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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL is taking the mick?

51 replies

TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:05

SIL gave birth to my niece a few weeks after Xmas. My brother and her have been having marital issues since then. SIL asked for space and my brother and my 18 year old nephew have moved in with me, the baby has stayed with her. I have no choice but to put my brother up because he cannot to afford to rent a place on the side while paying the mortgage.

Since then she has been criticising the way I run my house. For example the past 3 night's dinners have been shepherd's pie, jerk chicken with salad and corn on the cob and scampi. Apparently when she was on the phone to my nephew she was criticising me saying about the shit I feed my family Hmm, at SIL's house they live a low carb lifestyle (fair enough).

She also had an argument with my brother because I asked nephew to take DS to football on the bus because where he was going it was on the way. According to her I shouldn't use my nephew as a glorified baby sitter. Bearing in mind I have cooked and done washing for nephew for over a week now.

Brother keeps asking SIL when he can come back to the marital home, she is being really vague saying she still needs space. No one has asked me if this is ok? I'm the only one who can put them up as mum has no room and other brother lives in a uni shared house ages away.

I have since found out the SIL has been having her best friend to stay while brother has been gone, I thought she needed space ffs?

Sorry but I have 2 kids and a husband of my own, I have just gone back to work after maternity leave, suffering with depression and the fact my house is being used as a go between is really getting to me. I haven't been given one thanks yet either :(.

OP posts:
Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:07

Oh may I also add I've been cooking dinner and running a house working 4 days a week as well. I know that may not seem like much but it has been a real shock to the system after being out of work for so long.

OP posts:
DeepRedBetty · 23/01/2013 13:09

yanbu. although confused as it's only four weeks since christmas, seems a very short time frame for what you're describing.

PureQuintessence · 23/01/2013 13:11

What does your brother do?

As little or as much as he does at home?

And your nephew? Creating a mess, or clearing up after himself?

I suppose you are beginning to see why she has asked the two of them to leave?

Btw, the 18 year old, is your SIL his mum, too? Or child from a former relationship?

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:11

Your telling me! I thought having a baby was meant to bring you closer to your partner...

OP posts:
NeedlesCuties · 23/01/2013 13:12

YANBU.

She sounds like hard work, but in the circumstances I wouldn't take what she says personally.

Forget about her for a moment and focus on your DB, think you and he need to sit down and have a talk and plan his next step.

You were really good to help him out, but it's not long-term.

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:15

No they are fine here they aren't overly messy, no more than my DH anyway. Yes nephew is my SIL's son. I wouldn't say this to my brother's face but I knew they were having problems before SIL got pregnant and I suspect that they had my niece to "fix things" as such. But things got really strained in the last months of her pregnancy, my brother was never really enthusiastic about new baby I think. It all just fell apart in the days after she was born :(

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 23/01/2013 13:17

Maybe your brother needs to go home and face the music, help, be understanding or whatever he needs to do.

specialmagiclady · 23/01/2013 13:18

Your telling me! I thought having a baby was meant to bring you closer to your partner...

Ha ha ha ha h hah hah ha ha h ah ha ha h ah ahh ah ha h ah ah ah ha h ah aha ha ha ha ha ha

If you're already close it's great. If there are fissures there already, a baby can wrench them apart. I adore my husband but I didn't much want him around when I had either baby. Just wanted a slave who would bring me endless food and water and stay out of my bed. If he was anything other than a fantastic bloke, he'd have left or I'd have chucked him out. I just wasn't interested.

I think if you're finding communal living hard, you should talk to your DB about how things can be improved. Strategies for making sure he's pulling his weight, a timetable that by the end of, say, March, he's sorting out his relationship status etc...

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:20

I know, I really should try to be a better sister. It's just at the moment I'm finding my own stuff really hard and the stress is getting to my. My DH took nephew and brother out the other day to the football and tried to talk to my brother about it but he was reluctant to say much.

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 23/01/2013 13:20

Are they planning any kind of counselling or even thinking about how they are going to resolve this?

Your SIL has no right to keep insisting 'she needs space'. And if she wants to leave, she is free to leave, but unless your brother has been abusive, she simply doesn't have the right o throw him and her own son out of the house. Your brother is paying the mortgage FFS!

I think you need to tell your brother that he can only stay for a certain amount of time, decide how long that will be (for your benefit, not SILs) and then stick to it. If after that time SIL won't allow her husband and child back in the house then I think your brother needs to file for divorce and put the house up for sale.

squeakytoy · 23/01/2013 13:21

How old is this baby?

ItsintheBag · 23/01/2013 13:21

Whoever is telling you what she said about you, ask them to stop telling you.Stuff like that will only drive you crazy.
My SIL have plenty to say about my but I am happier not knowing about it.
If you can put up with your brother a bit longer try to leave them too it.

PureQuintessence · 23/01/2013 13:22

Sounds like your SILs mental health is a bit wonky. Does she have PND? Is otherwise fit and well?

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:23

special March?!?

Sorry about saying that a baby brings couples closer together it was really close minded of me. I know that everyone is different but at the moment I'm just a bit Hmm about this whole thing.

OP posts:
nicelyneurotic · 23/01/2013 13:26

He needs to have a chat with her to find out what he's done wrong/what he could do to better support her. She could have PND or perhaps he's not been very helpful with the baby.

If they can't sort it out agree that they need to get a divorce and split assets.

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:28

My niece is only 21 days old :( that's what is most upsetting about it my brother and my nephew aren't around for her early days. Although nephew wasn't told to stay away he chose to come with his dad.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/01/2013 13:28

Well actually, you don´t have to put them up any more than they have to move out imo.

If she wants space-why can´t she find somewhere to go??

Your brother should move back in if he wants.

Why did her son move out as well?Confused

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:30

Diddl- if she didn't have a newborn I would agree that she should be the one to go but I do think its best for her and baby to stay at the house.

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 23/01/2013 13:31

How do you know that she did not throw them out in a fit of anger because they were both really useless and unhelpful?

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:31

I'm not sure why he did, I think he may have taken it upon himself because his mum was talking about needing space maybe?

OP posts:
piprabbit · 23/01/2013 13:31

I can't get my head round the time frame at all, sorry probably being dense.

In the 4 weeks since Christmas you DB and his wife have had a baby; suffered marital problems; DB has been asked to leave (BTW is DN SIL's son or stepson?); and DB and DN have been living with you long enough for you to be heartily sick of them too?

I'd suggest that DB moves back home asap, sleeping on the sofa if need be and starts to offer his DW some support. She must be in a very low place to have gone through so much on top of childbirth. It may be that the friend who is staying with her is giving the support that your DB hasn't been able to.

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:33

Quint- because she didn't give them enough time to try and help out she was home for only a few days (her mum was there) and she said to my brother her feelings still hadn't changed about him and could he leave. She kicked him out two weeks before Xmas but took him back for Xmas and the baby being born.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 23/01/2013 13:36

Somehow, the fact that he's apparently relaying conversations that his wife has with his sister (here's what she thinks of you! She's horrible, isn't she? Come on, hate her, she's worse than hitler"!) style gives some idea of why he may be more stress than he's worth...

Original poster
TacticalWheelbarrow · 23/01/2013 13:36

Pip- SIL had niece on the 2nd jan came home on the 4th/5th (not sure) chucked brother out on the 8th he stayed at mine for 2 nights went back and then came back with nephew the next day? Sorry I'm not explaining myself properly, hope that makes sense?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 23/01/2013 13:38

She has only just had a baby... is he not missing being with his newborn child? why is he not putting up more of a fuss about this, and why are you not wondering if she has PND?