her GP who would have discussed it with her. Secondly she would have had further discussion at the hospital. ..partner there or not.

This isn't strictly true. I suppose it varies from area to area, but here it possible to go directly to the clinic and they can claim the money back from the NHS without even having to inform your GP. Also regarding the legal requirement to receive counselling, again in reality the counselling can be simply a brief discussion with a nurse where they discuss the procedure and ask if you still wish to go ahead.

I'm not saying whether this is right or wrong but I do think that there a lot of myths around what actually happens at an abortion clinic.

gordyslovesheep · 23/01/2013 21:11

Marie Stopes BPAS - either of those as has been said an can easily be found via Google

Bluestocking · 23/01/2013 21:12

British Pregnancy Advisory Service 08457 304030
Marie Stopes International 0800 3008090
Family Planning Association 0845 1228690
Care Confidential 0300 4000999

I can guarantee that none of these services will make any reference to "killing a baby", which is almost certainly the last thing this poor young woman needs right now.

nefertarii · 23/01/2013 21:12

So she does want counselling? or are you assuming she does?

Counseling is always offered but can be declined. They may have also asked her if she wanted to be seen alone, but she declined.

You are talking about bashing, but you are avoiding all the posters that are saying that as you were not there you can not know for certain what happened.

Also why would you post for counselling recommendation in AIBU?

your op asked if the hospital was bu. Several people have told you that as you were not there you can not know.

What your friend has told you is not how it works, so chances are she knows your opinion and is giving an edited version.

JakeBullet · 23/01/2013 21:13

Yes you are right Lauren...she definitely does Sad . I'd make the hospital the first port of call for advice about what help is out there.

In the meantime all you can do is be a friend to her. ...and it sounds like you are but make sure someone is supporting you as well.

sugarandspite · 23/01/2013 21:14

abortion helplines

CloudsAndTrees · 23/01/2013 21:14

If you are certain she needs someone to talk to, suggest the Samaritans. They will listen to her without offering advice (because they rightly shouldn't give advice) or being judgemental and they can help a lot when someone just needs to talk about their feelings, and even just work out what their feelings are. She could email or text if she doesn't want to talk on the phone, and some branches take walk in visits. It might help her decide if she needs some form of counselling.

I don't think you should be cross with the NHS, we are very privileged to even be able to get free abortions on the NHS without expecting extras as well.

Original poster
LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 21:14

She had her scan, to get dates, then went straight after her scan. I can only assume her doctors appointment next week might cover some form of counselling? But that's a week away, i wouldn't know where to look for helplines. Like i said i don't know procedures or anything, just what she's told me.

OP posts:
birdofthenorth · 23/01/2013 21:14

Being pregnant and hormonal myself I would feel as you do, but it is done now and only time will tell if it was the right decision. Google local post-abortion counselling services, if there aren't obvious NHS ones there may be good third sector ones (I found good miscarriage counselling from a local charity). Try not to dwell on who or what drove her to the decision and the hospital or anyone else's culpability, just be there if she needs you.

Original poster
LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 21:17

Thank you for the numbers and to those that have offered actual kind genuine advice. Maybe you may feel i'm being judgmental within my post, which i feel could be down to my hormones being pregnant myself, but one thing i do know is i will stand my her and her decisions and want the best for her.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 23/01/2013 21:17

She might have already decided to have an abortion depending on the scans and dates. You don't know that.

mynewpassion · 23/01/2013 21:18

Please get her on some contraceptives. PLEASE.

shesariver · 23/01/2013 21:19

it was hard to look at her laughing and playing with my nephew when all i could think was that she was killing her brother/sister.

So this is an anti abortion thread then, very emotive wording.

HecateWhoopass · 23/01/2013 21:19

Poor woman.

If she really was bullied into having an abortion then that is actually terrible.

Not that she had the termination - but if that would not have been her choice if her family were not attacking and pushing her and making her feel she had no option.

All you can do now is support her in a non judgemental way

Well, non judgemental at HER.

Personally - I'm judging the CRAP out of her family. Angry

Original poster
LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 21:23

It wasn't meant to come across as an anti abortion thread at all, i'm very much on the fence. It depends on individual's position in life and how they feel. Like i said several times she's an amazingly close family friend, and i've found it more personal because it's so close to home. My pregnancy hormones probably aren't helping but i repeat i will stand my her and her decisions and want the best for her. And talking about contraception is something i would bring up, but i think atm it would be to raw for her. Hence the reason for helplines which i now have, so thank you again.

OP posts:
HoHoHoNoYouDont · 23/01/2013 21:26

Agree with Hecate.

And regarding comments made on this thread:

all i could think was that she was killing her brother/sister.
Very emotive comment. Really best kept to your self.

And

early abortion is preventing a few cells developing into a baby

Both emotive and not necessary. It's not a thread on the rights or wrongs of abortion.

I think the girl and her partner might benefit from relationship counselling too.

Original poster
LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 21:29

Would she be able to find out about relationship counselling through any of those numbers given, or would that be a separate issue? I think that's a really good idea.

OP posts:
HoHoHoNoYouDont · 23/01/2013 21:31

Maybe RELATE could assist with the relationship counselling.

KoalaTale · 23/01/2013 21:38

Yanbu. Poor woman, sounds like she may have been bullied into the decision. If she had a scan she must have been 12+ weeks? So she may have been feeling very pregnant :(

Moominsarescary · 23/01/2013 21:45

You can have early scans, you don't need to be 12+ weeks. They only give you tablets up to 9 weeks

Original poster
LaurenCaddy · 23/01/2013 21:51

No she wasn't 12+, she did have an early one. Her mum told her that after a certain point they use a different method, involving like a suction or something, i'm not sure if it was meant as a scare tactic?

Again i don't know the procedure that's why i think she didn't have enough time to think about it because she was worried it'll get to late and this suction thing she seemed scared by. Again, not anti abortion, i don't know the procedure.

OP posts:
nooka · 23/01/2013 21:59

I think you can only have a medical abortion up to 9 weeks, which probably makes sense from the timeline in the OP. Everyone should have counseling services offered, but it's not a requirement to take them up, and some clinics may well be better than others at making sure that consent is truly informed and the person really wants to go ahead.

I do wonder if the OP's feelings aren't a bit conflicted here, not just because of her own pregnancy but also as the friend's family has obviously previously let her down very badly it may be very hard seeing her go with their advice/pressure when the OP clearly has very different views about what would have been best. However I note that the friend was laughing and playing after her appointment, so I'm wondering if the friend might have been upset more by the situation and the pressure than the abortion itself?

Anyway, it's great that the OP is there to support her friend, as regardless of the abortion itself it sounds as if she has been through a rough time and that she may not be making great decisions so some counseling or impartial support might be a really good thing.

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